reassurance needed about mixed gender siblings

[hellosailor]

Our daughter is 2 and in a few weeks we're expecting our second baby who is a boy.

There will be an almost 2.5 year gap between them.

Since finding out the baby is a boy 3 months ago I have been in a real spin about it, which I know is a lot to do with the fact that my brother and I had an abusive childhood so the idea of a mixed gender pair of children somehow feels very negative to me, and stirs up all sorts of things that I wasn't anticipating until we found out the gender.

My brother and I fought viciously like cat and dog from the day we were born, and had an intensely negative relationship, in fact it is only now in the last year that we have started to make friends again after 30plus years of unpleasantness.

I think our relationship was so bad for 2 main reasons, firstly we're twins and were always battling it out for supremacy, if you know what I mean, and partly because of what was happening at home, we were psychologically and emotionally very

scared and destabilised and took this out on each other. I think as teenagers and in our 20s we wanted to put as much space between us as possible as seeing each other reminded us of the past and what we went through.

Anyway, I'm waffling, in short I was very keen for our second child to be a girl too as that felt completely different from my own childhood plus I have always wished I had a sister - I'd also built up a real fantasy in my head about how amazing and special it must be to have a same sex sibling and (nutty I know) feel like I've let my daughter down by not providing her with a sister.

I wonder if any of you family roomers can reassure me that mixed gender siblings can have a good relationship and play well together, enjoy their relationship with each other etc? I know my feelings must sound ridiculous to a lot of people, but I just can't help feeling anxiety about this - am seeing a therapist to try and work through my own experiences as a child but would really value any reassurance about boy and girl siblings having good relationships...thanks all

[Pickle]

My oldest two are a boy and a girl, and are inseparable. They seek each other out at school during playtimes and spend time together there too. They squabble, as all siblings do, but it's generally resolved in 5 minutes and they go back to playing nicely.

My younger brother (sadly now deceased) and I used to fight a lot as kids, mainly down to us being completely different personalities and also I was 4 when he came along and quite jealous! However by our late teens we had developed a good relationship based around a love of the same music, and in my early 20s before moving to the UK we went out a lot together.

I think you need to do your best to put your situation out of your mind when you look at your daughter and her little brother - they are different people and will form a different relationship.

P x

[mrs f]

So sorry you are feeling like this

I've just had a girl & also have a 2 y old boy & I'm over the moon to have one of each. I have 1 sis & although we are close I'd have loved to have had that relationship with a boy/ man too.

I have loads of girl friends but not many male ones & I do wonder if I had had a brother would I have more or at least another male figure in my life other than my (crap) dad

Don't worry, the fact you care so much already speaks volumes about the type of parent you are! As long as they are loved they will be fine!

[Fuschia]

I have a brother and a sister and have always had a smoother relationship with mt brother, we are quite similar. I fought terribly with my sister though we got over that once we grew up.

[canela]

there are same-sex siblings with great relationships and with bad; and ditto for mixed-sex relationships. every family will find its own dynamic and when there is a firm basis of love and support this will guide through the inevitable ups and downs of any sibling relationship. you have identified that your feelings are coming from your own experience and are taking steps to deal with them. You sound like a great mother and I'm sure you will promote a loving family.

I can understand your worries. I have a sister and we have such a great relationship, part of me wanted another boy for my eldest son as I just assumed same-sex siblings get on better. Perhaps they do, perhaps they don't, mine have had ups and downs but have some great fun and I can see the value the difference of the other brings to them.

[Yak]

Sounds like you are doing all the right things, hs. I imagine it's not been easy to face up to the anxities this creates so good on you for tackling it.

I had an older sister who I got on with but I was absolutely overjoyed when my little brother came along. Even though I'm nowvery close to my sister (physically and emotionally) I'm even closer to my brother even though he now lives in the US. I probably fought more with my sister than brother but maybe that's because we were so similar! Certainly tbe sister/sister fighting was a lot nastier and cattier.

You're a brilliant parent and I have absolutely no doubt you will bring up the mini sailors in a warm and nuturing environment, a million miles away from your experience of childhood. They are lucky to have you!

[Strawbs]

I only have one child (for now) so can't speak personally but my sister has a boy and a girl (18m apart) and they really are the best of friends, they play really nicely together so it can definitely work! X

[Foxhelp]

hellosailor I had a very similar experience to you. I think it was so bad because my parents allowed it to happen by ignoring my brothers nasty side and by not encouraging anything nice between us. They were well past caring by the time we got to teenagers and i left home as soon as i could. So i would say it is how you bring your children up by encouraging sharing caring and love, good luck. By the way my brother is still nasty to me when i see him once a year, we are in our forties, he just cant seem to help himself!

