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Loneliness and being a mum...


RenF

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I'm hoping not to come across as too pathetic with this post, but it is something I have been stuck thinking about for a while, and wondered if it was just my experience.


Is anyone else a bit lonely?


I had my daughter 19 months ago, and in many respects life has returned to (a sort of) normality. I go to work four days a week, my husband and I occasionally get out for dinner/drinks or away for a weekend on our own (much more rarely). I enjoy my work (for the most part).


I am the only one in my circle of close friends with a child. Recently I have realised that I do most of the 'running' in arranging to meet up. It seems always to be me suggesting a drink after work, or meeting up at the weekend. Its left me feeling a bit like a desperate needy person! I'm pretty sure its not that my friends have decided en masse to not like me anymore, but I guess whilst I was focussing on having my child and for at least the first year basically being pretty much focussed on that alone, their lives have moved on too. (A couple have got married etc). But given that I am making myself available to meet up, and try really hard to arrange babysitting or my husband to look after my daughter so I can go out, they just don't seem to make the first suggestion to meet up like they used to.


Are they just assuming I won't be able to make it? Should I say something? Or should I just keep plugging away in the hope that eventually things will return to how they once were? Or should I just accept that life with a child means being out of the loop of the rest of the world?


Any experiences/advice welcome (even of the 'pull yourself together' variety).

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I think a lot of people would agree that being a modern parent can be very lonely, compared to our tribal roots. No longer do we live in small villages with big families. Each in our little house, with our own lives and worries, actually it's not just parenting, modern life in general can be lonely. It's no wonder social media is so popular.


When I once observed that I felt out of the loop (re parenthood), a good friend with older children remarked that as parents we are not out of the proverbial loop. We're simply at the centre of a different loop.


Of course it's all much-of-a-much when you feel like you're struggling to keep up social ties, and people are going on about who snogged whom at some party you didn't even know was happening.


If you think your friends are just assuming you can't make it to most stuff anymore, maybe you should specifically talk to them about it? Of course it could always be that the economy has hit them harder than you think. A lot of people who look like they're doing pretty well are actually really struggling behind closed doors. Are your friends just going out less in general?


I know Mr Saff and I definitely struggle with our finances, despite both working. We're more likely to have informal dinner parties now than to meet friends out for dinner. It saves on baby sitting too. But tbh, even many of our single and childless friends are struggling to balance work-life commitments in the current economy.


Making new friends can be an uphill struggle too. I already have so many commitments from home and work, plus keeping up with old friends. If I get an hour to myself it's a rare blessing, but then 20 min into it, I start to feel like it would be nice to have a friend over to visit... Ah, but everyone's out or already has plans. Hmm.


Keep working at it. Friendships forged in tough times will see you through a life time, but don't forget there are other people like you who're looking for new friends too. Try not to worry if things don't work out all the time. Take a step back. Your plate may be fuller than you think.


Mr Saff often works wknds, so if you're ever at a loose end get in touch! xx

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I completely understand what you are talking about! Though I have made some good friends through NCT, I am the only one of my pre-baby group of friends with a child (2.5 years old now!). I find that there is little understanding of where am I in my life ('bring your daughter along to the bar, she can sleep!'), but then again, I feel I have lost touch with their lives too...


I am told that once and if they have kids it tends to get easier again. It is very sad to see friendships fizzle out, and I really struggled with this - especially in the first year and a bit of my daughter's life. I felt isolated and lonely, despite going to work etc.


I have found that I have bonded much more with my NCT group and also with friends who have shown support and understanding, so in a way I have gained new friendships out of this.


It is very difficult though, and I am a little worried about how I will cope with the arrival of my second in a few months time... Support from your partner always helps! xx

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I think being a mum can be really lonely. I don't think you ever think of that before you have a child! I certainly found that with my first child. Less so now I have two.


When I had my first child I only had one friend who didn't live locally that had a baby. None of my other friends had children. I think there is an assumption from non-parents that you may have your hands full and so maybe too busy to do big social things. They therefore ask you out less as they don't want you to feel awkward at having to say no? I also think there is an assumption that all you want to do if you have kids is talk about baby related stuff, and their chit chat may seem a bit superficial now you have moved on to 'bigger' and more important things. I know for most mums this is not the case and they would do anything to go out and share a bottle of wine and catch up on all the goss from girlfriends.


