17 month old and newborn - will I need childcare?

[monkeymoo]

Any ideas of whether we'll need childcare for our son who will be 17 months old when our second son comes along? We're currently considering a couple of days in nursery or a mothers helper to help out at home with both kids. Does anyone have any experience of that close an age gap, and if so, how did you handle it?

Thanks!

[Pickle]

I had that gap between my first two children, and spent the last part of my pregnancy worrying as everyone had an opinion, and the majority said I would need either help or a nursery place for #1.

As we had no family to help, I half heartedly looked around some nurseries but couldn't bring myself to go ahead as felt too guilty about effectively pushing my oldest (still very much a baby) aside to make way for his sister.

Once the baby arrived I was pleased I went with my gut instinct, as we very quickly got into a nice routine of going to playgroups etc where he could have fun, while I sat with the baby. From very early on, the baby was entertained simply by watching her brother, and they bonded very quickly once she was crawling and a bit more fun. I found loads of activities and groups that suited them both. They are now 6.5 and 5, and have a very close relationship.

I found it helped that I had them both in routines, so every day after lunch they both slept for a couple of hours which was a total godsend. It gave me time to get dinner organised, sit and eat lunch, and grab a few minutes to myself. This continued until they were 2.5 and 4, at which point the younger one dropped her nap (son would probably still nap after lunch if given the option!).

Hope that helps. I now have 3, but a gap of 3.5 years between my 2nd and 3rd children so a more relaxed time with just one baby at home while the others are at school.

[canela]

I have a cousin and a couple of friends with a 12 month gap between children! they both managed fine - like Pickle said, lots of playgroups and quite a bit of routine. though if you can afford it, I'm sure a cleaner would be a godsend!

[Pickle]

I had a cleaner, definitely worth it if you can afford it, as it means in those precious moments you get to yourself you don't need to be rushing round trying to clean toilets!

[bluesuperted]

My gap is much bigger 2yrs 7m, but we've managed fine without childcare and no family nearby either. It's exhausting at times but like Pickle said baby needs ZERO entertainment as big brother so zany and therefore so much fun! I also didn't want to push no.1 out into childcare so we've just muddled along. We are not routiney though - I've found being babyled and using a sling has helped massively as baby is so content to be cuddled and just comes along for the ride attached to me! I would say it's definitely tiring but I'm very proud of myself for having managed it for coming up to 4 months now. Don't have crazy high expectations of how exciting your days will be to begin with, relish any time to relax (eg today baby slept on my lap for 2.5hrs while toddler floated around noisily and played with a million toys and random bits of Sellotape, post it notes and so on...Total mess but I let it all happen and it was so worth it for the rest!) and if you can have naps where everyone sleeps definitely do it. We have some lovely co-naps but these are few and far between as it makes for very late toddler bedtimes. Having two is adjustment but wonderful as well, good luck with it all!!

[bluesuperted]

Oh yes totally agree: cleaner if at all possible, a friend calls it simply 'an extra adult help around the place' rather than a luxury item. I also rate ocado deliveries, slow cookers and at the moment I'm treating myself to once a week taxi as I don't drive and it avoids one hard work bus trip so is worth it's weight in gold right now!

[minder]

If you feel you won't be able to cope then a mother's help is a good idea. At least you can have your older child at home and not have to make time to get him up and ready to go to a nursery.

[Belle]

I'd say just keep your mind/options open if possible - it's do-able but as with everything in parenting, you can't predict how things will go and it's different for everyone. My second baby was such a horrendous sleeper, and had terrible reflux - for the first year we had many many nights when he woke every 40 mins. We were very fortunate that we already had son 1 settled in nursery a couple of mornings a week - and I was SO grateful for that time! As well as a help to me, it reassured me that he was getting some of the stimulation and activity he really needed. He was going stir crazy but I just couldn't get things together to even get out as much as he needed me to in the first few months.

That's kind of the other end of the spectrum from it all going well, I don't mean it in a scare mongering way but just if further down the line you feel you need help, don't beat yourself up about it! I think though at 17mths your son's needs won't be necessarily along sociable lines (i.e. nursery) so it may well be that e.g. a cleaner who might be happy to also watch him once in a while so you can grab a nap when the baby naps?

One other tip my midwife gave me for handling 2, pair up with other mums in the same position - it makes life so much easier in playgrounds etc, I remember doing t his early on with a good forumite friend and she was able watch the older two while I quickly fed my baby & kept an eye on her sleeping bub - to this day it's so much more easier this way. Divide and conquer basically ;)

[bluesuperted]

You're absolutely right Belle, I'm blessed with a good sleeper and very chilled out number two. That massively helps as I don't really worry about her at all, just logistics and toddler needs are what make life tiring, she's a breeze. If I had the money and had a third (who may not be as easy) I'd definitely try and budget for a doula type person to at least come and make me drinks and lunch for toddler in the early weeks after paternity leave finishes. Refluxy baby is such hard work and I think would require serious lateral thinking and calling in help from wherever to get through the early months.

[ClareC]

I've got a 15 month age gap between my two, it is hard work but having a routine and doing things does make all the difference. It gets easier the older they are too!

I started my eldest at nursery for two half days a few weeks before my youngest was born. She loved it! It gave me some one to one time with the baby - you do find its the toddler that takes the most attention at first!

We also have a cleaner, ironer and gardener. Trying to fit in these tasks is hard!

My two are 2 and 3 now, they are great friends and play really well together. They almost look like twins now!

It's a lovely age gap, hard at first but pays dividends!

