What is a good age gap between No 1 and 2?

[Fi from West Dulwich]

Would love to know what people think works in terms of age gap between babies. Master O is 18 months but thinks he is still a newborn judging by his propensity to breastfeed, cuddle, and suckle himself to oblivion most nights - none of which I mind, but it does rather put the brakes on being ready for number 2. Quite like the thought of a 3 year gap, to get him fully mobile sans buggy, and at preschool, not to mention give my poor old breasts some hope of respite between the two. Do people find this works, or do they have any other thoughts? Must admit feel a little bereft when I hear that NCT friends etc are starting on No 2 already, when O still seems so much my baby. Also, quite honestly, he is delightful but EXHAUSTING (said with feeling after yet another ambulance ride to King's this afternoon, after consumption of inappropriate substance; this time dried plaster bonding coat left over from decorators), and I don't want to be the grumpy mother of 2 who is more harrassed than happy - saw my sister go through that and I don't think she or the children had a great time for the first 6 months to be honest. I am one of 3, with 2 years between us all, which was great fun, but I look back now and wonder, How On Earth Did My Mother Cope?

[The Nappy Lady]

Hi Fi,

I don't think there is a right or wrong, all age gaps come with pros and cons. We wanted to have two close together but Mother Nature in her wisdom had other ideas and I ended up with a 4.25 year age gap between my girls. I have to say though that in the end I've found it to be a really good age gap for the following reasons;

1) Most of my Mummy friends from having my first baby had a 2 year age gap between children and then had a very hard year or two with a newborn and toddler

2) Whilst that was going on, despite some unhappy moments due to lack of baby 2 I was having a lovely time with DD1, swanning around and doing stuff that I wouldn't have dreamt of attempting with her plus a bump or tiny baby. I remember some of my friends being quite envious of our girly days out, going to places like the Princes Diana Memorial Playground etc.

3) When I did finally have a full term pregnancy again DD1 was at nursery 5 mornings a week, and generally good about walking, getting herself in and out of the car on her own etc. all a big help when you've got a bump to cope with.

4) Above also applied when baby arrived, and also 3 months after DD2 was born DD1 started full time school so I had all day at home with baby rather like being a first time Mum all over again but without all the scary bits! Got to sleep when baby did in the day too which helped a lot. Actually, it was fab! It also meant as DD2 got older I've been able to go to baby groups etc. with her without my older daughter getting bored.

5) I guess the biggest thing was that at 4 and 5 years old my eldest was old enough to discuss her feelings, understand a little more about a new baby arriving, and how this effects the family dynamics. I'm not saying it was a walk in the park at all times, but it was an awful lot easier than it would have been when she was 2.

6) Now with an almost 2 and a 6 year old, my 'big girl' is so good with her little sister (who dotes on her), and also helps in ways like encouraging her to eat up at meal time, use the potty etc. Simply because she wants to do everything her big sister does (and big sister understands I appreciate good behaviour being copied more than bad behaviour)!!

I'm sure though that others will be able to list just as many reasons why a 1, 2, 3 or whatever age gap is perfect. So much depends on your family dynamic, and what your child/ren are like. Whatever the gap is I think you adjust and in the end it hopefully feels right for you, which is how it should be.

Also, not meaning to put a downer on it all, but the hardest lesson I had to learn is never to set your heart on a certain gap because you never know what curve balls nature is going to throw you. Whenever I look at photos of my DD1's 1st birthday a little bit of me is reminded that I was 6 weeks pregnant at that moment....it wasn't meant to be, but if it had been then I'm sure I'd have been on here telling you how great 21/22 month age gap can be.

Based on my experiences I'd say if you're over 35 don't hang about too long before trying for another, if you're in your 20's take your time and enjoy your lovely boy!

[redjam]

My very unscientific view on this is that the closer the age gap, the better/more fun it is for the children growing up, but the harder it is on the mother in the early years (though this then gets easier as they grow up as the kids can amuse each other). My husband and I both have big gaps between our siblings and ourselves, and consequently have never been very close to them, so we chose to have kids fairly close together so they'd have more chance of being 'friends'. But we took the decision knowing that it would be harder work in the short term, with a baby and young toddler. So far, though, it's paid off and now (age 5 and 3) my girls really do get along brilliantly.

