cancer

[mockney piers]

XKCD's latest post isn't really very funny http://xkcd.com/931/ and to be honest practically gave me an anxiety attack.

To cut a long story short my mother has recently undergone surgery for breast cancer, biopsies show it's spreading to the lymph nodes, but she's refusing further treatment, either radio or chemotherapy because she doesn't want to 'poison' her body.

Instead she's opting for a 'naturopathic' approach, ie living a healthy lifestyle (she was doing this anyway and it didn't stop her developing the damn cancer in the first place, I can't see how it's going to stop it from spreading to somewhere crucial and probably painful), eating red things, taking *struggles not to scream* homeopathic remedies and getting well meaning fools to waft their hands over her in an encouraging fashion.

Which all adds up to she's going to die isn't she.

Has anyone had a similar experience, is there any way to get her to see sense or should I respect her wishes?

[StraferJack]

that cartoon suggests a certain artist has been through something similar themselves

No direct experience myself but just wanted to say "rough. Good luck everyone in the house of Mockney"

[TillieTrotter]

Poor sausage but I'm afraid you'll probably have to respect her wishes. Be strong. x

[Saila]

Can you not gently explain the facts?

Chemotherapy is definitely a poison, thank god.

It kills all dividing cells

It's only because 'normal' cells divide and recover more quickly that it is used.

That's why it's given in stages, so the person recovers and the healthy cells recover but the cancer cells die.

Get evidence based stats?

[mockney piers]

She worked in the NHS for years and her brother was a consultant surgeon so she's pretty switched on.

I can see her point of view on the chemo, but given that 3/4 of the nodes taken were cancerous, some localised radio would seem to be a sensible way forward.

It's not that she's not aware, I think she's basically in denial that anything's wrong and has convinced herself that it'll all be ok.

That wanker of a naturopath who's 'treating' her isn't exactly helping as it seems he convinced her she's doing the right thing.

[Laddy Muck]

Gosh, that's horrible - Mockney. I am so, so sorry.

I honestly don't know what to say to you as - thankfully - I have never been in that situation. However, I do have 3 friends who currently have cancer. Two are now in remission and doing really well whilst the the third is undergoing her third course of chemo. Whether any of them would have made it thus far without chemo is anyone's guess.

Not the same situation, I grant you, but a while ago, I helped look after an elderly/disabled lady who wanted to end her life at Dignitas. For years, another friend and I tried to put her off the idea. We actually succeeded in prolonging her life for a few more years; but, at the end of the day, she went ahead. It is only recently that I have begun to think that - perhaps - I should simply have respected her wishes from the outset.

Christ! this is not an easy matter for you to reflect on. Chemotherapy can have some really vile effects on the body. Some fear it more than the cancer itself. Having said that, I can fully understand why you wouldn't wish to watch your mum go without conventional treatment. You love and care about your mum: simple. Just as I loved and cared for this old lady.

Sorry I can't give you anything more practical, but my very best wishes go out to you and your mum.

BIG HUG. x

[SofiaSt]

I am really sorry about your mother. I love XKCD but this one was pretty horrible for me as well. My father is going under chemo treatment at the moment and I am having anxiety treatment every week. My life changed so much since last November that he was diagnosed. I am so afraid of losing him and for a while I was angry with the world for that disease existing and why should he get it. After all he was leaving a healthy lifestyle as well, very slim, almost no alcohol or excesses and he got a type of cancer that usually people that eat bad food and drink too much get. There are so many whys but no answers, it is just life.

My father has been through radio therapy before and chemo now. I don't know how I would feel if my father did not want to have proper treatment but I understand your anxieties. You can talk about them with her I guess but you should not give her grief. Cancer is such a psychological disease as well. Never loose your hope and be strong for her.

NOT EVERYONE DIES FROM CANCER.

[Ridgley]

So sorry to hear this MP, my personal opinion is your mother should try the treatments that are available although I know they can be gruelling but even if it is a slim chance of recovery but you also have to respect her decision. It is an awful disease this hits home to me as I have lost a dear friend to this.

[DJKillaQueen]

Very sorry to hear that you and your mum are going through this MP.