[enjoy]

I have a girl and and boy (he is four years you ger than her) and they are a great team.

She is kind and gentle, he a boyish, cheeky boy.

They are getting on so well, still sharing a room.

Yes, they argue but font fight often.

At home they dont play too much together, but as soon as we go somewhere else.

I think they are a great addition to each others life ans l am glad l have it as it is.

(I never got on with my sister, still not, what l find sad.

[jollybaby]

Hello Hellosailor. Firstly many congrats on your news. I'm due with number 2 in a few weeks too but unfortunately no longer in ED.

I've only got a sister so no personal experience but my boyfriend has 2 sisters and they get on really well. Of my female friends with brothers, I can't think of any who has a particularly difficult relationship. I think you just have remind yourself that they are different people being brought up in entirely different circumstances to you. The chances are that they will have at least an 'amicable' relationship.

[KateW]

We have a little girl who is 2.5 and I'm pregnant with a little boy, due in October (there will be a 3 year age gap). I feel so lucky that we are going to have one of each; I think it will be really interesting to experience being a parent to both a boy and a girl. I grew up with a younger sister (18 months age gap) and we certainly aren't close; at times we've had a very turbulent relationship (she has often suffered raging jealousy towards me in the past - regarding marriage, children etc - no idea why as she is happily married with a 7 month old baby girl!) so I have never been under the illusion that having a sister guaranteed a life-long friend. Like Jollybaby, I have more girlfriends who have positive relationships with their brothers than do with their sisters. That said, I was convinced that we were having another girl (just a feeling) so it took a little while to sink in that I was having a boy. Couldn't be more chuffed now. Hope you start to feel less anxious soon x

[pandrns]

I have a sister and we have a 5 year age gap. To cut a long story short it has taken about 20 years for us to be friends - I don't think gender is always the issue to be honest I think age gaps contribute more to sibling animosit, at least this is the case in my experience. We just never had anything in common as the age gap felt huge when I was 10, 15, 20 etc.

Weirdly I have always wanted a brother and have lots of male friends (and female ones)maybe trying to fill that gap.

I am now pregnant and find myself being a little scared about having a boy as I have no experience of growing up with a brother. Your experience is unique to you and I understand your apprehension but I think every sibing relationship is completely different and is subject to so many factors,

Congrats on your pregnancy!

[Zedd]

I have an older brother (3 and 1/2 years older) and a younger sister (20 months younger). As adults I get on well with both but they don't get on with each other at all and never have done. This could be down to birth order, or the age gap but I think the biggest issue is actually that they are very similar in personality (I am very different!) and therefore they wind each other up.

Incidentally, as a child and teenager I had far worse arguments with my sister!

I think the fact that you are even worried about this shows that your children will not have the same experience that you did. All you can do is love them and encourage them to look after each other - set them the example that you want them to follow. Sometimes they will get on, sometimes they will argue.

Congratulations and good luck!

[hellosailor]

Thanks so much for all the replies, I really appreciate it!

xx

[sanity girl]

I have one brother who is 2.5 years older than me and we have always had a very happy peaceful relationship. I have a girl and a boy - 3.5 years between them - and they adore each other, it is lovely to watch. My daughter looks out for her little brother and is usually very sweet with him, although of course they do have their moments of bickering. When my daughter is not around (with friends on playdates/at after school activities etc) my son will usually say in a pained voice "where is my Greta". Good luck with the impending birth and I'm sure it will be fine for you xx

[reren]

I think the older girl younger brother dynamic can be a lovely one(I am an older sister to my brother). I always felt very maternal and was rarely jealous. In our case I've always thought it was because of different sexes we didn't feel very competitive with each other - but maybe was due to parenting more than gender? Older girls are often great at creating brilliant games to play with their brothers and helping to soften / broaden some of the focus on cars and trucks that can dominate small boys lives!

What my parents did was to make us into a little team - they rarely compared us to each other (or never over anything serious) and encouraged us when we defended each other against them. There was a subtle approval of us for example for sticking up for each other - and real disapproval of telling on each other. That behavior wasnt rewarded - and I think it helped us create a bond. We always jumped to the others defense against pur parents. We had terrible rows too of course - especially physical fights (until he got as big as me) - it wasn't the Walton's! But generally we loved (and still love) being together.

