Homophobic bulling in school, need some advice

[DenmotherSmith]

My son is in year 7 at a local secondary school, after a good start he has spent the last month coming home very upset, often in tears as he is constantly being called 'gay boy' or you're so gay' by several members of his class. I have spoken to the school and arranged a meeting with the deputy for this week, but have only told them so far that he is unhappy. My son is adamant that he does not want me to mention the 'gay' comments as he thinks any attempts to tackle it by the school with bring yet more attention to him as the source of the complaint. He just wants to move to a different school.

Perhaps he is being singled out because he is a rather 'pretty' feminine boy and very articulate. He is trying so hard, asked to have his hair cut to look more boyish!! but all to no avail (apparently new hair cut is also gay).

I think its the cohort for his year, I have an older child at the school who is very happy and had no such problems. I know the school will try their best, but son says after this even if the bullying stops he will never be able to be friends with them. He just really wants to move schools. His father thinks he should wait it out as they will soon be bored of giving him grief. Anyone had a similar experience? Any advice on what to say to school, should I tell them what is being said or not as son requests?

[bluesuperted]

I have no advice but I'm so sorry about this and I had hoped there would be less of this crap these days... Maybe I'm hopelessly naive. I think the school should be told - there was a big campaign (think Stonewall-related?) to eradicate the use of the word 'gay' as an insult in schools so they should have plans in place...

I'm sure wiser FRers with teens may have some ideas but just sending sympathy to your boy who sounds awesome!

[jennyh]

Has your son said whether there are any other boys being bullied in this way or is it just him? If others are also in the same boat then a certain level of anonymity could be achieved? It is truly awful to hear this happening, I was bullied repeatedly at primary schools and I had to move schools 4times, obviously by the end I was picked on because I was socially awkward following the previous school experiences. I really hope that you manage to resolve it. I guess if you are considering relocating schools then would it hurt to mention the gay comments, it is hard to bring your point to their attention without the full picture?

[simonethebeaver]

Your poor son. Despite his wishes I would definitely tell them, not least because they are obliged to keep records of any such incidents, so a picture can be formed of how the school is dealing with bullying. I would hope that the staff will be able to deal with it sensitively enough that it doesn't make things worse.

[sand12]

I am very sorry to hear your son is experiencing this and it must be heart wrenching to see him go through this so young. I am honestly shocked to learn of this happening to ones so young. I recently had a friend going through a similar thing with her son at a local school, and he is about the same age. In his case it was more ethnic/racial bullying. Sadly, she later found out not much was being done and another student in the same class was also targeted and threatened. This can have far reaching effects on your child, others and I hope you are able to get some help for him soon. It doesn't stop by itself and, usually, only gets worse as they get older. I found the following website helpful with some really practical advice for parents on their rights and how to approach the school and local authorities.

http://www.bullying.co.uk/advice-for-parents/

Hope this helps. I don't know if others have talked about this before on the forum, but maybe some other parents can offer some advice as well.

[EDmummy]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know he was looking forward to being at the same school as his brother. I would say you most definitely have to report this as I know that it is a reasonably common taunt, whether there is a wider bullying problem can only be identified and responded to by the school if they're aware there is a problem.

I'm not sure how realistic it would be for him to change schools because of the current over subscription at most local schools so maybe a way to deal with it is to get in touch with the school counsellor (they've got another name for this post but I can't remember it) who might be able to help him with strategies. My son, when occasionally taunted uses humour and the support of a close network of friends. It's not easy but my personal experience of being bullied as a child is that sticking at the same school and finding a way to deal with it (I can't say without tears as that would be unrealistic) has made me stronger. Of course it's just me personal perspective and I really hope you find a way through this. Very distressing for all of you.

