feeling wobbly about how different my life is now..

[hellosailor]

edited post because from the huge amount of very very kind and touching PMs , I'm a bit worried that I have made people concerned in a way I didn't anticipate which I didn't mean to do...! Will reply to more today, thank you forum, you are as ever full of wisdom, warmth and a wonderful support.

I think I perhaps should have more accurately said something along the lines of ' given that I apparently have everything I want, I don't know why I'm not happier - because I don't feel unhappy, I'm not wandering round in a fug of misery - though I can quite see why referring to often feeling a bit blank and detached rang alarm bells for so many of you - I just have a feeling of 'what next' post baby, which I didn't expect and sometimes feels quite overwhelming, and all your posts and replies have helped me clarify that I don't think I have the mum / rest of life balance quite right yet, whether that be that I should be going back to work part time now same is a toddler, pursuing more independent interests etc..so thank you, will think on it, work through the lovely PMs, and think about all your experiences and suggestions

xx

[beababies]

Have PMed you xx

[BeccaL]

Poor you, that sounds like a lot going on in your head. I'm not a doctor but wonder if you're suffering from depression? Worth discussing with your GP? Also are you sure staying at home is the right decision for you, rather than what you think is right for your daughter? If your identity is partly tied up with your career that might explain some of the feelings...

[espelli]

Have PM'd you x

[sophiechristophy]

also pm'd

[Goodliz]

Don't beat yourself up.

I would imagine most people go through this type of thing. I know for sure that I have times when I feel down and think i should have travelled and made more of my life - whilst at the same time feeling very guilty because I know many, many people would give anything to have what I have i.e. kids, husband, lovely friends.

My gut feelings when I read your post were:

mid life crisis - I have no idea how old you are but perhaps you are at that point that I feel I am at - not young anymore but then not old either.

grass is greener - perhaps if you had pursued the things you mentioned above you would now be pining to have what you actually do have now.

Sorry if I am not making sense but I imagine you are not alone with these thoughts. It is hard beause it is not the type of thing you can readily talk about I guess for fear of sounding ungrateful.

I also agree with what BeccaL says about the work. I don't know you but perhaps you are partly missing the life you used to have and now everything revolves around your little one you feel you have lost the 'you part of you'. Crikey I really am sounding crazy now!

Sorry also if I am trivialising. If you feel serious about this and it really is getting you very down go and get some professional help - someone who is trained to talk properly about these things.

Good luck and don't feel bad about these thoughts.

[Belle]

agree work may be a big factor. i have had moments of feeling like this, and if I'd had a career i loved (I had stopped enjoying it pre kids) I think going back would have sorted me out. Also, is there anything aside from work you are keen to do or try out? even if it's some new form of exercise? I sometimes feel like there's nothing outside family/kids/home for me, and think it would be a good thing to have a passion or interest that is unrelated.

Also - I'm not sure what age your little one is but personally I have only found parenthood consistently rewarding in the last six months or so since my son turned 3. I know it's different for everyone but I find the exchanges we have now and the very ostensible way he is developing and communicating much more fulfilling than those early leaps and bounds in the first year or two. So hang in there...

[hellosailor]

gosh thanks for all your replies and all the lovely pms, will reply tomorrow!

So much of what people have said really resonates, it helps to know that so many of you have felt like this at some time, and your responses have actually helped clarify my somewhat foggy feelings..I think perhaps it is all a question of balance, that the wobbly feelings I've been having recently aren't because there is an actual 'problem' but because I'm not really pausing to make any time for me any more, which leads to feeling a bit lost, even though always busy, it's probably a good idea to do more things that remind me of who I am outside family life!

If I actually stop and think about it, I feel a lot less 'lost' now than I probably did before having a family, it's just easy to forget that. If my situation were different and I was still responsibility free and able to drop everything and change tack, travel, pursue new things, then I know I would be pining for a more settled, secure life, I know that because I did yearn for it before I had it!!

I guess that is a little contrary but it helps to be reminded!