Cancer is such a common experience (I too have lost people I cared about and currently have one old friend dying) but is never easy to get through. Her best option of course is to take any treatment that is likely to give her the best chance of recovery. As you say, she probably knows more than most about available treatments but seems to dismissing the one treatment that has been proven to work for many patients in preference for one that has no equivalent proof of success.

Hard facts about survival rates may be the only way to go but sounds as though her mind is set.

Wishing you and her all the best though x

[Bellenden Belle]

I'm really sorry to hear this news MP.

Whilst my mother did undergo treatment and chemotherapy and I can't imagine how I would have felt if she hadn't, she was also a great fan of what I would dismiss as "woo" and would often tell senior consultants that it was these alternative treatments that were having an effect rather than anything they did.

This ranged from traipsing to healing services in Woolwich where I would watch her spasm and collapse onto the floor when a priest laid hands on her through to going to Suffolk to visit Matthew Manning, a healer "as seen on Richard and Judy".

Those things made her incredibly happy and hopeful and each time I would see a surge of energy in her that she never usually had. I think they were vital for her mental well-being. Suppporting her in her pursuit of these treatments did actually make us closer and I actually really value the time we spent together. I always thought they were a load of nonsense and I still do - but like religion, some people just need to believe in something, and supporting them in that pursuit whilst putting our own judgements aside can be what they need you to do for them at that point in time.

Easier said than done though. But perhaps by accepting her way of doing things at the moment might might her more open to hearing your thoughts and concerns.

Take care, C x

[mockney piers]

Thanks for supportive messages.

Sorry to unburden in this way. As you were people...ooh look a shiny penny ;)

[Moos]

Mockers, so sorry for what you are going through. I have been wondering how you mother was since her op, and can easily imagine your pain and frustration.

I don't really have familiarity with your situation, as when my father had cancer he took every treatment going and had a bull-headed determination to live as long as he can, which I think helped him live longer than was predicted.

Is it possible that your mother isn't mentally ready to accept that she cannot really be cured of her cancer? Belle makes a very moving and excellent point that your support may make it possible for her to discuss this with you, and listen to your persuation. Have you got other supporters in the family that can help by talking science rather than faith? I'm sure she feels she has a great deal to live for, but perhaps is afraid of really looking at statistics.

My very best wishes to you, and all of you.

[womanofdulwich]

my mum refused chemo- she did not want all her hair to fall out- she was 70 and had it everywhere- they offered it as a last chance but she just said no. i think its very personal. but the wheat grass stuff etc is clutching at straws. waste of money.trouble is the balance between "not wanting to be any trouble " v wanting them to be around ( with all the psychologiacl side effects thrown in).

is she happy with her life? is she a fighter?

[Pickle]

So so sorry to hear this Mockney. Although I would like to add my happy ending story if I may...

My Mum (60) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer just over 3 years ago. Turns out she had known there was something wrong for months beforehand as could feel a lump in her abdomen, but due to plans to travel to the UK to visit me (I'd just had a baby) and not wanting to "spoil things" she said nothing, not even to my Dad, until a few weeks after she had returned to NZ.

Right up to having the operation she had managed to convince us all that it was nothing to worry about, just cysts. My world fell apart the night I received a phonecall from my Dad - a staunch kiwi bloke who never shows emotion - in floods of tears saying it was cancer.

After surgery she was given various treatment options but refused to have any of them. To this day I don't know what her reasoning was, she refused to enter into conversation about it with any of us. Stubborn is an understatement!

However, despite the chances of recovery being so slim, she is now in her 3rd year of remission. She has tests every 6 months and the doctors are amazed.

I know that we're lucky, and to fight such a horrible disease without treatment and win is very uncommon - but it can happen. My Mum works in quite a physical job, goes to the gym a few times a week and eats a fairly healthy diet.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

[womanofdulwich]

pickle you indeed lucky, my mum had ovarian cancer too- knew there was something wrong-ignored it to begin -then dr couold not find it- dead 3 months later.

[Pickle]

So sorry WOD. I understand that it's one of the most aggressive forms of cancer, due to it being so difficult to diagnose. Mum was lucky that she was very slim, so could actually feel a lump. Apparently having just half a stone of extra weight may have meant she couldn't feel anything and would certainly have died.

I'm not a religious person, but someone/thing was looking out for her.