I wonder if sometimes parents can use the older child to help them parent (tell me when your brother is being naughty) - and maybe that then can set up a funny dynamic? I'm always surprised when I see other friends and their sibling has told a parent something private / a confidence between the siblings. Even now as an adult I know I can tell my brother anything without it going back to my parents - I suppose I feel he has my back (if you know what I mean?). Seems to me that's quite powerful and probably largely created by the extent to which parents try and avoid comparing too much, criticizing one in front of the other, setting up one child as the good child / the other as the naughty?

One final thing I've noticed in other close family/ friends - is that sometimes one of the parents can be very dominating forces in the family dynamic - they are the one everyone wants to stay on the right side of / be friends with - and they encourage that atmosphere because it makes them feel good / centre of attention - but it can have the effect of making the parent each child's bestfriend / confident - rather than the siblings turning to each other for that. Not sure if I'm explaining myself very well...but have seen this a number of times...

I'm about to have my second (and hoping for mixed gender siblings)so we'll see whether I can practice what I preach!

[hellosailor]

Thanks Sanity girl and Reren, really good to hear about these lovely mixed gender dynamics

xx

[EDmummy]

I'm glad you're seeing someone about your childhood issues as this will hopefully help you to handle their relationship and which IMO is not much to do about gender of the children. Does your therapist know about your anxiety regarding gender? There may also be some parenting lessons etc that might be useful in the future, esp about how to positively manage conflict between siblings (it happens with ALL siblings, whatever gender, to some extent).

Good luck.

[lagoa]

Hi there

I have a girl and a boy (two years and 2 moths apart). I never had a brother and got myself in a right tizz about having a boy. He is now 15 months and they are totally inseparable. It is a joy to see - I am sure she is his favourite person in our house. I have a great relationship with my sister but we were never that close as children.

They are different people than you and your brother so try not to worry too much. Don't forget your hormones are also going mental so perspective can be a challenge.

Try to enjoy what is coming: it really is amazing.

X

[fl0wer]

My son and daughter are 2 years apart - in their late 30's now.

I brought them up to be kind to each other, because that seems basic; you don't know whether you will love your sibling, and I think that is less the issue than parents ensuring each one learns to respect the other.

I didn't load expectation on the older one to enjoy the baby when she was little, but worked hard to give each of them age-appropriate care and toys. As they neared 2 and 4 their own good playful friendship blossomed. When they got older and other pals came along to our house they would be friends with both, much to my relief, as at junior school all the boys and girls separate so rapidly.

Being there for them and ready to help them shrink quarrels is still important to me, it will be all my life.

I think you can read between the lines of this letter & guess at some failings of my upbringing that needed rectifying. But this is the part parenting plays in evolution - throw out what was bad and then improve childcare each generation. Some crippling bits of script are traceable to grandparents. If you are astutely helped in therapy you may locate them.

[Huggers]

hello Sailor, I had a narcissistic mother who played her children against eachother and practised favouritism and bullying, so my relationships with both my sisters and brothers was awful!

I had some counselling many years ago and once I recognised the dynamic was not of us children's making, was able to move on.

I too expected a girl as my second child, and was amazed to have a boy. They are just under 2 years apart and have had their spats, but i, unlike my own mother, manage any rivalries or conflicts with fairness and common sense.(i hope!) They were great friends as small children, had some fall outs in early teens, argue quite a lot but love eachother a lot. The small gap in age means older daughter has always tried to be bossy, but basically it's been fine.

I found childhood memories became specially painful for me as each child got to the age I had been- but really because I couldn't imagine how anyone could go out to deliberately psychologically toy with such precious creatures! At the same time it became healing to know I hadn't made the same mistakes.

[blackkat]

Fuschia Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I have a brother and a sister and have always had

> a smoother relationship with mt brother, we are

> quite similar. I fought terribly with my sister

> though we got over that once we grew up.

[fl0wer]

Did you have a comment to add to that, Blackkat?

[blackkat]

Sorry fl0wer! It seems I left the iPad where little fingers could tap and swipe and leave half messages... Oops! ;)

Was reading this thread with interest as I have a 2yr old girl and am expecting again and am also in shock/ denial that it's a boy! For me its not bad memories/ experiences, it's just I have always assumed I would have two girls and (stupidly) never considered anything else! Wanted to see what people said about having one of each. Nice that there are some really positive messages out there :) Good luck hellosailor, hope you have the amazing time with your children that you deserve.