Explaining death to a 3 year old

[Bonfire2010]

Hi all

My 3 year old son has started asking questions about where his granny (my mum) is. She passed away just before he was born, and I have some photos of her in the house plus he has seen our wedding photos which she is in. We have always spoken about her around him, apart from the actual 'she is dead' part which he wouldn't have understood, but just recently he has started to ask specific questions such as 'when is granny coming to see me?' and 'I would love to see granny, why doesn't she come and see me?'. He asks them at quite random times (not when we would necessarily just have mentioned her for instance) which makes me think he is starting to think about her a bit. I am at a bit of a loss as to how to answer him - I don't want to scare him, and me and my husband are not churchgoers (although we both come from quite strongly Catholic families) so I don't really want to go down the 'she is in heaven' route as this will lead to another set of questions.

What I am after is a way to sensitively answer his questions in a basic manner which he'll understand, but which won't freak him out completely. I can remember learning about death as a child and being terrified that my parents would die, and I really don't want him to feel like that at such a young age.

Any ideas on how to tackle this would be really appreciated.

Xx

[Belle]

Hi - no real answers, but have been going through similar off and on with my now 5 year old, since he was 3 or 3.5. I posted this thread about it a year ago and got some really helpful messages and PMs. both my dad and father in law are dead and so that's prompted a lot of questions, and he has at times really struggled with the 'why does everyone have to die' thing (fair enough ...I still struggle with it!). I've avoided anything heaven-like as I just don't think it's helpful, personally. I tend to go with facts - people get ill or things happen, their body stops working. When he asks what happens to them I explain that people believe different things etc. His teacher told him recently about cremation and burial so we've talked about that. LIke I said, no real answers - I guess we just play it by ear depending on what aspect he is asking about.

http://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/forum/read.php?29,1029682,1029682#msg-1029682

[melbourne groover]

I found a book really helpful for this. Unfortunately the one I used was from NZ but am sure there are similar. I used this one, it was really sweet.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8067818-old-hu-hu

[bumpy]

I found this link really helpful when my son asked those sorts of questions at about the same age. Although both his grandfathers passed away before he was born we weren't having to deal with a specific death at the time he asked which made it easier to be neutral when answering his questions. Not sure how I'd have coped if I'd also had to deal with my own raw emotions!

http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-preschooler-about-death_65688.bc?page=2

Especially this part...

Give brief, simple answers. Young children can't handle too much information at once. At this age, it's most helpful to explain death in terms of physical functions that have ceased, rather than launching into a complicated discussion of a particular illness: "Now that Uncle John has died, his body has stopped working. He can't walk or run, or eat or sleep or see anymore, and he doesn't feel any pain."

[pebbles]

Both my father and mother in law died before the kids were born. I've always told them that Grandpa Paul and Granny Annie are in the stars as they had died. When they started to ask what dying was I told them that they had become really really ill (not the sort of ill that we get with coughs and colds and medicine) and it means that they could no longer live on this world. I believe in Heaven (my husband doesn't) which is why we said stars however my Son now says Heaven off his own back and we haven't corrected him.

I do find I have to be careful when talking about other people who are ill to make sure the kids don't think that anybody who is ill is going to die - if that makes sense.

My father is cremated however my MIL is buried and we often go to her grave. The kids know that her body is still under ground but that her heart and soul are up in the stars/heaven.

To be honest as it's just always been like this it's never been a big deal and they've never got upset about it or anything as it's just fact.

I hope it all goes well with the explanation.

[buggie]

Another book that might be useful is "The Paper Dolls" by Julia Donaldson

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/1447220145/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

It introduces the idea that things that are lost live on in your memories & I've found it useful to explain to my daughter that although my Dad died before I even met my husband, I can remember him & tell her all about him because of my memories.

I didn't know the story when I first read it to my daughter & ended up with her comforting me as I sobbed at the end of it (the first 3 times I read it!!). In my defence, I was heavily pregnant!

[pommie]

both my parents died before my eldest was born and whenever she asks about them I say that they are angels in the sky and they look down on her.

She always refers to them as her nanny and granddad angels!

[mima08]

I am glad I've come across this thread with all the suggestions as my 3yrs old has just started asking about my dad who passed away before I met my husband. We have pictures around and my son has known that the man with the beard was my dad but just the other day he wanted to know where my dad was and if he was going to come to his (my son's) birthday party.

