Anyone else having a nightmare in the mornings

[susyp]

So, I work mon-weds (when my husband does childcare) and then I am off thursday and friday . Thursdays in particular my daughter and I ALWAYS have a screaming row just before she goes to school as for the life of me i can't get her ready in time as she just won't cooperate. She is rude and calls me names like "poo poo mummy" . I can't stand it and I am thinking of shifting my work days so i work the end of the week rather than the beginning as i think part of it must be that we are both tired and she does clubs the first 3 days of the week after school. It leaves me feeling down all day when I'v eleft her after a shouting match. Back to the days of 2 year old tantrums and feeling like a terrible parent as my only solution is to shout at her.

I was off yesterday for a hospital appt and as I had to leave earlier and drop her at a friend's house I got up really early and made her lunch etc before she even got up - this could be a solution so that all I have t odo is get her ready for school rather than make her lunch/get myself ready- but it seems a bit extreme getting up at 6am when we have to leave at 0845!

SAhe's grumpy after school and hubbie and I had a row about the fact I've said I would liek to take her to one of her activities earlier in the week as all i get later in the week is grumpy child at home. So I've now said well lets just both take her (ridiculous but what can you do).

All the shouting at eachother and her calling me (silly) names all the time is just getting a bit out of control and I feel I'm in one of those can't win situations - I need some advice on how to calm the situation down and not always resort to shouting. I think we need to punish her more ie if she can't behave on a thursday she needs to miss all her clubs the next week - my husband thinks that is too extreme (as he likes taking her to these things!) but I think she needs some consequences and she really can't carry on being so rude and shouting at me for eg when I ask her to switch of the tv as she needs to clean her teeth and put her shoes on. I do start off being calm but it just makes me so cross when she shouts "NOO POOPOO MUMMY" .

losing the parenting game at the moment - help!

susypx

[catgirl]

I would try losing the TV or at least not letting it go on until she's totally ready which may be an incentive for her to get ready quickly.

We never have the TV on before school - I know that if it went on then I would stand zero chance of getting my children to do anything!

What time does she get up? Do you have a regular routine / order in which you do things in the morning?

Even if we're up early I get mine to get dressed and washed straight after breakfast and then any left over time they can play / finish homework etc. Otherwise I know that if the other stuff came first we'd end up rushing and stressing to get dressed and washed.

And when my daughter had packed lunch we always made it the night before - for some reason I found that made a really big difference to how rushed and stressful things seemed in the morning!

Another suggestion is some sort of reward chart where she gets a tick for getting ready quickly / without a fuss?

Or I know someone who successfully used a timer with her son - I bet you can't get dressed and brush your teeth in X time etc.

[Beagle]

You are not alone in struggling to get out of the house sanity intact. In our house once it escalates to shouting there is no way back and it's always me under time pressure and getting stressed nothing my child has done.

Definitely get bags lunch etc sorted night before in as much as possible.

I have just read an article on supernanny.co.uk on taming a wild child. My child is not wild i should clarify and is only 3 and I am probably the root cause of the morning disharmony, but I found some of the advice on stopping things escalating really useful. I do think kids take their cue from us and our stress.

[susyp]

i think i might just get up at 6 (same as work days) so that I can have a cup of tea in peace and sort everything out including myself then all i have t do is get her washed fed and dressed - might be easier!

just had huge row with my otherhalf about this as I feel that I am just getting the hard end of the week . He is freelance and not been working much so at home most of the time. At the moment he takes her swimming lessons on a monday and tennis on a tuesday. I set both classes up and I am very into swimming myself so was keen to take her to her swimming lessons - in the end the class was on a day i worked so i suggested he take her. But now I am thinking of maybe working tues-thurs so that I have a least one day with her when we are both rested and happy (hopefully) after the weekend plus I would like to see her learning to swim. He thinks I am being completely unreasonable as it is "his thing". Basically we are fighting over our child. But I just feel I am getting all of the tantrums and not a lot of the good stuff

susypx

[Mellors]

How old is she?

What is her schedule like Mon - Weds? How do you tackle it then?

What time does she go to bed?

You say she has clubs every Monday - Wednesday. Are you sure she isn't exhausted by Thursday and thats why she is kicking off?

