Concerns / frustrations 3 year old

[willow]

My little boy has just turned 3 and I need some reassurance re: his behaviour over the past 2 - 3 months. Until fairly recently he used to play really nicely and would happily sit for hours doing puzzles, lego together etc. He'd also happily " help" me out hanging out the washing, sweeping etc. However his concentration seems to have gone to pot recently and seems to be regressing! He doesn't seem interested in doing anything. If I suggest doing games etc he'll just lie on the floor or act up. Also he doesn't listen to a word I say. We go to football classes on Tuesday morning which he used to really be into but now doesn't seem bothered by at all and will just act up when we go. Is this a normal phase for a 3 year old?? I find it very frustrating. I've tried all sorts of encouragement but he just seems to not to want to do anything (except watch Thomas which I have to limit!).

[fl0wer]

Something is wrong, but how seriously is hard to tell from your post.

LATER NOTE: Further down the thread people have got altogether entangled with the word 'wrong' so am adding that 'wrong' as meant here, means firstly, witnessing behaviour changes which show how a child feels.

Some criticised the nuance of there being something 'wrong' in the sense of implying a child isn't normal.

So secondly, maybe one's child isn't: maybe it is. It would be wrong to try and tell on line, and loving them matters either way. All children are unique and their wellbeing is paramount, whether they are apparently within the range of normal, or whether they turn out to be differently abled.

Some exceptionally highly gifted friends of mine will tell you, their experience of love and happy play or otherwise in childhood affects them for life. These are people society fears for being 'not normal'. Decades ago some were permanently awkward children who were mishandled - the parents embarrassed and inapproprately supported.

_____________________________

[back to the original post] Whether he has had a setback in development through illness, or through a psychological process whereby he wants to experiment and test you to get a reaction, I would ask: How is he at playgroup or nursery? What do the helpers say?

If he doesn't go to playgroup yet, this apathy towards you could be his way of showing he's ready. Boredom and repetitive TV show a need for new stimuli, changes in daily routines, more socialising and other creative events, maybe with messy paints and clay and fun dressing up, outdoor toys, etc.

Don't hesitate to get advice from a paediatrician. All of us worry about our kids from time to time and these people are highly skilled with check-up methods.

[Saila]

.

[Saffron]

It's impossible to tell from a single post that something is/isn't wrong with your child. Personally I'd say it seems pretty normal. Children have their ups and downs just like adults. But if you're worried about it you should speak to someone professional on a one to one basis. In the meantime I'd suggest looking online at some of the attachment parenting sites for tips on coping and engaging with the behaviour. xx

[oimissus]

I think it's a bit strong at immediately say 'something is wrong'. I would think that playing lego and puzzles for hours was pretty impressive for this age, Miss Oi would never have done such a thing (if only!)! Maybe he's just gone off them? Are you out and about a lot, park, playgroups, swimming etc? Is he is any childcare at all - at this age he may want to start playing with his peers - maybe see if you can get him in for some sessions at nursery or pre-school (his free 15 hours should have kicked in). Miss Oi definitely became more interested in playing with (rather than alongside) other children once she turned 3. He may also be exerting his own will, and so won't automatically go along with what you have planned, which again I think is normal for this age - I can't get Miss Oi to go to the things (like Tippee Toes) she went to before, and she can be very insistent about what she wants to wear, for example, whereas before she would happily wear what I want her to (which means we often get tights and a woolly hat on a sunny day, which makes me sigh a bit).

He's changing, his world is changing and his approach to it is changing, which can be a bit startling for parents but not necessarily something to be too concerned about.

[Lilly Potes]

I am also a Nanny Interviews are welcome I am not experience in activities with children I would like to discuss face to face with parents first before teaching how to swimm,run etc. Thank you I'll be waiting for you reply.

[Ole]

My son had this phase too at about the same age so it is probably normal. Does he go to nursery? if he doesn't then maybe he is ready for some sessions? Also, how about purging his toys of babyish/toddler ones? I found that after I boxed up stuff he has had since babyhood my nearly 4 year old now plays a lot more with what was left, and then we added a couple of new things to encourage more independent playing.

[sarahew]

I think it's right to be cautious, and to share your concerns with a professional. BUT, just to share, both me and a mum friend concur that our boys didn't have terrible twos, as we were expecting, but terrible threes. They're 3.5 now, and are settling down again, but it was quite a surprise. I, for one, thought I'd got away with it when he turned three, and we were out of the woods of terrible twos. More fool me :-).