I think you will find in a year or two some of your friends who don't have kids will be starting to, especially as you say some are now getting married. This will change things as they will find that their social lives change, and may look to you and your family to become more social with, by doing more day time stuff (weekend lunches etc).


Most of my friends now do have kids and its really nice when we all do stuff with the kids in tow. I don't see my friends as much at all as I used to pre-kids (its simply not logistically possible and it took me ages to get used to that), but when we do meet up we really all appreciate the time together (I hope!). One of my oldest closest friends who doesn't have kids seems to have such a busy social life and like you, I sometimes think, 'if only you knew what it would mean to me for you to come out with me and have some drinks, just me and you, for a proper catch up.' It sounds a bit pathetic, but probably the best way forward is to just tell your friends how you feel, or over emphasise how much you do want to go out and do the things you loved doing pre-children.


The last thing I would say is that I really found the lonliness disapated once my first born started to properly talk. He is now nearly 4 and literally talks ALL THE TIME. There is never a quiet moment, and though I do crave adult conversation particularly on those long days when I don't see my husband at all if he is working late etc, my son now makes a good little companion who I enjoy talking with. I therefore find myself craving going out less in the evenings than I did when he was a baby, because I quite enjoy the peace and quiet of sitting in front of the telly without the chit chat!!


Anyway, good luck, I really think you should just be honest with one of your really good mates. Or hang on in there and things will change naturally with time...

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They are just assuming you won't be able to make it, won't be interested. I remember when my friends first started to have kids, my husband and I would joke it was like they had fallen of the face of the earth. They also seemed to have made a lot of new friends that had small babies via NTC groups.


If you are only now getting back into making plans with them, give it time and they'll get used to the idea of you being available to do stuff again though it will take time. There is definitely an out of sight out of mind aspect to it and figuring out how you all fit together again as people's lives change is always a bit tough.


Trust me, I remember what its like to be your friends and unless they are making up reasons not to see you, nothing is wrong!

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also it may be that as they have got older/got married etc they are just a bit more lazy and less sociable - so keep plugging away. maybe join some new groups/sports - where you can socialise not necessarily in the bar etc . I only say that as i have just failed to go along to a birthday do as honestly i would rather just stay at home and have a glass of wine in front of the tv. But I went out in a dragon boat this morning and had a fantastic time. tomorrow i am taking my daughter to an outdoor swimming pool. I think people change and you can't expect things to be the same. I try and value the times I do go out (or get dragged out) but also make my life full with new and exciting challenges. Not sure I have explained that well as a little drunk on my wine at home but I definitely don't felt lonely. I felt more lonely in my 20s with a huge group of friends. I am really happy just doing lots of things I enjoy doing, with different groups of people. I probably have only a few good friends now but just do a lot of stuff - some of it with my daughter but a lot of stuff on my own. You'l work it out I am sure. Change is hard.


susypx

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I have just had my first LO and have found myself feeling very similar. I joined baby groups, did nct but like everything it takes a while to get to know people and I find I have to make a real effort. It's tiring. The nice thing is with old friends you don't have to make to make an effort. It's relaxed and easy. A lot of my friends have had kids but I don't see them as much as I would like. Everyone is time short. I am not back at work yet and have to remind myself this is a special time which I won't get back but it's hard sometimes...
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I've found as my kids get older my social circle what widened - once they're at school you have the opportunity to participate in school related events (evening ones, without kids) and its a great way to meet more people in a similar situation. I had a very enjoyable (albeit quite drunken) night out with other Mums from my 2nd child's class last night.


Also, as they get older, it gets easier to be able to return to things you did pre-kids. I love being able to play in orchestras where there's a range of ages, and music is the thing we have in common, not children.

