Jokes

[tedfudge]

Anybody wish to tell jokes and make us laugh for the day ??

I accidentally took my cats medication this morning.. dont ask meow

[teddyboy23]

I told my wife your drawing your eye brows on to high .she just looked at me surprised

[tedfudge]

What do you call a fish with no eyes ??

A FSH

[teddyboy23]

My dog swallowed all my scrable letters now he's leaving little messages all over the place

[Spartacus]

Two nuns walk into a bar

Boom boom

[tedfudge]

What did one hat say to the other ?..

You wait here I'll go on a head

[tedfudge]

What do you call a woman with one leg ?..

Eileen

[tedfudge]

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison

[Spartacus]

When my boy asked me to explain what a solar eclipse was

I said

No son

[Spartacus]

A lorry carrying onions has shed its load all over the M1.

Police are advising motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

[Spartacus]

Saw this on twitter so claim no responsibility

I went to the Doctor with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said: “Homer’s a big guy and Marge has blue hair.”

[tedfudge]

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

[tedfudge]

I was kidnapped by mimes once.

They did unspeakable things to me

[tedfudge]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

[teddyboy23]

Policeman stops a naked man crawling along the pavement with a naked lady sitting on his back policeman saids excuse me sir can you tell me what s going on. Man saids its alright officer we,re going to a fancy dress party policeman saids what as. Fella replies I'm going as a turtle .policeman saids well what about the lady.fella saids its all right officer that's Michelle .

[teddyboy23]

Fella goes to the doctors ,he explains he can't stop singing tom Jones songs. doc saids it sounds like you've got tom Jones. Syndrome. Fella saids is it rare.doc saids well its not unusual.

[malumbu]

Guy goes to the doctors. Doctor doctor, I feel like a pais of curtains.

Doctor: "Pull yourself together man"

Guy goes into the doctors. Doctor doctor, I've got dreadful flatulance.

Doctor grabs a long pole with a hook on the end. Guy "Oh my word what are you going to do to me"

Doctor "It stinks in here I'm opening a window" (high level)

[malumbu]

My friend asked me for a double entendre, so I game her/him one

[SpringTime]

Why did the blind man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well.

[OutOfFocus]

Sign outside pharmacy :

We dispense with accuracy

[tedfudge]

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me

[tedfudge]

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A maybe

[tedfudge]

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

[tedfudge]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.