I was a bit surprised and hadn't thought about what to say so I just said that, no, my dad could not come to the party and that he was really far away and could not visit. That was not a very good answer as I quickly realised as a lot of questions ensued about where exactly my dad was as we have family all around the world and my son is used to people being in different places but coming back or we will visit them...

We are not religious (my husband very much not) so I was at a loss on how to provide a better answer - will check out the other links here.

mx

[Pickle]

We go for walks in the cemetery near us quite often (the one near Underhill Rd), and I try to have very honest conversations with my kids, as well as answering their questions. They are fascinated by the grave stones and refer to the cemetery as "the angels" due to the fact there are lots of angel related headstones.

My brother died last year, and they talk about him a lot, but say he is "with the angels" which is very sweet. When we go to NZ at Easter we are placing his ashes under a small plaque in a cemetery, and the kids will be part of that. I have explained the difference between cremation and burial, so that they don't get too confused by the lack of body sized coffin (they weren't at the funeral).

My approach (not religious), is to be honest - in our situation, losing a 34 year old to suicide, it's quite hard to explain "why" when the answer isn't due to illness or old age.

[Saffron]

This was my post on a preveious thread ( http://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/forum/read.php?29,1029682,1030624#msg-1030624 )about talking to children about death:

I sometimes think it's one of the sad things about city living, that we can become removed from natural cycles such as life and death. My grandparents had a farm, so for my mother the idea of death was always a very matter of fact part of life. As a child, I was instilled with that, and also a Christian view of God in Heaven. Even from an early age, I found the matter of fact approach made more sense and I did not like the vague (as I saw it) ideas of God/Heaven.

Little Saff had a very literal introduction to the concept of death around age 2, when our large and much-loved sucker fish died. When I saw the fish dead in the tank, I was so upset that I phoned Mr Saff at work and blubbed down the line, "Suzy Suckerfish died!!!!" This sparked off a series interesting conversations about what happens when something dies and where it goes physically.

I took the literal approach, eg things that are dead don't eat or breath or move or feel etc. (If people tell her differently, I always try to offer gentle correction, eg dead people are not really sleeping.) I told her it's ok to feel sad, but that we can also be happy when we remember how beautiful Suzy Suckerfish was. We always concluded our conversations by me saying that Suzy Suckerfish "returned to the earth from whence she came" and that now she is once again part of everything. (Ashes to ashes, the only Christian bit that ever made any sense to me as a child.)

Mr Saff and I are not religious, so I try never to mix religion with life/death issues (possibly also because I found this confusing as a child). But we do talk about other people's religious beliefs. I try to be literal about this too. I tell her that different people believe things because they are comforted by those beliefs, but that no one really knows. I pitch her philosophical answers about faith and religion just slightly out of her depth and let her ponder them. She likes this.

BUT- There's an important distinction to make about children understanding the life-death cycle, vs children who are actively grieving. If we lost a close friend or family member, I think I would seek some additional advice about grief support/counselling for children. The understanding of death and the process of grieving are two distinct things, even though they are related.

In any event, no matter what I do, one day Little Saff will probably tell her own child that I gave her all kinds of "crazy" beliefs about death or religion. Sigh. As parents, we can only do what we can do. xx

Since I wrote this, one of our cats also died, young and quite suddenly. Like Pickle, I've taken the honest appraoch, because old age and illness isn't always the reason for death. But it's also important for children to understand that people will die when they're very old because we all die. My father-in-law died when Little Saff was 1 yo, and we've always spoken openly and honestly about it. This has worked for us, but of course everyone is different.

Life and death are all around us in nature. Maybe that's a place to start? Animals and plants in our parks and gardens live, grow, and die in tangible ways that children see and understand. xx

[midivydale]

I recently had a discussion at length about this with a friend of mine who is a children's therapist (not sure of the English term, she is based in Sweden.)

My father is really ill and I was conscious of how my own anxiety and grief would impact my toddler. My son is younger at nearly 2 but is getting increasingly aware and is very communicative. Her advice was to be honest and upfront with any question but to let the children take the lead. My son for example used to get really distressed if he sees me upset and I was worried about this. She advised not to say "Dont worry mummy is fine" when I clearly wasnt but just gently give him an explanation to my sadness such as "Mummyis sad because granddad is poorly, I miss him". Similarly, when someone dies she advised to use that word rather than gone to sleep or gone away as children then might fear about going to sleep or worry if you go away that you wont come back.

