Advice :(

[Pinky82]

Any advice?

[Gidget]

Give him the elbow. How could you be with someone you just said you have no trust in?

[Voyageur]

Dump him. No further advice needed.

[Jeremy]

I used to know somebody who was a compulsive liar. It didn't make them a bad person, I considered it to be a disorder of sorts. But of course, that's totally different to being in a relationship with someone.

You need to talk about it with him, he obviously has a behavioural problem (maybe - but not necessarily - psychiatric illness) which needs rectifying one way or another. If he loves you and understands how you feel, he'll agree that he needs to change. Otherwise... see the above comments.

[Otta]

What Jeremy said!

It's clearly not "normal" behaviour, and it is something that he should be seeking help about.

It's very easy to say "give him the elbow", which of course would be the easy way out, and no one could blame you for taking that route, but the people saying this don't know the bloke or have feelings for him, and when you love someone it's not so easy to just "give them the elbow".

That said, I don't think it would be advisable to move in with him in this state. I'd suggest you sit down with him, discuss your concerns, ask him to do something about it, and go with him to see someone (otherwise how do you know he's been). If you are feeling this way at this stage, it will take a while for you to trust him fully, and I wouldn't recommend moving in with someone on that basis.

[Huguenot]

Moving in with someone entails sharing legal responsibility for your accommodation and what may take place there!

What now may be just a minor behavioural tic can be a major issue if bailiffs rock up at your door...

I think you have to develop a greater sense of trust before you make that kind of commitment.

[Alan Medic]

What Jeremy said. He may be ill.

[DJKillaQueen]

You have to think about your own happiness. Very few people could find happiness with someone who lies to them. It is also his problem to address (whatever the underlying reasons may be) not yours. Sadly it may take him losing something he values before he addresses the problem.

Having said all that though, it's very easy for people outside of your lives to tell you to dump him. You've been dating for eight years, which is a long time, and suggests that there are other aspects of the relationship that must work very well.

My personal view is that it depends on what the lies are, and why he tells them. Someone lying because they have low self esteem and don't want to disappoint is different from someone lying to deliberately cheat, mislead, gain advantange over, or hurt someone. The former is something also often learned as a defence mechanism (against bullying usually or to gain attention) during early childhood. But treatment like CBT, over time, can often change that. If your partner is one of these cases, it means he needs to relearn how to not feel the automated need to lie.

Ultimately only you can decide what is right for you. There are plenty of other people out there who don't lie of course. My advice would be that, if your partner is willing to seek some help to try and change, then it might be worth you going on that journey with him and supporting him through it. If he is unwilling to change, then you have to decide if that is a flaw in someone that you can accept for potentially the rest of your life.

[PaulK]

My girlfriends previous partner had this 'issue' himself. In my opinion he was the kind of person who said things to make himself sound and appear better than what he actually was. In his case, it wasnt compulsive, it was habitual lying. Unfortuntely for him but fortunately for her, she is intuitive and she picked up on this early on. However, he had always accused her of being untrusting within the relationship, it was as if he sensed she knew. You need to know why he is lying .

It could stem from his insecurities but could you broach the subject with him?

[Gidget]

Do you 'confront' him after you have checked up on what he has said to you and found out it is not true? Can you give an example of things he says? It sounds an unpleasant way to live. Entwining finances with someone who lies is not a good idea at all. You will regret it. Do you feel sorry for him for some reason?

[PaulK]

Re, attempting to communicate your concerns. If he is a liar he is going to lie and deny lying to you. Start pulling him up on every half truth, fib and outright porky. Dont let one pass you by.

[Pinky82]

Thank you for all your replies.

[Sue]

Pinky82 Wrote:

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> My feelings are that I have no trust in him at

> all, therefore there is no need to carry on the

> relationship,

xxxxxxx

Is there any reason why you are not trusting your own feelings in this?

I have had dealings with liars - luckily in a different context - and, like you, it got to the point where I started checking out what they were saying, and finding clear evidence that it wasn't true.

Yes there are obviously psychological reasons why he is doing this, an illness if you like to label it as that, but if after so long with him he is still doing it, then I do wonder why you want to stay with him given your gut feelings.

Sometimes we can be deeply in love with somebody but a relationship with them just isn't going to work.

ETA: And turning things around to make any issues your fault rather than his is also classic.