Having said all that I can certainly see all the advantages if we'd gone the other route that Molly mentions above. Pros and cons either way, as ever...

[Trish]

This is a great thread - thanks for starting. Thanks especially to molly for your outline of the pros of having a 4 yr age gap. I too have a 4 yr old and I'm 32 weeks pregnant with number two. I'm really looking forward to spending one on one time with my baby while my big girl is at school. And as you say, the fact the eldest one is so independent now will undoubtedly be a huge help.

I'd also agree with molly that you just can't plan these things and even if no. 1 appeared with no problems at all, don't assume no. 2 will necessarily do the same. It can be an emotional uphill struggle to get there.

[snowboarder]

Given that baby no. 2 is due early next year (eek) I am hoping a 23 month gap is just perfect in every way....

[charlottep]

Gina Ford (dare i mention her name) in her contented toddler book says that the toughest age gap is between 18 months to 2 years. i have to say (sorry snowboarder (and congratulations!)) that i agree! i have a 2 year old and a 4 month old - 23 months between them and it's quite a logistical challenge (involving the full range of slings, buggies, double buggies, car seats, etc), as well as an emotional one - i am exahusted by the end of each day! My two year old, is not yet compliant enough to make things easier. Although he's a great walker and has been for many months, he refuses to walk in any direction that i need him to, he won't get into his car seat by himself without a lot of persuasion, he won't get himself dressed (although he's able to) and he's still in nappies. He's also not overly fond of independent play and seeks my attention constantly - he is only two afterall. He gets upset that his needs can't be consistently met in the same efficient way that they used to be. He definitely felt the impact of the change and this has made his behaviour more erratic (poor little chap), which of course makes things tougher too. My baby, on the other hand, doesn't get nearly the same amount of attention that my toddler did when he was a baby and I sometimes feel enormously guilty that she's spent so long in her chair, whilst i've been negotiating another challenging meal time with her big brother. Having said that, she's very contented and slept through from 13 weeks (my son took 7 months), which i'm sure is partly due to the fact that i'm not in her face so much (if you get what i mean).

Everything that Molly has listed as a benefit in having a slightly longer age gap, i think is spot on. The reverse is definitely my list of cons to having a shorter age gap.

However, although i know i'm sounding negative (sorry!) i am CONVINCED it will pay off big time as they grow up and have high hopes that they will be the best of friends. Also, i think i would rather have 3 or 4 solid years of hard slog in one go - i can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. So on the whole, i know it's going to be worth it and i tell myself that each evening over a large glass of wine to calm my nerves!

Personally, I think the ideal gap would be somewhere from 2.5 years, but i'm sure others will tell me that this isn't necessrily the case.

[candj]

Just echoing what everyone else said, I think there are pros and cons of all age gaps - if children are further apart the older ones can be more helpful and understanding, but just when one is starting to be more independent you have a newborn or if children are close together it's more difficult in the beginning for the parents.

My two are 2 1/2 years apart which is lovely as my oldest has started to pay attention to her younger sister and they NOW play together and have some sort of interaction (even if it's fighting 50% of the time). Currently expecting No.3 in January which means the age gap will be 3 1/2 years from my youngest and I'm sure it will be completely different as now both girls are in school so hopefully not a lot of jealousy will ensue as they will be busy with their schedules. Also my eldest daughter is already planning things for the baby and deciding on what names she likes whilst my 3 year old is not really sure what to make of it!

[Pickle]

Definitely pros and cons no matter what the age gap is. In my case we have a small gap of just under 17 months, however our intended gap was 2 to 3 years. As my son wasn't walking when my baby arrived (he didn't walk until he was 21 months) in some ways it was like having twins - two sets of nappies, two children needing carried everywhere etc. That said, I didn't find it too bad - for me the hardest period was the six months or so when the baby was 6 months old and needing more than just milk and my son was launching himself into the terrible twos (which admittedly weren't too bad, but still a challenge with a baby demanding attention too).

