New puppy and nervous 4 yr old. Advice?

[oopsithinkthatwasme]

Hello

I'd love some advice or ideas from forumites.

On Thursday last week we got a new puppy in our home. He's 11 weeks old and a whippet. He grew up in a house with a 1 and 3 year old child and he's very comfortable with children and gentle with them. I have a 1 and a 4 year old, and on day 1 everything went well. Kids and dog snuggled up on sofa and my 4 year old son was overwhelmed with love for 'his dog'.

(The puppy was always allowed on the sofa in his previous home, so although it's not perfect for us, it's pretty much the only thing wrong).

My 4 year old Nico has always been quite scared of dogs, even though he's stayed with lots at his granny's house. No reason for this as he's not had bad experience. Anyway, as days have gone by the puppy has got more and more confident and bouncy! We've alrwady stopped him jumping up at the children and he's brilliantly easy to train so far. However, my older boy has got more and more nervous and now jumps, squeaks and runs away every time the puppy approaches.

I am sure the puppy is beginning to sense this, and I don't want this situation to escalate.

I tried some quiet time this morning with puppy and boy. I protected Nico by letting him sit on my knee and we approached the puppy who was sleepy and I helped Nico to touch different bits of him and talk about how the puppy feels, etc. Nico was quite tense in my arms, but he did go along with it.

Is this the best approach? Does anyone have any tips? I'd love some advice as this is my first dog. (it's also quite a sensitive dog and dislikes shouting - something Nico tried this morning to get the puppy out of his way).

Many thanks

Kate

[cazbee]

Hi Kate. Congratulations on the new addition to your family! I have had whippets since I was a child and have two now as well as a two year old boy. They are the most wonderful dogs with children, incredibly tolerant and gentle.

I think your son is adjusting to the new member of the family and will overcome his anxiety with time. It is very early days and suddenly having a live animal in the house must be quite a change for him. It could also be that the puppy is taking up lots of your attention, and he may feel that it is taking attention away from him.

I have the opposite problem in my house in that one of my dogs is still a little nervous of the rambuncious toddler. But if I were in your situation I would try making your son feel really important by involving him in the puppy's training or daily routine, like having a special time each day where he helps with the dog's training and gives him a treat. Or making it his special job to clip on the lead when you go for a walk, that sort of thing. Or you could try and foster a relationship between the two by having a special ball or toy that only they play games with together. And this may sound silly but I would keep telling him that the puppy loves him very much.

Another thing you could try is inviting one of his friends over (who is hopefully not scared of dogs!) and if his friend is keen and enthusiastic your son might follow suit. There is nothing like a bit of peer pressure sometimes.

Good luck! I'm sure before too long the first day sofa snuggles you experienced will be the norm. xx

[sillywoman]

I don't know how helpful this will be to you, but thought I'd share it in case it's useful. Years ago now I lived with a family who had a 4 year old who was scared of dogs. They got a labrador puppy and pretty quickly his fear was gone. I've been trying to recall how they approached the first few days with puppy in the home, and what I clearly remember is that the puppy was - for the first week or so - confined to a specific area of the house. For them it was the kitchen (with a lot of newspaper!), then the puppy was allowed into the kitchen/diner and the hall. Then gradually the whole house. This meant that the little boy was able to get used to the puppy on his own terms, and still had his own space to retreat to when it all got too much. Also the puppy was not over-faced with too much new stimulation in the early days of being away from it's MUm & in a new environment. Of course they went to become best friends. That little boy is now a young man with a dog of his own:)

[first mate]

You need to slowly get your son to be comfortable around the pup and to go at his own pace. The best way of doing this is to actually keep them separated other than when you can totally control and supervise. This also helps protect the pup who will pick up on your son's anxiety.

I would strongly recommend a puppy pen, which means your son and the puppy have the opportunity to slowly get used to each other. If you would prefer to have one room where only puppy goes then use a baby gate. When pup has some free play- which he obviously will need- then do this in a room spearate from your son. However, you can and should involve your son in any puppy training, like the early stages of lead training and so on, in that he can watch at a distance and the puppy will be focussed on yout the trainer and not your son. Don't let the pup jump on your son. If you take the pressure off your son will have the time and distance to acclimatise and with luck will get to the stage that he actively wants to be involved. I wouldn't make a big deal of it but let your son view access to the pup as a privilege not a given and try not to force a relationship.

I can't help but think about the pup who is at a critical stage in his development and who also needs a lot of care and attention. He needs to be protected from any anxious outbursts your son might have as this could have a long lasting impact on his feelings about children and how 'safe' they are. This is another reason to keep them apart other than for very short, sweet interactions, preferably when something controlled is happening and where the pup will not try to engage with your son.

Once your pup has had both vaccinations I would thoroughly recommend you sign up for a good training class that uses kind methods. It might be possible for your son to attend this. It would have to be explained to the class that your son is a bit dog phobic and to your son that since all the dogs are on a lead they cannot get close to him. This might work or might be a bridge too far- dependin on how anxious your son is.

AS for your son's feelings, I wonder if he has been knocked by a friendly dog and got a fright or witnessed another child getting upset about a dog. I have to say that anxiety around dogs seems to be much more common amongst children than it was when I was a youngster. I am not sure why, but possibly if a child witnesses another child becomng very anxious around a dog it might have some kind of domino effect.

[quickbrownfox]

Although I grew up with dogs, the experience of bringing a puppy into a home with young children (then 1 and 5) was new to me. I had all these romantic ideas of instant love between the kids and pup, these proved, um... wrong. The little one sort of bumbled around freaking pup out and the older one alternated between being disinterested and overly affectionate.

Anyway.... 18 months later all is well, with both girls having a great relationship with our pooch. But it was pretty hellish for a while. What I found worked was just to treat the dog like a third child with her own needs (sleep time, play, rest, exercise - slightly Gina Ford-ish, yes) and not to force the kid/ dog relationship. Pup was crated for quite a few weeks and that made it easy to separate her from kids, which I think is important (although wouldn't need to be a crate, could just be a different room).

I think we as parents (with the very best intentions) can be inclined to over-orchestrate things. Based on my experience, so long as you avoid putting the dog and child in situations they will find really stressful (like the period when the pup has razor sharp teeth and wants to test them out on everything and everyone... teething... we had lots of ripped clothes), I think a very low key introduction is preferable. It's taken over a year for my toddler and dog to be comfortable with each other and for at least a month our older girl wanted to 'give her back' (I now regularly find my daughter curled up with pooch in dog bed). If you play it low key and let things just develop naturally I am sure all will eventually be well (it sounds like you are doing lots of good things already)! Growing up with a dog is such a precious experience :-)

[oopsithinkthatwasme]

thanks everyone this is all very helpful. we have a crate and i'm making sure at certain times he is in the crate so i can just focus on my 2 boys - like reading a story, etc. i think it's getting a bit better too - just requires me to be very attentive to times when children and dog are together. love the idea of a separate room, although a bit too late for that. although will put stairgate on children's bedroom to make them feel secure from puppy in there.