advice pse - full time working mum of 3yo who needs to travel from time to time

[Mfichardt]

Sorry for the long post. I need some advice on how to talk to my 3.5 yo about me working and being away every now and again.

I'm her main carer - my husband has a very demanding job; we take turns taking her to pre-school (she's there full time) and we have no other childcare help, except her 2 grandmothers who live in another country and comes and visit once a year and stay a month at a time.

She's always been very attached to me (more so than other kids I think) but overall she's a very happy and confident child, enjoying pre-school a lot.

I travel about once a month - and away for 2-4 days at a time. After the last trip when my mum looked after her and said that my daughter really missed me - (my husband was also away) and now my daughter keeps telling me that she doesn't want me to go away again and she doesn't want me to go to work...

I never go out or away unless it's for work - I've never been able to leave her with babysitters. Now that she's making friends she's happy to go for playdates ...

Going away for a weekend with my husband - and my mother will look after her again (in our house). She's always loved being with my mum but now I get the idea she has a negative connotation to her as she has to stay with her when I'm away.

Am I over-thinking all of this?

Any advice about how to explain our going away / my work going aways to her or other tactics will be appreciated.

Thanks !

[womanofdulwich]

YOu have never gone out apart from for work?

She is 3.5?

For the sake of your marriage and your own sanity you MUST go out more (IMO) so that she realises you have a life too.

CAn you do something like swap babysitting with a friend with a similar age child- maybe from NCT or other classes- or someone you know from nursery?

If you can afford it, get someone who is not family to babysit once every 2 weeks or so.

[nunheadmum]

I'd be tempted to say, explain to her that you're going away, do it and accept that it might not be her ideal scenario, but she'll realise that you came back and nothing major happened to you or her. Yes, she'd rather than you were there but we don't always get what we want - we need to learn that other peoples needs also need to be met. If she always gets what she wants, what does she learn from that?

Sometimes it takes a bit of tough love but your daughter obviously gets lots of love and support and an odd weekend away won't undermine that. It will help you and your husband keep your relationship going and that will possibly be more important longer term for your daughter.

[AnnaCBH]

Talk to her and explain in advance when you're going away. Prepare her for it and it won't be a shock (sounds like you do anyway) you could also make her a sticker chart that she adds a sticker to every morning and night until you come home- she can then see that it is a finite thing. Also read 'owl babies' to her ( the mummy goes away but always comes back) talk to her about the book and remind her " mummy always comes back" other than that I agree with the other posters- you do need to go away for work and she will be ok, and she will get over any sadness that she has.

My little one is also quite attached and gets upset when I go out in the evening/ at weekends and although it doesn't happen often (my going out nightlife) I do talk to her about how important it is that mummy has time with her friends too, just like she does- she'd just prefer to come too I think! Haha.

Best of luck

[Mfichardt]

Thanks everyone - appreciate all the good advice.

M

[Saffron]

When you come back, are you able to have a special day with her, or plan a special activity? So instead of just missing you while you're away, she'll have something special to look forward to when you return? Then she starts to associate your trips away with special treats on your return.

Also could you Skype with her while you're away? Or send her messages?

[alieh]

I travel for work quite a bit and they do get used to it! In my case, though, they are usually at home with my husband when I'm away so that is less of a change for them then staying with someone else. I think it is important not to apologise for it - that's my personal view anyway! I just tell them that mummy needs to go away to do her work, I love spending time with them but I also love my work and I need time for both. Now that my oldest is 4.5 we talk about why people work, how we work to have money for all the things we need, and we talk about what I do for my job, who I see when I travel, etc.

So far it seems that calls and Skype while I'm away make things worse unless it is very soon to the day I'm coming home.

My husband says that it is always around night 3 that they get sad and talk about missing mummy. But that is normal and they need to learn that it's okay to be sad but they don't get to choose how things are all the time, and of course that mummmy will be home soon.

By the way, you say that your husband travels a lot as well and mine does too. I think it is really important (for me, in my house I mean) not to give the impression that it is any worse/different for mummy to be away than daddy. We each do 50% of the parenting role and sometimes I'm away, and sometimes he is away.

Now that they're 2.5 and 4.5 all they care about is that I bring them a little treat or present from the places I've visited!

[canela]

there's nothing wrong with her saying that she misses you and doesn't want you to go away. she's just being honest. but that doesn't mean that her sadness is anything other than normal. yes, she will miss mummy but Grandma will have lots of other fun things to do and she can have special Grandma-time. and she will be pleased to see you when you get back.

just check there is nothing specific that she worries about. for example, my son worries about what to do in the morning at Grandma's house as she gets up later than I do .... so we agreed a set time he could go into her room, and also put some toys and books in his room with a carton of milk for the morning so that he could occupy himself for a bit. there might be differences to the routine that she just wants to talk about.

i agree that phone calls and Skype make it worse. she should hopefully be having so much fun she forgets about you. and yes, treats when you pick them up etc etc.

and yes - a babysitter now and then!

[VanessaPMR]

I seem to spend a huge amount of time with my 3.5 year old explaining the working week to her. Every evening I go over the lovely times we have been able to spend together that day, and then point out the N of days until the weekend when we get to do something fun 'en famille'.

It seems to calm her and allows her to reflect on the nice periods of togetherness rather than focus on imminent separation.

I also tend to 'overthink' these things, I like to tell myself its part of the job of being a good mother... ;-)

Have a lovely weekend away!

[Saffron]

Agreed, phone calls/Skype could go either way. It might depend on the age or temperament of your child, or also on the time of day (don't do it if they're overtired in the evening!).

Little Saff was upset by these at first when she was younger. Now that she's older (3.5 yrs), she actually asks to call/Skype people that she's missing.

You probably have to test the water a bit to know how it will work for you. Maybe better to try on the morning before your return?

Also, if you have to be away more than 1-2 days, try leaving a series of letters from you. One to open each day with a little note and a treat like a sticker etc. It adds an element of routine that includes something from you even though you're not there. xx

[Mfichardt]

Thanks again for more advice. Skype also doesn't work for us, but glad to hear so many other mums out there in the same position and taking all of this advice onboard. Thanks !

xx