These days I love the fact I have 2 so close together, they spend the best part of the day playing games together and are best friends. Even when they go to creche a couple of mornings a week they spend a lot of time playing with each other. We can do activities that both children enjoy, they like the same books etc.

I'm from a family with large gaps (10 years from oldest to youngest - I have a brother 4 years younger and a sister 10 years younger), completely planned in that my Mum had time to spend with each of us in our baby months while others were at school which is lovely to be able to do. However she had the benefit of having me when she was 23, so had the luxury of time. I do remember vividly people's reaction to her being pregnant with #3, lots of raised eyebrows and comments about how tough it would be given her age (33!).

[Fi from West Dulwich]

Good points from everyone, thank you. Also occurred to me last night that one very good reason for waiting a while is that O is likely to beat up a new baby, quite literally. He would either smother it in great bear hug or, equally likely but much less appealing, bash it in the face. Another point that is also worth considering is the size of your child - sounds silly but O is seriously heavy, and I simply couldn't manhandle him plus baby, and why should he not have cuddles/carries for as long as he wants or needs? I think another one any time after he is 3 would be a complete blessing; quite right to warn me not to schedule he or she's arrival to avoid disappointment!

[The Nappy Lady]

Others posts have reminded me' that we did find it hard going 'back'' to the toddler stage having moved on so much (the baby bit was fine) but going back to stairgates & cupboard locks etc felt hard. However it seemed to pass much faster because DD2 was so keen to catch up.

Re playing together I haven't found the bigger gap an issue at all but baby toys gather dust whilst DD2 plays Barbies, dolls, hide & seek & Lego with her big sister!

[millsa]

It was 3 years and 4 months between me and my younger brother and we have never been close enough to be 'mates' - he always looked up at his 'big clever sister' (probably something I kept telling him and he just believed in evenrything I said), and I admit I used to take advantage of him a lot. I was the one chosing games to play, books to read, in games we played I always played 'the best' characters and he was usually my servant - and it sounds like I was a massive bully, but he loved it and never said anything because he was 'a small brother'. I dont think it would have happened if the gap had been smaller.

I wanted 2-2.5 gap between my children and will have 2 years 2 months. I know the first few months will be hard but I thought that if I wait for another year, and have even more independent son, I will never decide to go back into nappies and sleep deprivation again.

[alieh]

I've been waiting for someone to say that 26.5 months is the perfect age gap and I will have no problems whatsoever when number 2 arrives next March. Still waiting!

I think if I definitely only wanted 2 children, I would have aimed for closer to a 3 year gap, but I am getting on in years and would really like 3 kids, so decided we needed to press on (and also know only too well that best laid plans re: timing of babies don't work in the face of Mother Nature).

My sister and I have a 4 year gap and we are very close now, but were at very different stages when we were younger - especially once I was 8-ish and she was 4 - and I think my younger sister found it hard because I was always "too cool" or too busy to play with her.

[GinaG3]

Am I mad for thinking a good age gap is about 18 months (not the birth of the baby but conceiving)?. I'd do it at the drop of a hat now my daughter is 19 months old but partner has other ideas. First anymore kids was a no go for him, he wants daughter to have our undivided attention, but I cant stand the thought of her being an only child. He is one of 2, I am one of 5. We are both still very young and have all the time in the world, he has turned around and said in 10 years maybe, but this is a no go for me. I want to have my children now and then when they all start school I can get back into a job and rise up the ranks without having a gap to have more children. I have been so broody for the last 13 months, I have a lot more love to give. He think more children means favoritism but I think more children means my remaining love can be spread equally between 3 (my ideal number of children). Oh what to do when you have to take in fathers considerations too. Hard work I say..

[trinity]

GinaG3 Wrote:

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First anymore kids was a no go for him, he

> wants daughter to have our undivided attention,

> but I cant stand the thought of her being an only

> child. He is one of 2, I am one of 5.

He think more

> children means favoritism but I think more

> children means my remaining love can be spread

> equally between 3 (my ideal number of children).

Children in bigger families do get less time from their parents but they don't get any less love. Your time is finite but your love isn't. (I'm one of 5 kids, as is my husband, we have 4 and couldn't imagine our family with only one child.)

