The Pearly Gates.

[computedshorty]

I went to a Funeral.

The Pearly Gates.

The phone rang, not so nimble on my feet I hobbled to the phone in the hallway, ? Hello just a minute I must sit down ? .

The woman on the other end was talking as if I was still there listening I picked up the phone again.

?The funeral is on Tuesday 24th at 3 O/C Brenchley Gardens Crem. I hope you can make it. Bye must dash to let others know ? .

The wife said ?Who was it ?? ? Don't know she said he died ? ? Who ?? ? Don?t know she did not say ?

? How are we going to send flowers then? ? ? We had better go it must be one of your old friends ?

We got to the Crematorium early, I looked among the mourners to see if I could recognize anybody, No not a sole most were old well past their sell by date.

Then just the Hearse pulled up, the driver was alone, no following cars, we were outside waiting, we went inside but where should we sit on the family side or the side for friends?

I leaned forward and spoke to the woman in the front pew, ? Do you know how he died? ?

? Yes he worked at the Firework factory, apparently he was smoking and dropped the cigarette end on the floor to crush out, but it caused sparks that exploded the whole factory, he was blown to bits ?

I have attended many funerals with the cardboard Coffin, but was taken aback when the Driver alone picked up the Coffin and put it on his back bending forward as he walked into the Chapel, it then struck me that not a great weight could be inside the

coffin as he had been blown to pieces, how much did they find?

The driver passed by the pew I was sitting at the near end, as he passed he gave a jerk to bring the Coffin higher up on his back,

A medal that was placed on the top fell off at my feet, I bent down to pick it up but he had continued to walk on.

It was a Medal for National Service not an official one, just one that you can buy to show that you were there at that time.

The driver having deposited the coffin in place came back past me, I whispered that his medal had fallen off, he took it and put it in his pocket saying ? my back hurts I am going to sit in the Hearse ? .

The normal service was given by a Ley Preacher, two hymns, a member of the congregation said a little bit about the deceased,

Mostly about his love of animals, the horses he had a good win on when backing, or the dogs that he watched through the glass windows of the Bar in the Greyhound Stadium.

We came out of the Chapel a woman came up to us and said ? Please come back for a drink ? I said OK, so we followed the other cars, it was to a back street pub in Chatham that had seen better days while frequented by the sailors of the town.

We were shown into the Public Bar, where a table had a few things for us to have ( an opened bottle of Lucosade and a dozen half pint bottles of stout ", the woman announced ? if you want tea or coffee there?s a Vending Machine over there ?

The woman also said ? If you want anything to eat cut the loaf yourself as it will be fresh, there is plenty of Margarine and Dripping.

My intention now must be to find out ? Who?s Funeral had we been to? ?

The woman came up again and asked who we were, I said ? Shorty ? ? Oh he never mentioned you ?

? How did you hear he had died? ? ? I was phoned up by a woman ?

? What is your phone number, I have the list of numbers here, what?s your number? ?

? I said that number is the same as ours except for one number, you must have written it down wrong ?

I took the half eaten slice of dripping from my wife?s hand and put it on the Bar, at the earliest opportunity we crept away.

When we got home the neighbour said ? Had a nice day ?? ? No I said just been to a funeral ?

? Was it a relative or friend ? ?

I said ? You got me there I don't know ?

[KalamityKel]

Should've read the list outside the door innit ;-)