Jokes

[Spartacus]

Did you hear about the lady who stole a calendar today from the card shop?

She's got 12 months !

[The Scorpion]

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

🤭

[wordsworth]

How many fish can you get in a pair of tights?

2 soles, 2 eels and a wet plaice.

[malumbu]

Thinking of another thread, and back to reading our kids books when they were young. Spot goes to the beach. Dad can we got to the beach asks Spot. No, dad replies,because we are not allowed as we crap on the sand

Sorry below the belt

Anyway an American had bought himself and his wife lifetime tickets for the Superbowl final. Last year he is there but with a spare seat by him. Another spectator asks him why the seat is spare. He explains about himself and his wife, but that she recently died. Oh I am so sorry says the spectator. Did you not have a friend or family member who could go? Oh they are busy says the gent. They are at my wife's funeral

For the sake of balance that can be told with the genders reversed, same sex couples and the like.

[Spartacus]

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong, I’m all ears...

[Spartacus]

I just want to publicly thank my kind neighbour who put a cover over my car to stop if from freezing over.

Ta Pauline

[Spartacus]

When I was at hospital the other week I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said "suture self”

[ENPROPERTY]

I will be saving some of these for the next team drinks 🍺

[Spartacus]

I’m reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen… I can just feel it.

[Spartacus]

I'm nervous of posting Monopoly puns but today I thought I’d take a chance…

[Spartacus]

Just come back from Sainsburys.

There was a group of teenagers outside who asked "excuse me Mr, will you get us 20 Richmond, please, they won't serve us!"

So I agreed to do it, thinking thats my good deed done for the day.

I've went in and got them for them, and when I handed them over to them they started effing and blinding at me!

If hats what a good deeds get you then they can get their own fooooking sausages next time

[teddyboy23]

I think all hairdressers and barbers are two faced.you walk into the salon,are greeted with a friendly smile and warm welcome.but as soon as you sit in the chair, they start talking behind your back.