Can a 5 (nearly 6) year old have low self esteem?

[ryedalema]

Hi all

Our eldest daughter has been talking about 'feeling rubbish' and that she's 'not good at anything'. She also, which worried me most, said she doesn't want to eat her meals because she feels she doesn't feel normal and that she doesn't have any friends (which i'm sure isn't true).

Is this normal? I'm not quite sure what to do about this one...

[nunheadmum]

I think they cai feel low about themselves - my eldest can be a bit like this tho not the food aspect. Not totally sure what the ideal approach is. We generally try to gently probe as to whether there is any underlying reason and otherwise just try to gently give a bit more positive feedback till the phase passes - it usually does.

Also worth letting her class teacher know - they may be able to shed some light or just generally try and work with you to give messages of positivity. I've found teacher input to really help - me anyway, if not my daughter! I say that as it really has been phases for us that have passed. I couldn't say what if anything worked. But my daughter does get over it, till the next time another shade of a similar issue arises. I just think she is a bit of a thinker.

[edanna]

That's a tough one ryedalema. I would definitely discuss it with her teacher to make sure that they are giving her plenty of positive feedback. Are there things that she feels that she is good at - whether it's swimming, a board game etc - that you can do a bit more of in the eve or weekend to give her a bit of a boost? Hopefully it will pass soon as nunheadmum says.

[canela]

I would definitely mention it to the teacher. There may be something going on at school that can shed light on it and that you can help her with.

It's difficult as kids can pick up on things without anyone realising. My 7 year old boy had a brief phase when he was unhappy with the way he looked and when he talked it came out that he had heard that "boys can't be pretty". We started mentioning how handsome he was and he soon perked up.

[Ole]

Agree with Canela - I'd suggest to also watch out what you talk about with your partner (or other grown ups) if the kids are within earshot - I am not saying that it should always be light and fluffy conversation around them, but I have noticed that my son pays attention to our conversations even when we think that he is entertaining himself, and occasionally he has repeated phrases that we have used to describe our feelings, so perhaps also consider the possibility that she might have picked up on a conversation (maybe not even necessarily by you, it could have been anywhere), so now we leave the heavyweight discussions for when he is in bed.

[ryedalema]

Thank you all - and for the PMs too. As you say - I'm hoping this will pass and not be a 'thing', but she's using such grown up language, it's almost as if she knows how to speak 'in therapy'. The food thing knocked me for 6, but thankfully she hasn't followed through on that one yet.

I'll keep a close eye on this...

Oh and we have spoken to her teacher about it...not sure that's helped though.

[Saffron]

It may seem strange, but it's probably an advantage that she can talk about her feelings in grown-up ways. Isn't it normal sometimes not to feel hungry when you're down? She might even have virus, but she (and you) can't see anything physically wrong. It might just being making her feel bad in herself.

Re the teacher, have you ruled out that the teacher is part of the problem? Not every teacher-child combination is sympatico.

[Jessie]

Yes, one of my son's issues has been (and is) incredibly low self-esteem, which raised its head at about age 4. He was referred to CAMHS by GP for this and other issues, who were wonderful with him, as has his school been (Goose Green).

[pripolla]

sorry, what is CAMHS?

[Saffron]

Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services

http://www.camhscares.nhs.uk/v/referral

[ryedalema]

Saffron - you're right I'm not sure her teacher is helping much, but I don't think she's part of the problem either. I think she's just not skilled particularly to help or has the time with 29 other demands on her attention.

There is a pastoral care lady that she is supposed to see once a week to talk about stuff - but this lady keeps being ill or unable to keep her appointments. So my daughter keeps getting really excited about seeing her, and then upset when she doesn't show :(

So you think a trip to the docs is the next step?

And yes - you're absolutely right about it being good that she can talk about it...I'm glad she's not bottling it all up inside.

[rfoxxi]

Children can find the move into big school really challenging...

What about getting her to express herself through art? Maybe pin some big paper on a wall and let her go crazy with some paint! Yoga for kids is great too- gets them 'into' their bodies and gives them some tools for coping. Meditation for kids cds can be great too- they're not just relaxing but teaches her calming techniques too. Sounds like school is just maybe a bit much for her, poor thing. I would keep an eye on that and if you get no joy from the teacher, is there a teaching assistant in the class you can ask or go to the headteacher with your concerns. It is not good enough that her teacher isn't giving you help- that's what she is there for and i think it says alot about your child's everyday experience in the classroom if the teacher can't cope with the numbers in her class. Your daughter probably feels a bit lost in it all. There should be regular written communication at the very least between you and the teacher- in her workbooks etc. As far as the friends issue- what about asking her who she played with today at school- keep tabs on who she is friends with and invite them for a play-date: could just be a trip to the park after school or a swim trip if she doesn't want to initially invite them to your home, but may help her immensely in feeling you are supporting her in making friends. I'm sure this time will pass but the first year of school, as I've said, can be daunting; not just for the kids but the parents too, and it requires quite a lot of effort from everyone in the first few years. Just keep praising her...maybe include her in everyday tasks at home (I used to ask my daughter to draw me the shopping list, before she could write, and we took that with us to the shops so she could help by telling me what's next- gives her a feeling of true participation and responsibility and she can see she is good at something- it might take a little bit longer to get round the supermarket - but what's the rush?)

I hope you find some of that useful. I wish someone had warned me just how difficult the transition to school was going to be. (btw: bullying can start from a very young age- so please don't be afraid to ask your daughter about her everyday experiences and tell her to ask for help when she needs it- as long as she knows you are there for her she will be just fine!)

Best wishes to you and to her.