I am considering having an au pair. Lots of questions!

[Mellors]

Hi all

I am considering whether or not to take on an au pair next year, and would be really interested in any advice on your experiences/how it works/is it a good idea/what to watch out for.

We are a busy family of five - children aged 2, 4 and 6. Oldest two are at school, youngest at home/possible part time nursery. My husband is away a lot during the week and even if not works long hours, so I do all the running about.

I am thinking that having somebody who lives in who can do drop offs/pick ups etc would be easier than my current frantic arrangement (before and after school clubs and a childminder). I hope to be working 3/4 days a week.

Do you use an agency (and if so do you have one to recommend)? I would need somebody who can drive (and handle three youngish kids).

Also - how does it work with somebody living in your house? We have a large double spare room (enough room for a computer table/TV etc) with a shower room, and also a spare living room/playroom that they could use. Is it weird havinm somebody live in, or is it ok? We have had nannies in the past and its been great, but they were live out and its now too expensive.

Any advice would be really, really helpful.

[jollymummy]

Ahh I could have written this post myself Mellors. Will follow this thread with great interest.

[reren]

It is the best thing you will ever do. We have had 2 lovely au pairs and it has been a fantastic solution for us. I think people get hung up about the idea of having a stranger in the house - but the pros so far outweigh the cons - and there are lots of things you can do to help with the cons. First the pros - it is amazing to have childcare on tap - my au pair starts taking care of my son at 7:30 - allowing me to hand him to her and go back upstairs, shower and get dressed - while she feeds him breakfast / plays with him / gets him ready for nursery. I literally dont understand how people mange to get themselves and a small child (or 2+) out the door on their own. My husband works long irregular hours - so the flexibility you can have with an au pair is amazing when you are in this situation. And having someone to babysit in the evening so you can pop out for dinner or a quick pint is amazing. So lovely for your relationship with your husband/wife - and allows you a degree of spontaneity that is unusual in parents. In terms of what to do to make the relationship work - I'd recommend going for an au pair who is a bit older and more experienced - 22+ We have found it is good when someone is grown up and independent - keen to go out and see friends a lot. Our first au pair ate dinner with us every night and that wasn't easy as we were parents of a small child - and having to cook for someone else and make conversation in the evenings was tiring. Our current au pair prefers to make herself something to eat earlier in the evening and tends to be up in her room or out when I get home from work (by which point my husband has taken our son off her hands). But it is really important to also fulfill your bit of the bargain - it is a cultural exchange - not cheap childcare. They usually want help with their English / a chance to take lessons and some exposure to life with a family in the uk. Most important thing is to treat them really fairly and choose someone you like spending time with. I've heard of families making the us pair work really long hours, do housework etc - you need to stick to roughly 25 hours and just a bit of light housework related to the child(ren) - I.e. tidying bedrooms not scrubbing kitchen floors. I think if you treat someone well and put an effort into making their stay enjoyable - you get a fantastic relationships with a lovely young energetic person for your child and a level of flexibility and support for you that is invaluable. And finally - yes I recommend an agency - though we are just about to try our first au pair found through gum tree - so will tell you how that goes! An agency however does a lot of the hard search work for you and so far we have been really pleased with the result (plus you get crb checks etc for peace of kind.)

[WorkingMummy]

Mellors, I have three (4,2,1) and am currently recruiting my second au pair.

The first I had for 8 months after my last child was born. I am now recruiting again because my oldest starts school in September and that drop off is in the opposite direction from the 2 year old's kindergarten.

It's a great solution. My biggest tip is: treat the person as one of the family. Welcome her to eat with you, join in your activities and be one of you. Being a young person away from home in a big city, she will not take you up on it! My experience, and that of my friends, is that au pairs welcome their own space and there really is very little threat of you being crowded by her. But the atmosphere in the house will be awkward and tense if you do anything less than welcome her with open arms (making clear that joining in is optional). "Don't come into the sitting room after supper/we want privacy" type rules reduces her to the status of a servant and will not foster happiness. Be welcoming, and let things find their own balance. My au pair ate with us at breakfast and in the evenings, which I liked, but other than that, was in her room or out and about when off duty.