I have three little ones to get up and out by 8.30am age 6, 5 and 2. This is what I do (if it helps!)

The big ones get straight into their school uniform and come downstairs via the bathroom for teeth. Not allowed downstairs until fully dressed including shoes. I do the toddler. We all go straight to he dining room and eat breakfast together (either cereal or porridge). No getting down from the table until thats done. This whole process usually takes from 7.30 - 8am, and over breakfast we talk about the day (normally so they can remind me of the things I've forgotten like forms, or PE kit).

At 8am, and as long as evreyone is sorted out, I let them watch TV, although tye know its only for a little while.

Whilst they watch TV I put the bags etc in the car (having sorted out everything the night before - 3 x bags, coats, shoes, PE kits, etc etc (school and nursery do lunch normally, but otherwise I do it the night before and just take it out of the fridge). I stick on a load of washing and have a general tidy up. 8.30am, no later, in the car and off to school, no fuss.

I keep one eye on the clock, but other friends set timers, and discuss the reasons why the have to be kept to (e.g its better if we leave in good time so we can chat and look at things on the way to school instead of having to run and Mummy getting shouty?!)

I hope you get it sorted, stressful mornings are hell. x

[Mellors]

NB - I get up and have my shower/get dressed whilst the big ones are getting ready so I am sorted. Toddler has to wait until I'm done (I have learnt to be V quick!). I squeeze in a cup of tea in the 8 - 8.30 slot whilst they are watching tv and I'm doing a few quick chores.

[lillyanginger]

How about 'work to rule' on the day you are off and the pressure is not there for you to get to work.

Remind her/ask her nicely to do all the things you know she can/needs to do but instead of shouting and the situation escalating you sit back down once you are ready and do something completely different. Not the usual tidying or clearing the table etc but read a book or the paper. A quiet activity so she can see you are relaxed.

You take her to school once she is ready. She will be late but it will not be YOUR fault. She will very probably not like to do that very often..hopefully.

Good luck, I feel for you!!!!

[canela]

we were always late a while ago, and we ended up sorting it in two ways:

first, was a family agreement that if we had all got to school on time for the whole week, we would have cake after school on a Friday and the kids got to choose the cake.

second, we have alarms set on the phone and everyone knows what they are for. We have a first alarm for getting up (kids and me mostly are up before, but this is to make sure my hubby - who takes them to school - gets up), then an alarm for when everyone needs to get ready (ie, stop whatever you're doing, clothes, teeth, shoes etc), then an alarm for leaving the house.

it may sound regimented but the kids actually love the alarm. they choose the ring tone, and they always do what it says. maybe it is easier as it is not me asking them to do something, but instead the alarm is for everyone. the idea is to make getting ready and out of the house all of our responsability. and it works. have never been late again, and the cake has fallen by the wayside as no longer needed as an incentive.

in fact it works so well my son actually suggested yesterday having an alarm for him to go to sleep - as he always resists but does understand he needs his sleep.

we are a family controlled by a phone!

but on top of that I do always have everything ready the night before - lunches, bags etc - mine and theirs. 15 mins the night before can save an hour in the morning! I even get the coffee pot ready so all I have to do is turn the gas on.

sounds like a good idea to get up earlier and get your cup of tea and head in gear before you face the day.

[susyp]

thank you amazingly top tips there!

most of it I do have sorted it's just the last 15 mins - as she has breakfast then i try and leave it 30 mins after having her oj before cleaning her teeth and having a wee - by which point she is settled watching tv so won't shift!

it could be that she has breakfast half an hour earlier (altho then i worry she will get hungry at school ) and then gets dressed etc which would mean i could clean her teeth etc before telly - so she is completely ready before we put the telly on.

what is quite annoying is that she always says "daddy doesn't do it like that". arg.

yes she is exhausted by thurs/friday but she loves her swimming and tennis so i am loathe to take it away from her.

it's the rudeness that is really getting to me as well. I can't believe the name calling. I am going to start putting her in her room each time she does it but that will just escalate screaming matches as she goes beserk - but i think i need to start setting some behaviour standards.

susypx

[Mellors]

Definitely no TV until *everything* is done or you have no hope of shifting her. I don't negotiate over turning the telly off either, I just march over and switch it off, even mid programme or we'd be at it all day.