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Relate to this a lot, felt very abandoned by friends when Bugglet arrived and as Bugglet got older found myself with the time available to go out, but unable to find anyone wanting a night out with me :(


However, have found in the last 18mths things have improved considerably, I made a few friends via the W. Dulwich Bumps & Babes group and have found despite my best mummy mate moving out to Surbiton we've been able to keep our (and our girls) friendship going. Plus, finding a really good activity (in my case hummy mummies) has further widened my friends network and given me some fab nights out with a great bunch of friends.


I still morn the friendships that have dwindled, especially those which I've done a lot of running around to try and keep going but to no avail.

But having found a great hobby and made brill friends through it I'm in a much happier

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Relate to this a lot, felt very abandoned by friends when Bugglet arrived and as Bugglet got older found myself with the time available to go out, but unable to find anyone wanting a night out with me - causing many tears and frustration.


However, have found in the last 18mths things have improved considerably, I made a few friends via the W. Dulwich Bumps & Babes group and have found despite my best mummy mate moving out to Surbiton we've been able to keep our (and our girls) friendship going. Plus, finding a really good activity (in my case hummy mummies) has further widened my friends network and given me some fab nights out with a great bunch of friends.


I still morn the friendships that have dwindled, especially those which I've done a lot of running around to try and keep going but to no avail. But having found a great hobby and made brill friends through it I'm in a much happier place than I was.

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friendships do change as you have kids, but you will make new friends too. most people without kids can't imagine what it is like to have them - how could they? and as kids grow up and you have more of them they will take up more and more of your time. i find that nowadays i meet up with my old pre-kid friends a couple of times a year - and we have to organise that ages in advance as everyone has kids, partners, work etc to juggle! it's not loads but when we do meet up we often have a sleepover at someone's house, take the weekend off, leave the kids at home, and have a ball! then I have made a lot of new friends who also have kids and who, crucially, have kids of around the same age that my kids like to play with. i went through a stage when i didn't know a whole lot of people, and I had to throw myself into all kinds of clubs etc before I met some people I clicked with. most other mums are really sociable - basically, if your kids get on then you are practically friends already!


also be aware that some of your friends might be wanting to start a family and might be finding it tough. i know several of my close friends found it difficult to see friends who already had babies when they were trying and having problems. there might be things going on that you don't know about.

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I totally relate to this renF! I have been feeling so abandoned by my old friends lately. I think that they assume that because you have a partner and a baby, you have it all and don't need girlfriend time anymore. Actually, I need time with them more than ever!! I do find that friends without children seem quite selfish and silly to me now but its just that kind of light interaction that I crave!

I get really upset when I hear that they have had time off work and haven't told me so we could arrange a get together - they literally have no idea how lonely the week can be for me as a SAHM. Making new friends is great but its tiring and I really miss feeling a part of a group of people who really know me.

I keep thinking, 'one day, you will know what's its like when you start having kids!'

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That's funny because I felt the reverse from some of my friends when they had children. I felt shut out of their lives. I desperately wanted to be part of their and their new children's lives, but they seemed to be totally consumed with family time, or thought I wouldn't want to join children's activities with them because I didn't have any children.


I have a friend (with children of course) who says the world is divided into 2 types of people: Those who have children and those who don't. But I think there's more to it than that. I think the world is divided into people who are understanding about children, and those who aren't. Long before I ever had my own child, I loved children and was very patient and understanding about family relationships.


Sure, children change things in a way that only their parents can understand -- and even some people who have children aren't very understanding about other people's families/children! -- but if you feel like your friends are your real friends, then don't give up on the friendship, but work on having it change and grown if it's worth keeping. And if not, don't be afraid of making new friends! xx

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I was only 18 when I had my daughter so can understand this fully. I felt immense periods of loneliness but at the same time was very happy with the choice I made and my daughter more than made up for the fact I felt I had little to fill the lonely gap. I had friends in one part of the country, and friends in another. I moved to london at the beginning of my pregnancy to be with her Dad, we were in a long distance relationship for nearly a year before this after meeting abroad while on holiday. All I had here was his family, with whom we lived until my daughter was 9 months old and his friends (who were just that, HIS friends) sometimes I found it really difficult.


