Stranger anxiety?

[Karla - Klear My Space]

Hi

Hope all you mummies had a lovely Mother's Day. Looking for some advice regarding our 8.5months old daughter who we think may be suffering from stranger anxiety although people keep asking if she's ok and it's really starting to upset me.

In summary when we go out to playgroups etc she's fine around other babies but if a mum tries to hold her she looks at me and starts crying. Worst is when she goes to grandparent's and they are yet to hold and cuddle her (well, they did until she recognised mummy). She won't even stay with her dad when we're out. If I go to the toilet for eg she just cries until I return. She's generally a very hapy baby and like most cries if I don't attend to basic needs on time (meals, naps etc).

Has anyone experienced this and if so did your LO outgrow it which is what the health visitor said. I guess it's because I'm her primary carer and it's just hubby and I.

Hoping I'm not alone ie there are some suggestions :)

[bluesuperted]

Hi there, this sounds like classic separation anxiety which is totally normal and actually a sign of a very securely attached baby, so actually a cause for celebration! It's to do with realising that you are a separate entity and can leave - but that you can also come back! My son was like this (briefly, at about 9 months) and outgrew it, with occasional brief returns - again totally normal behaviour and makes sense they would have moments of wanting only their most trusted person to comfort/be with them. My daughter started with the same at about 10 months and still has moments/days like this now at 12m especially if ill/teeth/growth spurt - again I know it is a normal and good part of her development, first babies learn dependence and (often much) later comes increasing independence. All babies are different of course and my daughter is very confident but not as confident with separation as her older brother, eg she wanders away from me but her circle of exploration is smaller than her brother's was (I was constantly chasing after him and still am at 3.5!!

Hope this helps and reassures a bit!

[muffins78]

I've randomly seen this and am not best placed to answer it, as not a mum yet - but apparently I was like that as a child. Mum said she'd give me something to mind for her, that was belonging to her and smelled of her (if it was for a longer period), so that I'd know that she had to come back for it. I do remember as a small child been given her dressing gown or something, if she was going on a proper holiday for instance. So perhaps, if your little one is old enough to notice what is yours, you could keep something on you or with you that she'd recognise, and hand it to her whilst you pop to the ladies, and ask her to mind it for you - she may be too young though, so sorry if this isn't of use to you :(

[Pickle]

Yes, this is very common, and all three of my babies went through this phase from about 8/9 months for about 6 months. It can be a nuisance, but also means your baby loves and trusts you over all others, so you've done a great job :)

[Saffron]

muffins78 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I've randomly seen this and am not best placed to

> answer it, as not a mum yet - but apparently I was

> like that as a child. Mum said she'd give me

> something to mind for her, that was belonging to

> her and smelled of her (if it was for a longer

> period), so that I'd know that she had to come

> back for it. I do remember as a small child been

> given her dressing gown or something, if she was

> going on a proper holiday for instance. So

> perhaps, if your little one is old enough to

> notice what is yours, you could keep something on

> you or with you that she'd recognise, and hand it

> to her whilst you pop to the ladies, and ask her

> to mind it for you - she may be too young though,

> so sorry if this isn't of use to you :(

I started leaving my scarf with my daughter from a very young age, if I was going out (admittedly not often when she was small). I also would drape her buggy with it. It's not just the look or feel but the smell too. You can use lightweight silk or cotton ones in the summer. My daughter is 4, and she still goes through phases of wanting to have my scarf when I leave for work. Separation anxiety is something most babies and children will have off/on. The best response is the one that makes them feel most secure. Security eventually leads to independence. xx

[cashewnut]

My daughter went through something very similar from about 7 months old. For several months she wouldn't let me put her down - even for a couple of minutes to make a cup of tea - without major howls of protest. She would often scream if I walked out of the room leaving her with her dad. Strangely though she was quite adventurous when things were on her own terms - I can remember going to playgroups where she'd wander off to the other side of the room to explore, but when I left her with another mum (that she knew well) for a minute to go to the toilet she screamed her head off the whole way through. She would NEVER let me hand her to an adult that she didn't know.

It was extremely draining and made that stage of babyhood much harder than it would have been otherwise. I did improve a lot when she go to about age 1 though. She can still be quite clingy sometimes and it makes childcare a bit more complicated, but as others have said it helps to think of it as a sign of attachment and part of social development. It also helps to have one or two other adults that she can become attached to if that's possible (eg family members or friends that you see regularly). She'll probably still protest if you leave her but at least you'll know she's OK when you're not there.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[EDlittlemoo]

We went through this when my son was about 7-8 months old, he wouldn't even allow his dad to hold him. I think this was because I was with him 24/7 when on maternity leave. It was an exhausting period, but if it makes you feel any better this extremity only lasted 1.5/2 months....now my son is two and a half and I would be lucky to have him sit still on my lap for more the 30secs....

[Karla - Klear My Space]

Thanks for your supportive comments, everyone. Much appreciated. Yes most times I relish the moments but understandably sometimes it's exhausting :-)

Like cashewnut said, when we go to playgroups or where there are other babies she just bum shuffles off (!!!) and does her own thing and comes back when she's ready.

The joys of parenthood x

[GinaG3]

In my experience, I would say its your usual separation anxiety too. Your child knows how you feel, smell and look and its a big security to some babies and children to have this consistently. My daughter was immensely attached to me, I absolutely loved it but it was very tiring not being able to do anything without feeling like I was upsetting her. She constantly wanted skin to skin, breastfeeding and comforting at the breast as if in newborn stage for 2 years, bath times together, being able to see me all the time, sleeping with me. It was very draining but progressively things got much better.

She is now 5 and attends school full time. She loves chatting to people on the bus etc but can be a bit shy sometimes too. She is happy with her teachers (calls them best friends) but getting her in to the classroom in the morning can be a bit tricky. We've done great for the last 2 weeks with no tears or guilt of leaving her. She still has to get to sleep with me next to her in her own bed, and will then come in to our bedroom at around 1-2am (I've never done anything about this as such, it doesn't bother me much and I actually love the security too). She wont stay out overnight with grandparents but will do day time visits so I can go to appointments etc and does a day out with them on her own every weekend.

We have always been extremely close and I've always practiced attachment with her, whilst also trying to show her how to be independent. Gradually moving away from her during play times, distracting her, helping her to do things by herself ie eating with cutlery. This all really changed from about 12-18 months old, when she really discovered that she could be near me but not dependant on me. When she started talking it was also a massive change as she began to understand and compromise on things.

It will get better. Good luck xxxx

[Grotty]

Both of mine went through this as have the kids of many friends. It seems to be a totally normal milestone and nothing to worry about. Its not fun but is likely to pass soon xx

[RoLo1]

My daughter was 3 months old when she first started this, definitely made it harder for grandparents and friends to bond with her, it did make life tricky. She is now 3 and hasn't changed that much. I haven't gone back to work so we are barely apart, so the next challenge will be starting pre-school, she is rejecting the idea completely at the moment! Hopefully your little one will ease up on the anxiety sooner, I think most kids do, it's really down to circumstances in our case!