In many ways this is the happiest period of my life yet, in fact I have never been so happy as when I'm just hanging out with my partner and our daughter, I think I just need to make sure that there is time to do stuff that is about me and my interests too..lots of very good suggestions in your messages, will go through them properly tomorrow, thank you all

xx

[hellosailor]

edited OP to say..

edited post because from the huge amount of very very kind and touching PMs , I'm a bit worried that I have made people concerned in a way I didn't anticipate which I didn't mean to do...! Will reply to more today, thank you forum, you are as ever full of wisdom, warmth and a wonderful support.

I think I perhaps should have more accurately said something along the lines of ' given that I apparently have everything I want, I don't know why I'm not happier - because I don't feel unhappy, I'm not wandering round in a fug of misery - though I can quite see why referring to often feeling a bit blank and detached rang alarm bells for so many of you - I just have a feeling of 'what next' post baby, which I didn't expect and sometimes feels quite overwhelming, and all your posts and replies have helped me clarify that I don't think I have the mum / rest of life balance quite right yet, whether that be that I should be going back to work part time now same is a toddler, pursuing more independent interests etc..so thank you, will think on it, work through the lovely PMs, and think about all your experiences and suggestions

xx

[esme]

Try reading 'I don't know how she does it' and the 'Playground Mafia' - hilarious and will definitely perk you up - or read 'Born to Succeed' if you need a pep up and are considering returning to work. Maybe see a career advisor to help sort thoughts out re career? Take good care, we all feel those same feelings now n then - it's very HARD being a modern mum xxx

[Saila]

I have noticed that a number of ppl have said how down they're feeling at the moment.

I wonder if the rainy, drab weather is contributing to it all. Normally we'd be out having picnics on Saturdays this time of year.... but instead we're inside waiting for the weather to eventually turn.

just read this shocking story about post natal depression - not related to OP sorry - heartbreaking though

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-18021450

[womanofdulwich]

I second I dont know how she does it by Alison Pearson. Every mother and father should read it.

[pilsbury]

Just wanted to add that I feel v much the same. My beautiful little girl is nearly one now and in some ways I couldn't be happier, but in other ways I just feel a little lost, not sure what I'm going to do with my life in the long run (work won't accept me back part time so I have quit), keep thinking about all these things I should have done when I was footloose and fancy free (climb to base camp, go to more music festivals etcetc)

It is crazy how much your work defines you, even if you don't love your job that much... I also think with myself that although I'm obviously crazy busy running round after a toddler, in other ways I have much more time on my hands to sit and stew and worry about stuff, whereas if I was at work I'd be too busy trying to hit a deadline...

Anyway, rambling slightly, and I wish I had some great advice to give but I honestly don't! Just wanted to tell you that you're definitely not the only ne that feels like this, as sometimes just knowing that can make you feel better :)

Xxxx

[Saffron]

Saila Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I have noticed that a number of ppl have said how

> down they're feeling at the moment.

>

> I wonder if the rainy, drab weather is

> contributing to it all. Normally we'd be out

> having picnics on Saturdays this time of year....

> but instead we're inside waiting for the weather

> to eventually turn.

Yes, the weather is awful. We're definitely finding it harder to get out and about at the moment, and it does get me down too.

>

> just read this shocking story about post natal

> depression - not related to OP sorry -

> heartbreaking though

>

> http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-180214

> 50

I'd make an educated guess the woman in this article, having been arrested on suspicion of infantacide, was more likely suffereing from postpartum psychosis than postpartum depression, or that the family had other problems. It's very sad.

Postpartum depression is not necessarily a precursor to postpartum psychosis; however, I think the percieved links between the two (and the association with mental disability in general) may cause many women not to seek adequate treatment when postpartum depression first arises. Postpartum depression itself can range from mild but lingering feelings of being down to a profound sense of mental and physical depression. Postpartum depression can also sometimes manifest almost entirely as physical symptoms in women who otherwise feel ok in their mental states.

Hellosailor, you're quite right to say that you can "...see why referring to often feeling a bit blank and detached rang alarm bells for so many of you." Many of your expressions from the post are classic statements from women with postpartum depression.

So, thank you for coming back to clarify that you're ok. I think from your recent post you're saying that you're well in yourself, but seeking direction? Just to say that I've definitely struggled with this too. I'm imminently returning (I hope!!) to a career a million metaphorical miles away from caring for a toddler. It prompts some serious self-doubt!

