Potty training help needed

[AnyaJoeli]

Hello

My son is 3 and we're struggling with potty training. Lots of signs point to the fact that he's "not ready", he has never done a poo on the potty although he has wee-ed, and he seems to have no understanding of needing to go to the loo, struggles with taking down and pulling up his pants himself. When we have gone without nappies he just has accidents constantly, and he also sees about 3 times an hour and poos randomly with no pattern, up to 3 poos a day sometimes so it's going to be very hard work to get him to do it on the potty. I know this is possibly fairly normal but he also strongly rejects the idea of going to the potty to the point where he gets very very upset by it ("I'm not a big boy, pants don't make me happy"), so I can't just place him on the potty willingly periodically and hope it has a pavlovian effect of making him understand and associate the potty with going (which is what my friends who have already successfully potty trained are suggesting). I don't want to make it an issue and create problems or force him - although forcing him seems to be the only way to actually get him on there, but also we have 3 weeks until he starts nursery where they aren't happy with taking children still in nappies.

He just seems to be so strongly resisting the potty idea that I'm kind of at a loss. Has anyone had a similar experience and can offer any advice or tips? All the usual tips: reward charts, chocolate, presents, etc, don't seem to work with him. He seems to be very very intent on not being potty trained, and this may become a battle of wills, which I don't really want - all of my friends seem to have done it fairly easily, with mishaps obviously but without any fights about it or distress about the idea from the toddler. I have now decided to go cold turkey on the nappies (except at night) so as not to confuse him (we've had an aborted attempt at training and then decided as it was going badly and we were going on holiday to go back to pull ups), so to a certain extent he will have to get used to it, but I'm worrying that we don't actually have enough clothes available for all the accidents he's going to have and the idea of going out and having a normal active day with the way he is about it is causing me stress.

Argh. Please help?!

[Fuschia]

The nursery can't refuse to change him, you know

[Peachpie]

Hi,

I really struggled potty training my son and he didn't get pooing until four and half. It was an awful process for both of us as I started too early and I kept going rather than having a break. He then developed a habit of retaining his poos as he so didn't want to use the potty which was a really hard habit to break and caused him lots of constipation problems.

My advice to you would be to leave it as your son clearly seems not to be ready and is unhappy about the process. I would go back to nappies and wait until it can be a happier experience. It is my understanding that the nursery cannot insist he is potty trained and you should explain that you have tried everything but he is not ready. Certainly the lovely staff at my son's nursery did not have children themselves and thought that potty training can just but taught. I am sure some children can but definitely not all!

I came across a really good website but I can't remember it but it is well documented that boys take longer and are not physically ready.

One thing is for certain he will definitely be potty trained at some point but there is no point having a horrible time on the way. Talk about it loads with him so he knows what the deal is when he is ready. Don't worry about it as you will just upset yourself. Go with the flow and it will all happen but it may still take a while yet. My daughter potty trained and slept through the night at 2.5 my son is just about sleeping through most nights at nearly 6!

Good luck and keep positive :)

[Ole]

Hi, how about getting a few picture books from the library about learning to use the potty? I read the one about the little princess and the potty to my son (I can't remember the name and I don't have it any more) and it seemed to interest him. I'm sure the staff at the library will be able to suggest picture books on the subject that you can read to him and see if that makes him more interested?

[Pickle]

I would skip the potty stage - will he use a toilet? Make sure he has plenty of opportunity to see you and your partner going to the loo (parenting, it's glamorous isn't it!)

Start by getting into the habit of taking him to the toilet every time you change his happy, and at key times during the day (before meals, before bath, before bed). A couple of weeks of doing this with my daughter really helped her to understand. She's been out of nappies for about 5 weeks now and we haven't looked back.

Don't stress about it (easier said than done), and don't pressure him. It will happen eventually.

[Peachpie]

The website is http://www.eric.org.uk/Parents/potty_training . The problem my son had was that he understood what was expected of him but was not physically mature enough to recognise the signs. But for sure you will have a happy ending.. eventually!

[AnyaJoeli]

Thanks...yes I've got potty books, have used toilet, or am trying to rather, at regular times. Am using all the regular tips. Just wondered if anyone had experienced anything beyond the norm of refusing to make the change from nappies. He's really distressed about the idea and nothing seems to be working... Am sure at some stage it'll be fine and he won't still be in nappies at 5, but it's hard to imagine right now.

[AnyaJoeli]

He understands what the toilet and potty are for, and regardless of whether I might want him to or not has always barged in on me on the loo and usually asks me if I'm doing a poo. He just seems very emotionally attached to nappies. Or doesn't want the inconvenience of stopping playing to go to the toilet/potty. Ugh.

[Pickle]

I would just stop for a few months. Don't make a big deal about it, just use nappies/pull-ups and don't mention potties or toilets. You may find that when he starts nursery he will become more aware of what the other kids are doing, and start to show an interest.

Good luck. It will happen eventually, but they really are all different.

[Pickle]

Your comment about inconvenience made me smile - my 7.5 year old said today (when half way through watching a DVD) that he wished he could wear nappies so that he didn't have to pause the movie and get up. Boys...

[AnyaJoeli]

Thanks peachpie really helpful I'll take a look at the website. Maybe it's just not the right time and I should leave it for a month or two. It's just he's the only one of his friends who's still in nappies so i'm feeling quite self conscious about it, stupidly. And yes the nursery can't refuse I guess...it's not a private nursery it's a state one he's starting for his free hours and they gave me the impression it wasn't ideal as most children are out of nappies by the time they start at 3. Again I'm possibly just being self conscious about it...

[oimissus]

well, they're wrong about that, quite a number of children are still in nappies at 3. I would leave it for a couple of months and try again then.