[SE22mum]

I would have a meeting with his class teacher and the Head, and state specifically that your son is being bullied - not just that he is unhappy. Give names if you can. This will not be the first time (unfortunately) that the school has had to deal with this kind of issue and they should have enough experience to be sensitive to his concerns about not wanting further retaliation. For all you know, there might be some repeated complaints against one or two individual students that are enough to take serious action. Also, if the school has a record of your serious complaint, this may aid your case if he does decide to move schools. Of course your son doesn't want you to do this, but if you are really worried then you need to be proactive.

Take your child's wish for a new school seriously so he knows he is listened to. Do some research and start looking at options, so then even if it quietens down and your son stays, at least he feels as if there was an alternative.

You don't mention whether your son is actually gay or not. Like a previous poster said, it is a common taunt. If he is, then Stonewall could offer some support. They are doing a big schools programme at the moment, I think.

The most important thing is that your son feels he can turn to you for support.

I hope things get better.

[SE22mum]

Just to add the obvious observation that friendship bondings can be very complicated over the teenage years. Speaking as someone who never really got it right, maybe your son could do some activities outside school that build his confidence and enable him to develop a circle of friends outside school as well.

[womanofdulwich]

Sound advice there Se22 mum :)

[bornagain]

Your poor son. I think you have been given some sensible advice. Mumsnet can be helpful too - there is a discussion thread on bullying and you often get good advice and support.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bullying

I hope the school will deal with this sensitively. I find that thinking things through first so that you have a clear idea of what outcome you want before you approach the school means that you are in a better position to negotiate the best outcome for your son. You can then direct the school to what you/he wants.

I also find that an initial email often works as a starting point as you can take time to put the case carefully - and emphasise the need for discretion and sensitivity.

Also bear in mind that 'gay' in teen talk means naff or stupid (and is not specifically homophobic).

I hope you get it resolved soon.

ETA another advantage of starting with an email is that you have something in writing in case you need it at a later day (for eg if you think that the school is not dealing with it well)

[tiddles]

excellent advice born-again!

[DenmotherSmith]

Many thanks for all your messages and advice, I will send the deputy a more thorough email prior to our meeting tomorrow. EDMummy, you are right a close network of friends he could rely on is what he really needs, then I think the name calling would be easier to ignore but he says he has no friends at school. He does have a very good group of close friends in the sport club he goes to, so at least only in school he feels friendless. I am also finding the relentless 'mum I just want to go to another school' every night very hard, not only is an alternative place hard to come by but there are no guarantees it will be perfect, kids can be mean anywhere.

Bornagain I agree re teen talk but I think its the 'gay boy' jibe that makes it feel more of a personal taunt.

I do have faith in the school they are good with this kind of thing, it's a very caring place. Its just very hard to send your son off to school everyday looking utterly miserable.

[curlykaren]

is his older brother in a position to help him out? Temporarily provide the support network in school that your younger son needs?

[fl0wer]

Most of the good advice is already written above.

I think as well as making a verbal complaint to the school staff, it is crucial to follow this up with the same material in written letter form, including their replies [a bit like minutes of a meeting].

Keep this document within the school first - 1 copy should be given to the people you met, hopefully these were your son's form teacher, and the deputy head.

Keep one to use if in future things have not improved. I would suggest someone on the Parent Teacher Association next.

At this point in time whilst your son has an instinct not to escalate things at this school, but to leave altogether - and he isn't saying everything, I feel sure - you need to be on his side. There might be other reasons he wants a different place. Have you understood fully what his critique of the school means to him? Is it possible he is not thriving there because his creativity and personality cannot flourish in the things they're offering?

I mention this, because special needs can go unrecognised. Usually educators will pick up on dyslexia but there are plenty of hyper sensitive children who find ordinary big, noisy secondary schools intimidating....and the other kids might well label them "gay".

They will be OK in adulthood only if they are given the slightly more sheltered options of smaller classes, more creative arts, more skillful attention to learning methods, etc.to help them get through the exam hurdles and find careers which make the most of these sensitivities. Many become writers, musicians, and painters.