It was good advice which I have taken on board. Perhaps not helpful in this thread as my son is younger but just thought I'd share it.

[SE22mum]

some young children are more interested in death than others. for some a simple explanation along the lines of not being here anymore, we remember the person with love etc is fine and answers their curiosity. my littlest has been fine with that. but my eldest really wanted to ask questions and find out more. in that case, i think you need to let them do it as otherwise you are labelling death a topic no one talks about. yes, they might get upset and they might worry about dying (I think a lot of adults do as well), but better to let them talk. we did go down the heaven road but still had over 6 months of questions on how you die, souls (do lettuce have souls? was my favourite), what happens to the body etc. i think if you can talk about death in a calm way then they can feel reassured. if you try to always change the subject they get the message that it is a horrible thing and not to be discussed.

[Yak]

We had to explain death to our nearly 3 year old when my FIL died very suddenly before Christmas. We went with the approach of keeping it very factual and basic - i.e. Grandad has died, we can't see him any more, it is very sad but it is ok to be sad. He saw us very upset and there was no point hiding that we were fine when we weren't.

It is confusing, as his best friend also moved to Sweden at the same time, so he was double hit by 2 big losses in his life. We had to do lots of explaining that his BF was not dead, and that Grandad was not in Sweden, and that we could chat by computer to best friend but we could not talk to Grandad any more and that that was sad. But that we could still look at pictures of them together and talk about how much fun we had with him.

I think the point I took overall was not to expect too much understanding, and be prepared for toddler minds to be literal and take you at your words and to draw intereferences where there are none. And that being honest with your own emotions is fine.

[roic]

There was some useful advice in the problem page of the Guardian Family section on Sat. Deals more with someone having to explain how a grandparent has a terminal illness but also goes on to give advice on how to help a child understand death: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/07/should-young-son-see-grandad-terminal-illness

Midivydale you may find it useful.

The penny literally just dropped for my 4.5 year old over lunch just now. We knew the issue was coming as he has for the last year been charging around the house/park/pretty much anywhere, playing sword fighting/pirates etc with his friends, and using the word 'kill' (yes charming I know!). We recently told him why he mustn't say 'kill' to anyone and what it means, and that has triggered off more questions about not being alive and what death is. My son is v close to my Dad (77) and he pertinently asked if Grandad will die over lunch and I was honest but said people live on in memories and when we look at photos and share stories about them. When he was much younger I used to refer to heaven but now he is older and more inquisitive I have avoided the word heaven - he can decide whether to believe when he is older I guess. It is a really really hard topic to broach and I think responding in a way that is honest but not scaremongering is the most important thing (I've no idea how to get the balance right)

[jonbateson]

We had this issue last year when my son's great grandpa died. We are also not religious so I wanted to avoid the heaven and god thing (nothing against it at all, just not right for us) I found two books, we are all stardust and badger's parting gift, both were great starting points for discussing it and also helping my son to think of a way of remembering grandpa. I ordered both from rye books.

[Bonfire2010]

Thank you all very much for your replies and PMs - it's given me lots to think about and some very useful ideas and pointers.

[mollie]

Several titles of children's picture books have been useful to me both as a teacher and parent (having lost my sister when my children were young):

When Uncle Bob Died- Illustrated by Sarah Wimperis Althea Books

Badger's Parting Gifts- Susan Varley

Waterbugs and Dragonflies- Doris Strickney

Saying Goodbye-Ifeoma Onyefulu

Beginnings and Endings and Lifetimes Inbetween- Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

The Grandad Tree- Trish Cooke and Sharon Wilson

I was also very moved when I discovered Michael Rosen's "Sad Book" (illustrated by Quentin Blake), and thanked him for writing it when I met him in school during a book week. It is about his own grief at the loss of his son. A powerful book, not one to give to the children, but to help connect with what we as adults feel when we experience loss.

I agree with using straight-forward language when talking with young children about life and death, but am also aware that children only begin to understand about the permanence of death from around the age of 6, so this means you may be revisiting the whole question again and again, helping them to think things through and verbalise their feelings in age appropriate conversations. This is where a selection of books can come in handy as they understand things in new ways as they continue to grow up.

Peace to all of you who have lost people close to you.