I recruited last time through findababysitter.com but this time I am using the German YMCA and they seem great. (They provide school leavers - so very young - which is completely fine for my needs this time. Last year I wanted someone older and more experienced, but for that I had to recruit myself).

Good luck.

[dulwichquine]

I agree with all the above. We have used the website Aupair World. Best to have a clear outline of duties/responsibilities and expectations which you can type up and send to all prospective applicants.

[Ann]

I've never employed an au pair but my daughter is currently employed as such on a short term contract in Barcelona; she has just finished her first year at University studying French and Spanish.

Her young charges are aged 10 and 8, so a bit older the ages quoted here. The family are lovely and she's happy to be there.

As others have said I think it's the balance between what you expect from the au pair and respecting her (or his) personal space. For example, my daughter's family had a barbecue with extended family last weekend which she was welcome to join in- she wasn't excluded as hired help! Also she has a Uni friend out there at the same time, plus two more doing the same in Madrid who plan to visit. I say this because I wouldn't want an au pair to feel too isolated, her personal well being is important for the situation to work. The last thing you want for your children is too change au pairs every few months.

On a practical level her family have offered to pay for her travel into town, so contribution toward an Oyster Card might be nice? Also they have membership for their local Lido and have added her so she can go with the children or by herself on the weekend.

The space you describe Mellors sounds great. My daughter has a good sized room with en-suite and separate terrace with sea view! She has been asked to help the children with their English but nothing too formal; in fact their first language is Catalan not Spanish.

I think employing an au pair can be invaluable as long as your reasonable with your expectations. Your children will respond well with a happy au pair better than a drudge.

Au pair World was the site she used and does give useful guidelines.

Thought I would post to give a different perspective!

[ontheedge]

I did au pairing in France as a 17 year old, shy & much too young, long story. It was the grandparents summer home in the Loire Valley so all the family came there during the summer, the purpose was for me to improve my French! which I did.

I wasn't really asked to do a lot, just be an extra hand with the sometimes up to 12 children.

For me the worst bits were being included as an adult at the dinner table, having to eat with normally 8 adults, some of whom could speak perfect English, the Grandfather was actually an English Professor, but the Grandmother insisted I should only hear French, so no English was allowed.

The family were very kind and I was always included, eg. when anyone in the family went away on little trips and brought back presents I always got one, but unfortunately I remember it as the loneliest time in my life, stuck between adulthood & childhood.Of course this was pre Internet so no Facebook, mobile phone etc.

I would suggest don't get anyone too young,

[budur]

we didn't get an au pair decided by chance on a live-in nanny that became available but has done a lot of work on aupairworld by that time. my advice: don't start early, most don't look far ahead, 2 months before is about right. I was only looking for older university graduates as my little one is only 2 and specifically asked about experience with kids, not only babysitting but looking after kids for longer periods even though one would be in school and another one in the nursery half of the time. we also wanted to invite the one that we would choose for a weekend to London as didn't want surprises when the person will arrive and we need to go to work (one of the friend's au pairs told her a day before that she won't be coming, was a panic arranging for emergency childcare), so wanted her to be committed and comfortable once we both have seen each other. wrote a detailed description of who we are, what we do and what we would expect au pair to do (clearly stating that we have a cleaner so no heavy house work and kids would always be a priority for her). living in London a lot of them would want to come over, so you'll have plenty of choice. I liked that I can set my preferences and do a search and reply myself on that website. it does take time, so be ready for that and a lot of them just disappear, so don't get too hopeful. Skype does give you a pretty good idea of what they are like. good luck

[PCM]

Reading this with interest as we're wondering about taking on an au pair, too. Can anyone advise how much per week / month you pay? I've no idea even of the ballpark! Thanks.

[Ann]

PCM, the Au Pair web site gives guidelines about this. I agree with Badur London would be an attractive location for au-pairs.