[Ondine]

I have teens who have been through various hassles, seen it go on in school etc. Based on that, my instinct would be to overrule him and talk to the school about the issue in his cohort and ask them to get onto it with protection of your boy at the heart of the approach. I've had a number of issues where I've asked for my own DDs to be protected in this way and head of year/tutor have been very good at it. In our case, I always go directly to head of year as they typically have a very good understanding of the characters and dynamics

FWIW my year 9 was just telling me yesterday how in her year group, the merest hint of homophopbia is entirely unacceptable and the kids all jump on it immediately whereas they were using gay as an insult not too long ago.

[CFM]

On bullying in the teenage years, homophobic or otherwise, you should see the It Gets Better campaign - a wonderful initiative. I don't know if the link works, but this video made for the campaign was particularly cheering:

[Carbonara]

Sorry to hear about this, poor boy, and it's no fun to think of your child feeling vulnerable.

The school need to tackle this ferociously and head on. They should have a bullying policy, maybe you can look at it on the website before you talk to them?

This is an unfashionable and often unpopular thing to say, but children can be coached in some techniques and the confidence to carry them out. Whether we like it or not, boys say things ot each other and behave with each other in ways that would not be allowed in civilised society, and that's when they are being nice to each other!

Search 'bullying support' - websites like KidPower have lots of good advice.

[Otta]

Poor lad, that must be shitty for him.

Definitely tell the school, they need to do some serious educating for a start.

Where is it happening, at school or after school? If it's at school, then the teachers could be aware and "stumble across it" which would allow them to take action without it being obvious you'd spoken to them.

Personally I would strongly recommend dealing with it rather than taking him out of the school. How many boys are doing the bullying? I can't imagine it's everyone, so it doesn't really matter if he is never friends with these kids, you can't be mates with everyone, school just doesn't work like that.

My old man would have told me to start a fight with the hardest kid in the playground and even if (when) I'd gotten beaten up, I'd earn respect. I suggest avoiding this particular course of action! (I never took his advise by the way)

[Lambethhcc]

Denmothersmith - I'm sorry to hear what you and your son are going through right now. Sadly you are not alone and I know of other children who are experiencing similar situations in some of the schools that I work with in Lambeth. The first thing to realise is that the school has a duty of care to look after your son, and that they can only do this if they know what is going on - so do tell them, and if you can, take the time to explain to your son why you have to be honest with the school about what is happening - it is the only way to start the process of stopping it from happening. The school should have anti-bullying procedures and policies in place (ask them for a copy), they should also have a member of staff who oversees the whole process (find out who this person is and ask them to talk things through with you). Have they done anything to prevent this form of bullying happening? if not, why not? If so - what have they done and how do they enforce/back it up? What we ill they do to ensure that the bullying stops? There are some really good organisations "Stonewall" "School's Out" "Inclusion for All" as well as anti-bullying groups and organisations (which you'll find on the internet). Contact your council and find out who is your "health Schools consultant/PSHE Providers Forum Chair", this person should also be able to give you some advice and guidance as well as helping advice and guide the school - sadly I don't have contacts for your area but your council should be able to provide them. Hope this helps. Mark Healey Lambeth Hate Crime Coordinator

[uncleglen]

The school needs to know what is going on in as much detail as possible and you need to be very assertive in dealing with this because in my experience as a teacher there are some teachers who will not tackle this in the classroom because they themselves are secretly 'anti-gay'. In my experience if the problem is not dealt with then it is usually the bullied children who suffer the most- mainly because they refuse to go to school. In one school I worked in, the bullied child wanted to move schools and the local authority asked the head what was being done about the bullying. The head convinced the local authority that he was dealing with the problem satisfactorily and the request for a transfer was refused and the consequences, unfortunately, were disastrous.

[indya]

Just wondered how this was dealt with eventually. Did the school act to stop the bullying? Were you and your son supported? I really hope so as the school has a duty to deal with bullying. All the best?m