[*Bob*]

Sue Wrote:

> I have had dealings with liars - luckily in a

> different context

Tin hats on people - we're going back in for more.

[Sue]

*Bob* Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Sue Wrote:

>

> > I have had dealings with liars - luckily in a

> > different context

>

>

> Tin hats on people - we're going back in for more.

xxxxxx

No we're not.

[womanofdulwich]

Might it be that when he is lying it is to give you the answer you want to hear,and that he he too scared( or something like that) to tell you what you don't want to hear?

Similar to me saying to a teenager:

"Will you get pick up the dry cleaning?"

His reply " of course "

I get home say " did you get dry cleaning?"

he says " no, it was closed early today" ( no idea what the truth is - but its easier for him to say that than accept any responsabilty for not getting it.

[PaulK]

That is far too complicated woman

[Gidget]

Sush? Him turning it back on you is very evasive. Arguing? I love it when 'men' usually say that. it's when you are just asking questions and they don't want to answer because they have something to hide. What do you mean by he is a strong man? Physically or emotionally? His family needn't know if he seeks help. Why might you feel sorry for him?

Pinky82 Wrote:

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> Thank you for all your replies.

>

> I have confronted him a few times and he turns it

> around that if I wasn't checking up on him we

> wouldn't be arguing - and he hates arguing! I

> really have to sush about it and then it goes

> round & round in my head. He is a strong man and

> comes from a close knit family so asking for any

> kind of medical help would be like he had failed,

> so that wouldn't happen. Do I feel sorry for him?

> now there's a question I've never thought

> about.....Possibly I do??

[the-e-dealer]

My ASD Son has a bit of a lying habit. It can be funny, Charming or Irritating. It can also get you or him IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. Tread very carefuly.

[Fabricio the Guido]

Well, you are probably not going to change his behaviour, so in terms of your response, the issue is how does it make you feel? What is driving your need to get to the truth? You have been with him for a while, what coping mechanisms have you employed? Do they work? Has he got insight into his condition? Can you trust him to act on any sights, if you helped him to see the impact of his behaviour on you?

People have tried to be helpful by suggesting whether these are harmful lies or lies on inconsequential matters. People are different, he may be dealing with unresolved issues, why he has not been able to express or access. This does not mean that he can suddenly change the behaviour over night.

If you need that reassurance maybe he is not the right person for you. But I see also a sort of cycle, where he knows you will try and catch him out any way but he is impulsive and attempts to evade you and you are drawn in to try and catch him out anyway.

Is he malicious? What sort of 'harm' does his actions have on you?

I can only think of more and more question. People lie all the time, but we take them on trust because we need to, it appear you are in some kind of cycle of behaviour and you need to understand your own role in it as much as his role. Maybe he's paranoid ?

[KidKruger]

He may have an impression of a an image/world he's trying to present and his lies support that need.

Either way, you could try couple therapy, stepping away eventually to leave him to his own 1-2-1 therapy/support to manage-out the lying.

You need to trust a partner, you can't currently, so you should resolve it satisfactorily if you're to continue together.

The fact that you're being told it's your fault the arguments occur is effectively saying that he should be able to continue saying what he wants, unchallenged, even if it's obvious drivel - not a runner.

[Gidget]

Does he drink a lot or take drugs?

[Pinky82]

...

[DJKillaQueen]

If he's not prepared to acknowledge he has a problem, and turns the blame on you when you challenge that, then I think the answer for you is to move on. It's only worth helping someone if they are prepared to accept the help. Relationships are always a difficult one because of the additional ties and emotions involved. They can run very deep making walking away just as hard as staying. It sounds as though the belief system he's created for himself is reinforced by the family he has around him and you are never going to change that. I wish you luck though Pinky and hope that you come to the decision that works best for you x

[Otta]

Pinky82 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

He is a strong man and comes from a close knit family so asking for any

> kind of medical help would be like he had failed, so that wouldn't happen. Do I feel sorry for him?

> now there's a question I've never thought about.....Possibly I do??

Could you chat with someone in his close knit family?

Pinky82 Wrote:

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> There is no way in a million years he would even

> admit that he tells all these lies let alone get

> any help or therapy.

If you are sure of this, then maybe you do need to cut your losses. In fact, starting this thread may have been your (subconscious) way of sowing the seed in your own head / justifying the decision.