We did do nights out once a month of once every 2 months just to have some time to feel ourselves. He found it especially difficult to transition from a 18 year old to a parent and thought his life was going to be completely put on hold for 18 years raising a child. I could understand completely but knew it wouldn't be like it.


My daughter is now 4 1/2 and has just done a year at preschool, this was good for both of us. It gave her a chance to create great relationships but while she did I also did too. While most parents you see on route its just a smile and friendly hello, others its playdates and a coffee, long chats, and real interaction. Its nice. Gives you some form of social normality if that makes sense.


In the early days we didn't do much as my health was bad and I felt really low in myself. Although it didn't affect my relationship with my daughter it did affect the days out we 'didnt' do and the time I felt I should of spent doing things with her outside my comfort zone. I may well of made playdates and coffee mornings before.


As my friends were elsewhere in the country and I don't drive I rarely saw anyone but kept in touch on facebook and over the phone. They also didn't have children so were and still are enjoying life before children and don't understand the full extent of what having children means and the hours in the day it takes up being a mother.


I moved away from my life long best friend in 2004, we kept in regular contact until 2008 when I was pregnant when contact became less regular. Between 2009 and 2011 we could go upwards of 6 months without phonecalls, my life was hectic, I don't think she understood but I didn't blame her for that. When we spoke it was as if we had been chatting every week, nothing had changed we were still the best of friends. In mid 2011 we saw each other after about 2 years, she had been through a rough time, we starting chatting more and more to the point we now chat and facetime weekly for sometimes 4 hours at a time. My daughter gets involved and loves it and is growing a great 'aunty' type relationship with my friend. We have just spent the weekend with her and her parents and plan much more frequent meet ups from now on.


Relationships with friends can and do evolve they just need work, new friends are great too!

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I totally agree with gillandjoe. I'm glad this has been written as I've been feeling incredibly lonely since having my son. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. It's a complete change in lifestyle as I used work 12 hours a day and now I'm a full time mum. Spending long periods of time in my own and some days barely speaking to anyone is hard. Most of my NCT group have gone back to work but my choice was really work and never see your child or be a full time mum so I took redundancy. I don't regret my decision but it can be very lonely. Old Freinds always seem to assume you are busy and if they've had time off and I didn't see them it upsets me. Making new friends is hard especially when quite often all you have in common is that you both have children! However I love being with my son and am sure it will be better eventually at least the sun us shining and we can spend lots if time outside.....x
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My thoughts exactly, East2! It's weird how you can be so happy and in love with your child/ren and content with your choices and completely, lunatically desperate for company at the same time! Parenthood never ceases to amaze me with its multiplying complexities! Maybe what I miss from old friends is how simple life used to be eventhough I didn't know it was simple at the time.
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Changes in relationships is one of the issues that we discuss on the NCT Postnatal courses.

As well as being another opportunity to meet with a group of parents with young babies and form new connections with those living in the area, it is time to think about what people expected and what actually happened when they had a baby.


The impact on friendships is one of the things that comes up time and again. People sometimes feel that their friends have stopped contacting them, and it's good to take time to consider 'who moved?' in the friendship. Did they move away? Did you? Did the fact that you became pregnant become a stumbling block for them? Were they hoping to become a parent themselves?


There are so many unknowns, and even within families the impact of pregnancy and birth on siblings can be huge.


Through the NCT Postnatal courses we discuss how these changes have impacted us as new parents, we think about ways of re-connecting with others, and how to strengthen the relationships that people have at the moment.


'Baby-Friends' is not a particularly helpful phrase, but we do meet others in the same situation when we become parents, I remember seeing another mum at a play area when my child was a baby and thinking: 'she looks like someone I could talk to'! We did chat briefly, and later on our children were in the same reception class. We discovered their birthdays were 2 days apart and decided to have a joint birthday party sharing the cost, the fun and the stress! We still see each other now, and our girls are in their teens. So, 'Baby-Friends' can be so much more than just that, many people say that the friendships they forged during the early months are the ones they rely on in the day to day of family life.


If you want to know more about the NCT Postnatal courses do ask, all the best


Mollie

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