I'm afraid we do teeth/wee after getting dressed and before breakfast during the week (with water), probably end up rotting away, the poor little buggers.....

Could you swap one activity to the weekend, so she is not so tired and you get to take her (and enjoy it)? We swim Sat am, so they dont do so much after school.

You and Daddy need to agree on a routine and stick to it no matter who is doing it. They love nothng better than spotting an opportunity for divisiveness, in my experience. Agree it between you, write it down, then show it to her (maybe all of you sign it - mine love a good contract, but then we are both lawyers lol) and stick a copy on the fridge/kitchen wall?

I think they go through phases with name calling - mine definitely picked up some from school. I'd try to stamp it out asap - its totally unacceptable, and you don't want her doing it to teachers/friends. Explain why you are doing whatever you are doing e.g. removing her to her room/not letting her have tv but be firm and dont back down, even if she screams. You can't let the little sods win, or it'll be mayhem.

Just my opinion, feel free to ignore (I am a strict mummy for my own sanity!). xxx

[susyp]

yes mellors you are right about the name calling - i need t ostart putting her in her room for each and every episode.

I think if I just get up earlier I will be calmer and everything will happen that much earlier . I think I will ask her to draw pictures etc after breakfast (which she is likely to agree too) and then teeth before telly and see how it all works.

tomorrow is an inset day so i think i may take her to a big pool near me which has slides and ten pin bowling etc and just have a realy fun day together (hopefully) with no timetable to it.

i think she does kick off more with me partly because I am her mum. As for eg even on the days i work she won't tell her dad about things that have upset her at school but saves it al for me when i get home. So i tend to get all the emotions. But doesn't mean she can be rude.

susypx

[Pickle]

I am also in the no tv before school camp, as I know it would cause problems.

I have 3 kids (6.5, 5, 20 months), they are up and in their uniforms at 7am, breakfast is generally done and dusted by 7:45, at which point the older two do their homework. After that, they're free to play, but definitely no tv or computer. They get a tidy up time warning 10 mins before we leave for school, and after I once carried through with my threat of "anything left out goes in the bin" they do it remarkably well :)

While I do a last minute nappy change for my youngest, they get their shoes and coats on.

I think it's about making a plan for the mornings, explaining how it works, then sticking to it. Get as much done the night before as you can, as if you're stressed in the mornings your child will be too.

I get up 15 mins before the kids to have a shower (an hour earlier some mornings to go for a run), and eat breakfast with them.

[verds]

We find mornings stressful, too, since my eldest started reception. I cheat by bribing them with ten minutes of telly once they're dressed - and then I go in the shower while they're watching it. I'm going all-out on bribery (oops, I mean gentle encouragement) at the moment and if she goes all five mornings without throwing a huge, screaming tantrum just as we're heading out the door she'll get a comic.

We live five minutes away from school, but I start getting them out the door 20 minutes before the bell goes so I also build in time for her sister, who's nearly two, to throw a strop because she doesn't want to go in her pram.

One thing I found when I was working four days a week was that my little girl really played up on the Friday, which was our only day together. I think she was just letting me know how cross she was for leaving her the rest of the time. Or maybe she'd used up all her good behaviour on the other days!

[Mellors]

Love the idea of using up all the good behaviour on the other days :)

I think thats why I'm shouty at the weekend after I've been at work during the week. just no more niceless left to dish out :D

[canela]

my son often used to say after starting school, "I can't be good anymore. I've been good all day". I really think there's something in it. i.e., they know they really have to behave at school, so sometimes at home they can go the other way

[EDmummy]

Been doing it with my two for over 7 years - I get up much earlier than they do, make lunches, uniforms ready, me bathed. Then wake them up - hubby takes over the giving them breakfast whilst I get make-up on and dressed. Then kids go straight from breakfast table to clothes. If we've got some time left over we use it to read a few pages of a reading book with the younger one, chat about the day with the older.

I'm not saying there isn't occassional shouting but that only usually happens if the television is involved!