[The Nappy Lady]

Love is magic, it just expands to encompass more children - I've heard others doubt whether they could love another child as much, but they always do of course.

I'm so glad we've had a second as I feel it has 'knocked a few edges' of our daughter. Overall I'd say better to grow up with siblings around if at all possible for so many reasons.

[Ruth_Baldock]

I always thought 2-3 years was perfect. I'm 8 years older than my sister, and we're not close. She's 2 years older than our littlest brother, and they're thick as thieves. Me and Husband are TTC at the moment, with the aim of the age gap between Baby Baldock and Baby Baldock 2 being 18months-24 months.

[Mellors]

Somebody once told me (when I was expecting No 2 and worried about sharing the love) that its not that you have to split the love you have between your children, but that each one is born with its very owm package of love. So true (and very comforting to hear at the time!

There are 19 months between my two (No 1 was almost exactly a year old when I conceived No 2). It was very hard when they were little. As Pickle said, 2 year tantrums + newly mobile/weaning baby = horrid. Now they are a bit older (2 and nearly 4) they love each other to bits and play nicely together.

There's 4 years between me and my sister (I am older) and there was no way I'd play with her when we were little - when I was 15 and "cool" she was a baby (in my eyes!).

I think about 3 years is perfect, but as everyone has said, you don't always get it your own way, and there are also other issues (for me being older and possible wanting a third).

Whatever you get/choose, I am sure you will be happy with it. All babies, no matter when they decide to come along are marvellous :))

[The Nappy Lady]

snowboarder Wrote:

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> Given that baby no. 2 is due early next year (eek)

> I am hoping a 23 month gap is just perfect in

> every way....

Huge sigh of relief and mops brow that I no longer have to worry about letting the cat out of the bag ;-)

Official congrats from me - and to Alieh too.

[sillywoman]

There were 18 months between my number 1 and number 2 and it was definitely the best gap (though unplanned). It's true I disappeared for the first year after number 2 was born (I was a slave to their joint nap times - my bits of sanity), but after that it was brilliant. It was like having twins in many ways and they are still very close now and entertain each other brilliantly - though at 13 & 14 they'd rather have their fingernails pulled out than admit it - how 'uncool' They've always got someone to go on the big rollercoaster with, or watch the scary movies I won't watch.

My other gaps were 2 1/2 years and 3 1/2 years. Personally the last and biggest gap was a killer and not something I'd ever wish to repeat for all the reasons Molly mentions, having to go back to nappies and night waking and all that - what a nightmare! even now I find it frustrating, and I think number 4 does too. Poor little soul is constantly running to keep up with his older siblings. Nope, a smaller gap was definitely the better one for me (and them too).

[gwod]

I have a 2 year gap between my first two, then a 4.5 year gap before the 3rd, and then a 15 month gap before the youngest arrived (yikes!!) and I really feel that the benefits and shortfalls of the different length gaps have sort of evened out. Of course there's hard bits when you have 2 little ones, but there are also difficulties in meeting the needs of children with a broader age gap. I agree with Molly, dont get too hung up on when the children arrive - but if you know you want them, get on with it because not only can it get trickier to conceive, pregnancy and children get more tiring as you get older!!!

Having said that, the 15 month gap between my youngest two arose as I felt I was getting older and it may take more time so we didnt hang around - Mother nature's got quite a sense of humour hasn't she!

There's never been any shortage of love to go around, and as people have pointed out, its an ever expanding thing, and of course they have the love of their siblings as well as the love from us.

Many congratulations to Snowboarder and Alieh, you will of course find that your gap...and of course your baby, is just the perfect one.

[The Nappy Lady]

Good point about tiredness gwod - I really noticed the difference between being pregnant/having a baby at 35, and doing it again at 39, almost 40. I was waaaay too tired to celebrate my 40th and got really fed up with people asking me what I was going to do - SLEEP was all I wanted at that point!

Plus, DD1 slept through the night at 10 weeks old pretty consistently, where as DD2 only just now, at 23 months goes 7.30pm to 7am....in that respect it has been the hardest 2 years of my life (though I know others have had it a LOT worse).