Under-5 sibling fighting - would really appreciate some advice

[Lochie]

Hoping someone has some words of wisdom or experience of dealing with pretty severe sibling fighting in under 5s? I?m running out of solutions!

I have one son, 5 in September, easily bored, quite highly strung (immediate tears/whining if he even suspects he is not going to get something he wants). His sister is 2.5 years old, very laid back, very easy, not tantrummy, just wants to play with older brother but prone to over-reaction if brother even says something she doesn?t like.

The main problem is that my son makes it his main mission each day to tease and cajole his sister and I am at my wits end. It can be something as minor as calling her a boy (on purpose) over and over again, or taking her teddy away and dangling it too high from her so she can?t get it back, to actual physical teasing (pushing, punching, scratching.) A lot of the fighting goes on where I can?t see it, but I can hear it (e.g. if I?m in the kitchen, I can hear screaming and fighting from living room where they may be playing). Most of the time my immediate reaction is to reprimand my son as I know that he goads my daughter and he is the older one, but I also know she can be stubborn and not share.

They both go to nursery together (2 days a week) and are in the same room when there. Nursery say that my son is very protective and mainly looks after his sister. It is home that is the issue.

It sounds ridiculous and quite a minor problem but it is making me hate my days off work with the kids and I actually feel at the moment it is ruining our family life.

My main reactions to the fighting are shouting (not ideal), putting my son on the bottom of the stairs or in his room when I know he is in the wrong or taking a toy away. None of this seems to work or have any effect. I would say at least 50% of the day involves them fighting.

Anyone have any experience of this or solutions that actually work? Or is this just the way it is? (i'm posting here mainly because my friends with two siblings under 5 don't seem to have this issue though mainly they are same sex siblings so perhaps it is a boy/girl thing?)

[snowboarder]

I don't have any (good) solutions but I have two boys that fight ALL day long. With our two it is actually mostly the younger one (3.5) who thinks all the toys are rightfully his and goads his brother (5.5). I often feel it's like having 2 babies again as I can't leave the room for fear of war breaking out - older son usually ends up snapping and walloping younger one (which tbf I can understand!). I just distract, try and point them towards different activities, go out more as they fight less when we're out. Often they actually seem to enjoy bundling and tussling with each other - it's like a magnetic attraction - and like you say in some situations they do look after each other!

They fight in the car too which is stressful - I have been known to pull over and just silently sit and wait until they realise we're not going anywhere until they stop. I do bribe with and withhold treats variously as a carrot/punishment.

It is stressful but I think it is just the way it is with some siblings. I'm generally quite laid back and not very strict and I loathe constant shouting - my husband tends to yell at them and I think that makes it all worse!

[snowboarder]

Just to add - mine are a bit older so understand a bit more - but sometimes I start the day and say we're going to have a competition about not shouting and fighting today...obv this doesn't stop it but they respond quicker when I catch them at it - there's usually some chocolate waiting the best non fighter/shouter (I do sometimes award it to myself!).

[newtoedf]

Mine are similar ages and seem to go through phases, it seems like every time the younger one has a developmental spurt, the power balance shifts which causes a lot of tension but then things settle down again after a while. So no advice really but it probably will pass... I read this: http://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Nurtureshock.html?id=RuudSO90hqoC&redir_esc=y recently which was really interesting and it said that in most families kids will fight many times an hour! So at least you are not alone!

[cornelia]

Mine are a little younger, but have started to fight now and then. I recently read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish - it was pretty good (if you don't mind the US style of writing) and gave plenty of useful suggestions for how to defuse things....

[Tallulahdoesthehula]

My two are 3 and 4, they are either the best of friends or fighting!

Mainly it's my 3 year old actively winding up the 4 year old who takes so much and then retaliates! I end up telling them both off, one for being a wind up merchant and the other for lashing out (whilst I do secretly sympathise with her).

I'm hoping it's a phase..... So far my tactics dealing with it has been bribery, with limited success.

We award gold stars for good behaviour and red marks for bad... 10 gold stars are converted to a prize (their choice). Each red mark can only be removed by losing a star.....

[Lochie]

Thanks for the advice and sympathy its good to hear am not alone in the sibling wars!

I do think I am the 'shouty' parent and to be honest i'm sick of the sound of my own voice now - I think I need to find better ways to try and end the conflicts, like distraction, as you said snowboarder.

That book looks really useful thank you newtoedf and reward charts too.

My son is off to school in a few weeks so am hoping that major milestone will distract him from winding up his sister and perhaps even make him appreciate her more (I can dream!)

[snowboarder]

School is def good - if nothing else it limits the amount of time they spend together. My two are currently dressed as pirates and attacking each other with cutlasses. They've both been to their bedrooms once already after fighting over a lego batman. Have to get out of the house soon!

[Lochie]

haha - yes, am familiar with the effect cabin fever can have on likelihood of arguments arising! Good luck!

[Smiler]

Another recommendation for "siblings without rivalry"!

[treehugger]

If it helps, my two have 17 months between them and fought a lot when they were small and growing up. They are in their early 20s now, and although they have their moments, they are genuinely good friends and understand, support and respect each other. I found siblings without rivalry to be really useful and if you use the techniques it suggests, I do believe it allows siblings to understand the power of negotiating etc etc. These are skills, which if learned at home, will stand them in extremely good stead in the wider world outside. I am sure fighting with your sibling can be a good thing - as long as it is managed well within safe boundaries. Look on the bright side (which I know is very hard at the time).

[Lochie]

Thanks both. Defo going to buy that book.

Amusingly big brother frequently says how much he loves his sister and they are kind of best friends (bar the 50% waking hours that they are fighting!). They don't really fight in other people's company. Distraction is clearly key. I do think its mainly a boredom thing with my son and am very much looking forward to seeing if school makes a difference!

[vanthorne]

Would anyone have a copy of the book that is mentioned in this thread - 'siblings without rivalry' that I could buy or borrow? ...I think the long holiday cabin fever gave my two a serious case of sibling rivalry! Thanks ! Van on 07799582892.

[Medusa]

I don't have that one, but have another by the same authors called Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love. You're welcome to borrow that. I have one or two other books on the same theme.

Me, I have triplets whose relationships over the years have varied from the idyllic (up to age 10) to the fraught (currently, at 13). I'll try to come up with something vaguely useful to add later.

[SE22mum]

I feel for you. We have gone through phases of this and it is extremely frustrating and quite depressing.

In my experience, there is only limited or no success from actually tackling the issue once it has happened - at least until they are a bit older and you can talk it through a bit more. Far better to try and avoid and limit. For example making an effort to ensure each child gets some alone time with you each day - even if just 10 mins - where you are totally dedicated to them ie reading, playing a game. even if this means creative strategies like the the other one getting 10 minutes time to watch their own choice of telly. also as many play-dates or meet-ups with other families as possible to shake up the dynamic, or inviting over a friend for one so you spend time with the other one. Also making sure you do lots of fun things on your days with them and get out of the house as much as possible. If they are having a great time they are less likely to start bickering.

take heart - they will have phases when they fight less as well/