There is a big difference between what you should expect between an au-pair and a live-in Nanny; they are simply not the same thing and it worries me that anyone would refer to an au-pair as such. To reiterate, my 19 year old daughter (see above post) has no child care qualifications, no police check and no training what so ever in first aid.

For E60 a week that's the deal. She's happy, I'm happy and I believe the family are.

I know this whole child care dilemma is difficult and I would never say no to an au-pair, but they are not Nannies.

[WorkingMummy]

PCM, 65 quid a week cash plus FULL board and lodging, for 25 hours plus two evenings baby sitting a week, is standard. But that is for a school-leaver/gap year type teenager. The au pair who I had last year was much more than that: she was 27, experienced (but from Spain, unemployed and sadly desparate). She only worked 25 hours but she was with a brand new born, with primary care of him for some of the time (although I was usually somewhere in the house). I gave her 100 p/w, which is the max you can give without paying tax on it.

Ann, I'm not sure budur was mixing up nannies and au pairs. She said she got a live-in nanny instead of an au pair. But her nanny has background as an au pair. Quite a few girls who want to be career nannies start out as au pairs to get experience and then gradually graduate to nanny, either with their original family or by moving around. My amazing, 38 year old live-in nanny started out as an au pair in London 22 years ago and did exactly that.

I absolutely take your point though: au pairs are not to be exploited by being paid pocket money for working as full time employees. If your au pair is good and experienced, but your situation changes, and you want a nanny instead, you might consider offering to promote her. But then you have to start paying a proper salary and tax, not peanuts.

[Mellors]

A MASSIVE thanks you to everybody who responded to this thread.

The decision has been made - I have just accepted a job to work four days a week (uesday - Friday from September, so a minimum 6 month contract, but most likely until next summer holidays.

So......an au pair it is!

I am actually really excited now about the prospect of having somebody from abroad living here. The children are dying to have somebody new and interesting around, and learn all about their culture and language.

I have advertised on au pair world. I basically need somebody to take sole charge of the children from 8 - 9am, then 3.30 - 6/7 from Tuesday - Thursday. The oldest two will be in school, and the littlest (hopefully) in nursery some/all of the time.

I am looking for somebody 25+, as they need to be able to drive, and am planning to give them a travel card and gym membership we well as good wages, bed and board. I really want them to be part of the family 9as much as they want to!), so fingers crossed we find somebody nice (Please PM any recommendations!).

One final question - how do we feel about male au pairs? My two boys (6 and 2.5) would love it, my husband is cool about it (I think he sees sport-watching potential with another man) and I think it might be quite good fun. It doesn't seem to be a popular option though - and I am slightly worried, undoubtedly unnecessarily about my 5 year old girl?

As ever, I would love to hear your thoughts, wise mummies!

[Dulwich Born And Bred]

I wish I could move in with you Mellors.

Your au pair will be very lucky to have you all .

For equality sake , a female au pair so three women versus three men ? :)

[jollymummy]

One more question, can you pay an au pair with childcare vouchers?

[marina_p]

Hi Mellors,

I'm actually working as an au pair near Herne Hill, and I saw your thread. My sister from Spain is 29, and she is looking for a lovely family in London to work as an au pair and improve her English. I think it could be great if you two could talk. So if you are interested, just let me know. [email protected]

Thanks,

Marina

[jrthomas_uk]

After following this thread with much interest my family and I are going to hire an au-pair. We are excited and a little nervous about having a new person live with us.

I am now just starting my search and wondered if any forumites with experience could suggest any agencies to use or if anyone has successfully registered and paid their au-pair with childcare vouchers?

Any advice, interviewing tips etc would be hugely appreciated.

Thx

JM

[katgod]

Most unlikely an au pair would be OFSTED registered and hence illegible for voucher payment. You could try to go through the OFSTED registration process - insurance, first aid etc, but I doubt that someone OFSTED registered would be willing to work for au pair rates.

[jrthomas_uk]

I've looked into it Katgod and it is doable but at a cost. Just wondered if anyone had bothered doing it given the transient nature of au-pairs

[espolea]

Will au pairs work 2 or 3 full days during the week? ie. when a little one isn't at nursery?

L