[Rose Petals]

As a qualified early years professional and an experienced practitioner, I would say that from your post, your son sounds like he needs some more stimulation (of a specific kind) to engage his growing mind. From your post it is not clear if your child attends daycare/childcare but it is not uncommon for boys of this age to display this kind of behaviour, especially those not in nursery. They become bored easily yet they have the ability to concentrate for longer periods of time, so this needs to be supported in the right way.

Three is a vital age for cognitive development (language and brain) and a young boy at this stage can often become transfixed with one thing (i.e. Thomas) as this is allowing them to explore a particular schema (or pattern of behaviour) that they are discovering. From your post, I would say the following:

1. Perhaps he no longer wants to explore lego, puzzles, or football as much as before. There is a great book called You Choose by Nick Sharratt that you can read and share with him, which will allow him to pick out things he likes and may give you some clues on other things to try.

2. He may want more stimulation from other children - boys in particular. Can you set up any play dates with friends and see how he bonds there.

3. Be firm but fair with his behaviour. According to Piaget, a key figure in child psychology, children are in the egocentric development phase from age 2-6, where they can only think from their own point of view, and this dominates their thoughts. Being firm, but also giving him a bit of room should stop the not listening as far as possible.

If you want to chat further, come down to the Early Childhood Show - 27 July at Goose Green Centre, and I will be happy to chat with you if you still have concerns.

Bianca

[email protected]

[JessM]

I am not a doctor or anything remotely medical, just feel I should say! But once my eldest turned into a total grump (then about 2.1/2) for a few weeks. Not settling to stuff he usually liked, being naughty and more impulsive than usual. Then I realised my second (8mths ish)had worms. The doc told me treat all of us, which I did. Eldest cheered right up. I suppose I'll never know if he actually had worms as well (I didn't see the symptoms) but in hindsight it did seem that maybe he was just permanently uncomfortable but without the words to say.

I have to admit I've since tried the worming treatment (you can get enough to treat the family for a few quid from a pharmacist as long as they're over 2, the doc has to prescribe for under-2s) to cheer them up! Especially after reading on nhs direct about how common threadworms are.

Worth a try?!

[WorkingMummy]

Sounds utterly normal to me.

A little under a year ago, I had a hell of a time with my four year old. (Different from what you are describing - it was all about hitting/biting/yelling at me. She was lovely with everyone else.) All is well now. They do go through phases. And like all of us, sometimes they have a hard time, without there being anything "wrong" with them.

I found, what was really helpful was to take my focus off her a little bit - so, forget all the, "What's going on with her? How do I fix it? Will she ever change?" - and take a bit of time to focus on myself, how I felt about her behaviour, how I was reacting to it, and whether I was happy with how I was being. I just accepted where she was, and worked on changing my own behaviour around it.

I found this approach really transformed the situation much better than any "too much this/too little that" fix-it technique. It was amazing how quickly she was able to, well, kind of sort herself out (I don't really mean that but it's the best phrase I can find) once I stopped trying to "sort her out" for her.

A forumite recommended this book which I bought and liked.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/157224593X/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/181-9214509-6833542

[WorkingMummy]

PS. Also highly recommend using "special time", where for a designated period you let your child be in charge, like as a game. You tell him about it in advance, encourage him to think about it, and then (within the limits of safety, time and affordability) you go with whatever he suggests. And you have to do as he says. Even if what he wants is to do is nothing, you do it with him, and accept his instructions during the course of the activity.

I've got out of quite a few ruts with my kids using this idea. In her angry phase, my daughter would always choose as her special time: play wrestling, some other form of combat or going to the park and doing very specific instructions she gave me (run to that tree and back, do a cartwheel, go down the slide). Really helps bring back the joy into a relationship which seems stuck at "parent tells kid what to do, kid says no and acts up."

[Otta]

fl0wer Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Something is wrong, but how seriously is hard to tell from your post.

Idiotic post.

He's growing up. If you're still worried in a couple of months go and speak to someone.

[fl0wer]

Otta Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> fl0wer Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Something is wrong, but how seriously is hard to

> tell from your post.

>

>

>

> Idiotic post.