[AnyaJoeli]

Thanks everyone! Must have crossed posts.

Useful to have other peoples opinions and advice!

[Convex]

Mine will definitely still be in nappies at 3. He just isn't interested! I expect he will get more interested once he restarts nursery... As he responds well to positive peer pressure.

A break sounds good.

[crystal7]

My son is 3 in October and I can't see him ever being out of nappies! He had no interest in using the potty or toilet and will just poo and wee in pants and not even tell us. He won't even talk about it most of the time! I suspect he is ready physically but just doesn't want to, why would he when nappies are so convenient?! My daughter was potty trained at just over 2 without any fuss, she really enjoyed wearing pants and being a big girl! I'm going to try again in a few months. As others have said I would go back to nappies for a while, no point getting stressed. And nursery cannot refuse to change him! Good luck!

[shaunag]

I really don't think it is something that can be rushed. They can also develop very painful constipation if they are only in nappies at night (holding their poo and then the gut stops recognising the need to go making it very difficult to go when they decide to). Like food, I think it's a control thing for them as well. If he thinks you are indifferent he might be less intimidated by it (not worrying about things going wrong and disappointing you so much). I didn't push it at all with my daughter. She came home from nursery one day and said 'I'm not a baby I'm a big girl' and refused to wear nappies. I forced her to wear a nappy at night (because I didn't want to deal with wet beds in the night) for about 3 more weeks until we went away and there was a spare bed. I left her nappy off and she stayed dry. She had a handful of accidents but that was it. She was just under 2.5 (and I had just bought a mega pack of nappies and pull ups from amazon!). He will get there but like others have said peer pressure does wonders (I think my daughter got some baby comments that spurred her on to stop with nappies). I imagine my son will be a different story though!

[Belle]

Even potty trained kids have accidents at nursery and that has to be dealt with, so really it's pretty meaningless them saying they have to be potty trained.

Like you and others posting here, my son is nearly 3 (in a month's time, gulp!) and completely disinterested in potty training. Totally different to his big brother who we trained relatively easily at exactly this age. He 'got' it quickly and was happy to sit on the potty for ages etc. My younger son just refuses and says he wants to wee in the bath (nice). I feel it could become a battle of wills so we have already given up one attempt to train and I'm not going to mention it for a while, and basically let it come from him. I know it's easier said than done but try not to compare, there are so many of us out there with kids who are going to train a bit later, it's really not a big deal - really no different to how they all walk/talk/sleep through at different ages to each other. I'd be inclined to have a month where nobody mentions it, and encourage other carers/family members to follow suit (I'm having to point this out to my mum/mum in law who are very keen to put my son on the toilet at every opportunity). Confusingly, my son keeps saying he needs the toilet (literally mimicking his brother) - but it really doesn't betray the slightest intent as when we follow it through he gets very upset, and refuses to sit on the toilet.

[minder]

Anya, it seems at 3 and your son has never used a potty, I would go down the pants/using a normal toilet seat route, and also getting him to pull his pants and down by himself.

Most nurseries (and childminders) work according to the EYFS which states that at 16-26 months a child is clearly communicating that they have a soiled nappy. This is great but then the proper stuff comes in.

At 30-50 months children can toilet themselves.

Using pull-ups is confusing as I find they're just like a nappy really.

[Convex]

Belle the comment about seeing in the bath... In the book I'm reading they use the bath as a pre training thing, eg getting him to wee in the bath, into a cup, etc.

It's 'potty training boys' by Simone cave and Caroline fertleman.

I'm planning. To follow it at some point when my son shows more of an interest.

[AnyaJoeli]

Hmm, he's been weeing in the bath ritually practically his whole life. And minder, he has used the potty, and we have a loo seat too. The point is more that he's resistant to it. His two playmates at his childminder are younger than him and already potty trained, he's more than aware of this he just doesn't want to himself. He says "I'm still little" and seems sad about the idea of being a "big boy" and out of nappies. So it's an emotional resistance rather than any lack of knowledge or understanding of what potties are for.

I think it'll be a long journey...I had been worried about what the nursery had said but now I'm just thinking I should relax about it a bit and wait until he seems more emotionally happy with the concept. I'm expecting number 2 in January so had wanted potty training to be resolved by then as that's bound to throw up even more fun issues. But I guess parenting is if nothing else a lesson in the fact that you can't always plan things. So, thanks for your advice everyone!

[LVWT]

Really randomly, do you think it could be connected to new baby? Has there been a lot of talk about becoming a big brother??

[AnyaJoeli]

Yeah, that's not random at all, I had wondered too as there has been a lot of talk of being a big boy and he's very adamant that he's still little. Today he said to me "I'll use the potty next time when I'm ready"...so I think he's very aware of what he's doing and I just need to be careful it doesn't turn into a "thing", especially not connected to speeding up his growing up where baby is concerned...

[RoLo1]

Bribery worked here, but yes a chocolate button or gold coin and lots of whooping and high-5s for sitting on the loo and then anything produced. Also would phone grandparents and daddy and talk-up all the activity. Gradually ditched the incentives. I felt the bribes were great for maintaining interest, we had a little resistance byt it made it all very positivr.

[AnyaJoeli]

Yeah I really thought that would work with him, and purchased industrial amounts of chocolate buttons. It must have taken an iron will for him not to be swayed by chocolate buttons/thomas toys/various other bribes. The force is strong with this one...

[shaunag]

AnyaJoeli my daughter regressed in lots of ways when her baby bro arrived, and still chances her arm frequently (wanting to be dressed, fed, carried, baby talk, Molly coddled generally). Possibly a very perceptive little boy wanting to hold mummies attention for as long as possible. They are such monkeys..