Should 12yr olds be left to manage their own screen time?

[Cora]

On the proviso that no screens go into the bedroom....

What are people's thoughts or anyone know what the research says?

We are having big screen time battles and it has been suggested we hand responsibility over to our son to manage his own time on the understanding that he must also get his homework done and turn the computer off at a certain time.

If so what is appropriate time to have it turned off by and what parental control apps have people used that restrict use to between certain hours....

Can children manage this or will it just result in addiction?

(At present we are very strict to 1-1.5hr day on games)

Any advice welcome :)

[flocker spotter]

Conversely, I believe restriction leads to addition - and there have been several studies which show how depriving a child of something makes it more desirable. So I am not surprised you are having battles.

We may be very liberal, but our 12 year old uses both a laptop and her phone in her room and we are not concerned. She understands IT safety, mainly spends her time snap-chatting and face-timing friends or learning teen stuff from youtubers (as I did with Jackie magazine). She has also paid for her own Netflix account - because we would not pay for it. She signed up with her own money so that she could follow the same TV series that all her friends talk about. At this age, more than anything, they want to fit in.

I think you need to listen to your son and re-evaluate your fears. After all, at what age would you consider giving your child the responsibility/freedom to manage his own free-time? You have to start somewhere!

[Jules-and-Boo]

Not all 12 YO are alike so you have to apply sense, rather than expecting self-management - you'll each have different expectations so would clash if you don't discuss it.

We're quite flexible. We all need downtime, but when phones/ tablets become the only activity of choice then there's a misbalance. Same with TV. It's nice to 'Netflix', but when it becomes an addictive box set it becomes a problem.

I insist we go out everyday, even to the shops. Can be quite hard to get them detached from devices but it's always good. We were climbing trees last week after school and at the adventure playground in Peckham Rye.

Sometimes we're just too tired so we just do what we want.... I don't mind mine up in the rooms but not all the time.

I've taught the kids backgammon and chess, so we also play that and other board games.

Try new things.

We also do exercise at home - wii fit - things I've found online (if I get excited about something, they're more inclined to get involved), hoola hooping, making cakes.... all sorts they huff and puff about initially, but then enjoy. I also put kids films, like The Lion King or Scooby Doo on in the background, which we've watched millions of times - and it always brings them back out of the device-obsession ;-)

If screen time is stopping you talking and doing things together, then it's too much.

But when they do go on the devices, I leave them to it and let them chill. Catching up with their friends is important.

Exercise is of course good for children's resilience and mental health - as is trying new things. So don't let it become the only thing they do to relax.

[crescent]

It's a hard one isn't it? We've had similar battles with our 13 yr old DS since he was nearly 12 (past couple years). He is much better this year (y8) than last year.

He is much more screen obsessed than his younger sisters, who are much better at self-regulating. If we let him, he would be on the xbox for 3-4 hours, before coming off to watch something on you tube on the computer, before possibly watching something on the telly. We've talked about how addictive gaming is, the effect of gaming (and screen time) on brain development/ good sleep patterns, and about how we have tried to let him self regulate and as he does not, we have to step in. So we have a rule of no more than 2 hours a day, and vaguely unlimited at the weekend, and then spend much of our weekend trying to think of wizard wheezes to keep him off the screens. (He does play rugby/ cricket in corresponding seasons.)

Having a set time means we don't argue about the time. He is not very good at remembering the 2 hours, so I did buy a timer, and that has helped too - the timer reminds him, rather than me 'nagging'.

I take Flocker Spotter's point about giving them the responsibility to manage their time. But we tried that with DS and he'd spend 12 hours if he could. I am trying not to be controlling, but trying to 'scaffold' my 13 year old learning self-discipline/ time management, and we do try and talk about it with him in those terms. A friend with 3 boys says age 12-14 were the worst for the screen obsession, so I am slightly holding on to that, and murmuring "this too shall pass" to myself.

[Cora]

Thanks everyone, including the pm's for taking the time to give your experience/knowledge....really helpful...taking it all in.... :)