>

> He's growing up. If you're still worried in a

> couple of months go and speak to someone.

Otta, please don't charge online writing insultingly when your judgement is questionable late at night! You have not read what was carefully and thoughtfully composed in response to a lifelong awareness. Children ALWAYS play up for a reason, which may be superficial or serious, as my comment says.

[hellosailor]

Like Otta I was also taken aback by your rather alarmist response...it doesn't sound like anything is 'wrong' with the OP's son, let alone seriously, and I don't think a paediatrician is necessary. She understandably wanted a bit of reassurance that others were experiencing the same, which it sounds like a lot of people are.

You say that children ALWAYS play up for a reason...perhaps children do always play up for a reason but that reason might be that they want an ice cream they can't have, or don't want to get in the bath, which is not the same as there being something wrong.

[Otta]

What on earth has the time I posted got to do with anything. I thought your well thiufgt iut response was an idiotic one, and I still think so at 11am.

People come on here for reassurance, and the best advise for anyone is that if they are really concerned they should speak to a professional. You've never met the child in question and yet you feel it's right to tell an anxious parent that there is definitely something wrong with their child.

Have a word with yourself!

[fl0wer]

This is the word I have had:

Every day a mother walks ahead of her little son all the way along my street while he cries in a low, continuous moan the entire time. He must be between 2 & 3 years old and carries a baby's bottle in his hand. She never waits, has nothing to say to him, no buggy, no smile, not responding to the sense that something must feel "wrong" for her beautiful child. This indifference is the most awful thing to witness.

If you take issue with my use of the word "wrong" it would surely be better to explain and clarify,

so - to be absolutely foolproof - my version of "wrong" is in the sense that a child has few ways to tell us it's not feeling RIGHT, and the OP described some of them.

Reassurance of the chicken-soup variety wouldn't help as much as the process of reasoning by which s/he discovers more about her own skills and the child's, yes? Never to alarm, but to enter a logical set of questions which may make a huge difference to a child's progress and comfort, which in turn provide a more solid reassurance.

Advice of a professional WAS duly taken into account.

A wonderful 20 minute talk here =>

Another kind of equally valued professional, Rose Petals, identifies a similar possibility, i.e. that the OP's little boy may be ready for playgroup and worded her post very well, so that people read and absorb it more positively than mine perhaps. It is still no reason to write stuff insultingly.

I stand by what I wrote, and shan't ever want to see the forum become a disrespectful place.

[Otta]

Fl0wer, I have not insulted you. I am not calling you an idiot, clearly you are not, but I still found your post idiotic, that is a very different thing. Perhaps something has been lost in translation, but your initial post came across as suggesting that there was something wrong with the child.

[WorkingMummy]

Looks like a case of crossed wires to me. I read flower's post the same way as you Otta, but likewise I can see given what she says that she meant "wrong" as in "he's not his usual self". Not wrong like abnormal.

Returning to the completely normal but (as we all know) nonetheless very challenging situation Willow is in, what Flower originally asked about how your son is at playgroup (and/or with other people) is potentially very reassuring. Often as mother you can get thrown the most difficult behaviour to deal with, when there's no issue at all when you are not there. This is soooo normal.

[oimissus]

and soooo annoying!

[sillywoman]

Otta Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> fl0wer Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Something is wrong, but how seriously is hard to

> tell from your post.

>

>

> Idiotic post.

>

> He's growing up. If you're still worried in a

> couple of months go and speak to someone.

I'm afraid I second Otta on this. PLease be careful how you phrase your posts Fl0wer, it's unfair, unkind and a comes across as somewhat arrogant to be so absolute and alarmist. If you post in such a way then you must expect people to protest. I see no evidence of insult or disrespect to you at all, but I'm glad to see that someone has challenged your post as it must have been very alarming for the OP to read.

OP, having been through 3 year old boyhood 3 times now I would say he sounds completely normal and is having what I used to think of as an 'emotional growth spurt'. My remedy in times like this was to back of completely, allow whatever regression was needed (within reasonable limits), and wait. Usually within a few months I would notice a change and my boy would move on a stage. I'm really just concurring with what most other posters have said and am aware I'm not really adding anything new to the debate, but I wanted to reassure you that from the description you posted he sounds like a normal 3 year old boy with nothing "wrong" at all.

[WorkingMummy]

oimissus Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> and soooo annoying!

:-)