[gwod]

My youngest2 (of 4) are 15 months apart and I found it helpful to have someone to help in the early weeks while I established breasfeeding and recovered from the C/section. It was good to know that if the older kids wanted to run around the park or get taken to a friends house it could be done. My husband was around for the 1st 2 weeks, I had a couple of hours help each day for the next couple of weeks, and then felt able to keep everything going after that, but it was good to have some flexibility in the plan incase Id felt Id needed a bit more help.

Best of luck with it all, dont forget to enjoy it!

[sillywoman]

I could have written Pickle's post some years ago. I agree with everything she said, except we didn't have a cleaner (let alone an ironer or gardener!). Routine and lowering expectations of what's achievable in a day made it a time I now look back on with fondness (and somehow the cleaning, ironing & gardening got done. We and our house are still standing :D ). Playgroups are also key.

[Mr P]

Thought I'd add my experience. There are 11 months between my two, both now at school full time. Don't try to be superwoman, if you need help and can afford it, get it. You will feel exhausted sometimes, it's ok to ask for help. Don't feel you have to do everything and make sure you get some alone time every week, just for some head space. Lower your expectations, it doesn't matter if bathtime is missed or if dinners consist of a lot of baked banes. Once a week I shared kids dinner time with a neighbour in a similar position, we both appreciated having one evening of not having to cook or clear up. Ultimately, do what you can to make sure you enjoy this time with your children without feeling guilty, or that you are not doing what you think other mums are doing. Our house is still crazy, loud and not very clean, but I have learnt to go with the flow and trust my instincts. Good luck!

[Gooders79]

You probably don't need extra help but it almost certainly will make life a bit easier...

19 mo between our two, we have quite a lot of childcare, our oldest (22mo now) is in nursery 4 days a week, he's been there for 10 mo and is really happy there. The nursery is very close to home so we are not going out of way for pick ups and drop offs, he will obviously keep his place for when i go back to work again as well. We are very lucky that we don't technically pay nursery fees whilst I am on maternity leave as the nursery is attached to work and we salary sacrifice the fees. We also have a cleaner and some additional mothers help for a few hours most weeks...

#1 loves nursery and is happy to go, he's well established there. His days in nursery give me a chance to spend some 1:1 time with #2 and get other things done without him and catch up on sleep or rest if needed.?

Is it all essential? Probably not, but we are in a fortunate position to be able to have all the help, we have no family at all locally to support us so this is our balance. It's allowing us to focus on both children, maintain our home and my partner and I can manage a night out or he can do a later night at work if needed without a complete bedtime meltdown.

We found our mothers help via the edf and so far it's working well, initially working out what we would need help with was a concern however we are comfortably using all of the help that we have and we are all grateful for it.

[KikiMac]

My two are 19 months apart and I was fine without any formal childcare, despite being convinced I would need it beforehand. However, this was due to a number of factors:

1. number 1 is very easy going and low maintenance,

2. we have great granny help and

3. a cleaner!

Looking back, I'm pleased I didn't get round to sorting out nursery for number 1 as he could have felt pushed out, and instead got to spend time with me and his new brother.

As everyone else has said, it depends on lots of different factors, some of which you don't know about yet, so if you can be flexible and prepared to suck it and see, do.

Good luck!

[Mens]

I have identical age gaps to pickle.

I would say, if you have spare cash it would be far better to spend it on help at home (I had someone to iron and paid my sister to cook) than to have eldest at nursery. It's actually a chore getting them to nursery.

Also, the more you have the less need you have for playgroups and activities as they have eachother.

I was desperate to keep my routine for my first when I second was born and made myself really tired. My third doesn't go anywhere or do anything and she's far happier and more advanced than the first two put together.

I did put my first in nursery for two mornings a week from 2 and a half so I could do things with my then one year old.

One tip: all have a daytime nap together as often as you can...we still do this and the girls are 2, 5 and 6!! Still need to re-charge our batteries!

[Pickle]

Just thinking about this more - part of the decision whether to use a nursery may come down to whether you are planning to return to work in the foreseeable future. I had already made the decision to be a stay at home Mum when I got pregnant with #2, which very much impacted my decision not to use a nursery.

[JDR]

I'm reflecting what others have said but I'd returned to work when no 2 arrived. As she was in nursery I kept her their. This kept our place for my return to work later. Obviously lots of people manage without but I would have gone crazy as my daughter dropped her naps around the time no 2 was born.

I admitted defeat though and did get a cleaner... This did help hugely especially when I returned to work and even more so when no 3 arrived a year later ;-) good luck with your choices

[katgod]

yep def depends on whether your child is already at nursery or not. Mine was, so I reduced his hours, and then after the initial 3 month fog lifted took him out of that nursery altogther and enrolled him in a mornings only type nursery. He would have gone stir crazy at home with me all the time as he was used to nursery. doing 3 mornings suited him and me fine. he was a bit older though. No point putting a child who is not used to nursery into one just because there is a new baby.

[fl0wer]

I was born only 16 months after my sister, a long time ago - 1950's.

Our parents and all the other adults around would keep treating us as if we were twins, with the same clothes etc.

If I could offer you one comment, it would be, of course be fair but let your love encourage each child into its own uniqueness. My own babies were 2 yrs apart (have written about that here in EDF parents discussion column already) - it was clear at the beginning they'd enjoy different kinds of toys, then as they grew up they played together plenty.

If I could have that time again I would welcome a cleaner, just to do the floors when everyone is out of the way. Other housekeeping tasks preferred to do myself. Cooking double recipes to make 2 meals, rather than just one, means your freezer always has a few readymade supper dishes.