If you're not averse to alternative therapies, I'd suggest a short course of acupuncture to be very helpful for achieving relaxation which is essential to clarity of mind. Acupuncture can help you to reduce stress and refocus your thoughts. Giles Davies on Barry Road is excellent for acupucture. He's also a very good sounding board, being a family man himself. It's not a magic bullet, but it helps.

(And if you do find any magic bullets, can you let us all know!! :) )

[gillandjoe]

For the last 6 weeks I have been walking around hour after hour in this grey and rainy weather with my large and heavy baby in his ergo carrier because he refuses to nap indoors. I feel so depressed, frumpy and soggy!!

I totally agreee that the weather is a factor in how we feel and we have not had any cheerful weather for several weeks now. It is very hard to feel like the attractive, outgoing, adventurous and creative mums that we all want to feel like in this weather. I have my fingers crossed that when the sun starts shining things will look up a bit!

I also wanted to mention that when I am missing my old life - I try and remember the amount of times I was bored and uncomfortable at social gatherings and frustrated at work and think that actually, the grass over that side isn't greener at all!

Hope you are feeling better soon x

[Polly D]

How about signing up for a course, something you do entirely for yourself. Whether it's creative, or something which could lead to a new direction for work. Will make you feel liberated I bet.

[reren]

I sometimes think there is such a cult of childhood these days - where we are supposed to see children as the centre of our lives - that it may be leaving women feeling unnecessarily guilty that they don't love every moment of taking care of children. Obviously there are some people for whom this isn't true - but I certainly find that after an hour or two of pushing a car around on the floor or lifting my toddler on and off a slide - I am getting pretty bored! I try and remember that it doesnt mean i dont love him enough! Helps me to think women even a generation ago wouldn't have been nearly as child focused as we are - think the 70s were certainly more laisez fair (- or maybe it was just my parents!!) And before that we would have been so busy trying to cope without washing machines and other labour saving devices- we wouldn't have had nearly as much time to focus all day every day on them.

I say take a morning off once a week if at all financially possible - do something for you - or if thats not an option get your husband to have an evening at home and do an evening course in something you've always wanted to do.

Also - Taking care of small children is definitely harder work than being at work - make sure your husband understands that and gives you some time off on the weekend.

I wonder too whether mums who stay at home feel they can't complain because they are grateful to their husbands for making it possible - but then feel the deal is : 'you work' 'I'm at home w kids'. Even if they could afford to they feel they can't put the baby in nursery for a morning a week and have time to themselves because it's not part of the deal. I am back at work and tho don't absolutely love my job I do enjoy being in work and having a bit of a break from toddlering. I didn't even realise how much I missed the work banter and I was surprised at how much more 'me' I felt when I went back.

It's a culture shock having a baby - Give yourself a break and don't feel guilty about it.

[Saila]

well said reren

i'm just exiting morning sickness stage of being pregnant

it's been so much harder the second time around - i've been sooo much sicker and much more tired - waking up to go to the loo etc

however, work is DEFINITELY a break. i can sit at my desk with my head in my hands while the sickness passes.

i'm finding the sat/sund days with my son absolutely exhausting and frankly unbearable.

hats off to anyone who looks after a toddler fulltime, especially when pregnant!

[mcgowankim]

What a lovely thread! It is SO refreshing to see mums being honest about the reality of looking after little ones. I am a stay at home mum of 19month old and even though for one reason or another I haven't worked full time for nearly 3 years, I still miss it.

All I would say - like some of the others - definately make sure you get time EVRY week to do things for yourself. I am lucky w/ my partner (although I book in my time in advance to make sure I do it too) but will always do something. Meet with non-child rearing friend, cool knitting group every other tues at the mag, drop in yoga class, meeting other local mums for wine!

It is hard though. I feel really guilty when I am at home "playing" but have to remind myself that it part of bringing up kids.

Also, there is a stay at home mum group on here most tues morning.

[supergolden88]

Not only do all (most?) mums feel that way sometimes - men/dads do as well. I think communicating these feelings with your partner/husband if you have one is very important. As long as both parties don't wobble at the same time generally you get out of phases like these ok. Confiding in friends/family/the forum also helps!

I have had a few attacks of the wobbles myself generally when I was alone at home with baby. Hope you are feeling less wobbly hellosailor xx