With the afterschool behaviour, I work the back-end of the week Wed-Fri. Even at the beginning of the week we let them completely chill when they get back from school or clubs and take on the chin any bad behaviour that may be the result of tiredness. The main thing is to lower your expectations at the end of the day - I know very few adults who are still perky and ready to go at the end of the day - why should we have that expectation for our children.

On your days off, why not have a really fun mummy thing ie., sweetie shop on a Friday; building dens together and playing tea; baking.

Good luck. It's not easy and you may try a few different ways to find out what works for you.

[etta166]

Try just ignoring the name calling. It sounds pretty standard for a 5 year old. I just ignore any comment preceded or followed by poo poo. It really seems to work, as my son was only calling me poo poo mummy to try to get me cross and when it doesn't get any response he gives up.

Also, I think you might be leaving yourself too much time in the morning. I definitely find that my mornings are better if there's no time for my older 2 to get into any activity other than the strictly necessary. So for us it is up, breakfast, teeth, dressed, shoes on, out the door. If we are quicker than normal then I read a story once we are all ready bar the shoes. Once they get faffing, it's hard to move them along. And I would never be able to put the TV on in the morning withou a massive outcry when I swtiched it off.

If the OJ/toothpaste thing is causing problems with timing, then maybe just give the juice a miss?

[pebbles]

I have 2 (6 and 4) and they get themselves dressed before going downstairs (when this didn't happen was when the stress occurred in my house).

As soon as they have finished breakfast they brush teeth (kept in the downstairs loo) and put shoes on while I pack the car. We then go. Sometimes this means we're early to school but then I just read them books until it's time to go in and other times it gets us there on time.

I did use to allow tv but it made for arguments so I stopped that.

It's definitely the getting dressed before going downstairs that makes a difference to us.

Oh yes - I also shower at night and I don't wear makeup so that helps my getting up routine take about 1 minute!!!!

Good luck and I really hope that things improve

xx

[Suzanne Cummings]

I recommend the book Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting. It really works.

[Smiler]

I reckon three weekday clubs on consecutive in addition to school is too much for reception.

[Mrs TP]

I do think there should be a siren in ED and surrounds in the morning giving a last warning to all school children to finish getting dressed / finish breakfast / clean their teeth / get their shoes on / get their book bags etc. However, in the absence of all this I just do it all for my youngest, even often feeding her her breakfast, even though she is 4 and just started school and perfectly capable of doing it herself. The more I do the less shouting there is. The older ones get better at sorting themselves out and understand the timing countdown i.e. we have 20 mins left / it is half-past etc. We do still have the odd spat if they get distracted by some random thing such as suddenly tidying the doll's house etc.

Mine, including the youngest, are all capable of doing everything but the more I do, especially for the youngest, rather than tell them to do (and repeat myself endlessly in increasing decibels) the smoother it is. From time to time she pitches in and will decide to eat her breakfast unsupervised or will suddenly get herself dressed and I have a pleasant surprise rather than disappointment at her not doing anything, which I just accept as the norm.

I sound a right pushover but I have been through it all with my older two and demanding that they did everything from day 1 at school but realised it was just me getting stressed and so help them more and end up much less stressed.

As for the name calling that is a completely different thing and of course needs addressing. Poopoo is quite light though the full phrase if she wants maximum impact is 'poohead bumface'. Good luck.

[susyp]

all brilliant encouragement here! i am going to avoid the tv from now on as it seems a common problem - and get up earlier! with the name calling - after watching that 3 day nanny i explained to the little angel that my approach from now on to shouting or being rude was that she would get one warning then be in her room. Since then she has had 2 warnings and no goingto her room and today no warnings at all - she's been perfect

yes i think a lot of it is tiredness but she is totally into her sport clubs and she does art o nthe third day which she pretty much does all the time at home anyway. I don't want to take away an activity she loves but I have stopped her doing any more !

She had an inset day yesterday and we went swimming and bowling and had a lovely day with no shouting by either of us!

I suspect she is a bit too like me for us to avoid any shouting.

I asked my mum today how she got 3 of us out the house and she said basically me and my brother were fine but my sister was away with the fairies and she couldn't inject urgency into her so often got cross - it's obviously in part a character type!

thanks everyone!

susypx