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Nero

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I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.

I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees. I write award winning operas, and manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and Godlike trombone playing.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed.

I cook thirty minute brownies in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.


Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello. I had trials with Manchester United Football Club and am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding.

On Wednesdays after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.


I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.

I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.

I have appeared in "Through The Keyhole" and won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Last summer I toured eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration.

I run the 100m in 9.65 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.


I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

While on holiday in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.


The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville toaster. I breed prize winning clams.

I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions in the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis but I have never been to Bluewater.

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I am the 1998 winner (and current record holder) of the Liverpool to New York doggy paddle.

I once penned the source code for a disk operating system on the back of a beermat and gave it as payment to a lapdancer called Bill.

My life as an adored philanthropist and notable deflowerer of virgins has taken me to all 3 corners of both continents and most of the bits in-between.

When not giving my council to world leaders or answering Hawkins? inane questions I captain an astral darts team consisting of history's most notorious boozers and well known crack shots, Genghis Kahn, Kurt Cobain and Jesus van Nazareth.

It is a well established scientific fact that I am always correct about everything and the most devastatingly handsome male specimen the human race will ever produce.


Unlike that Lush fellow I am too modest to go on about my achievements.


I am also the founding and only member of the tortured, misunderstood and under-appreciated genius that is: Lord Saxonbard's Christmas Haemorrhage and the Three Pints of Sugar Band. Although I am considering leaving due to creative differences.

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