Shyness in a toddler

[HollieES]

My son is nearly 3 and he's suddenly become very shy. At home he's a happy, confident, and what I'd call a very typical 3 year old boy - basically chatting and singing all day long. He's been talking well since he was 2 and is very good at communicating and using language. He's physically confident and outgoing but over the last couple of months he has become very shy and withdrawn in public, and I guess I don't know whether this is just a phase that he'll grow out of or something I need to fathom out and help him through.

As a bit of background, I've been his primary caregiver since birth and when I went back to work 2 days a week, his grandmas looked after him (at our house) a day each. We've always been to playgroups, things like sing & sign, tumble tots etc. so I don't think it's that he's not used to group situations. He's been going to nursery 2-3 mornings a week since Easter where he's happy and never upset for me to leave him. The last couple of months have been eventful in that his dad and I got married, and I've upped my work hours whilst my other half now does most of the childcare, which he's brilliant at. We also moved house back in the summer and I feel like maybe these changes are contributing to his sudden shyness.

I guess what I'm asking is what do I do? He won't say hello to anyone (he'll actually say "I don't want to say hello to XX because I'm very shy") - even people he knows really well. We never refer to him as shy because we don't want to make an issue of it. When we go somewhere he'll hide his face in my legs or ask to be picked up. If I'm really honest I'm getting a bit embarrassed because I think people think he's being rude and isn't a nice child. It's like I want to say "he's not like this at home". I'm aware that sounds a bit daft, and that I shouldn't be embarrassed, but I'd just like to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if you have any advice about how I can support him rather than putting pressure on him or making it worse.

[Otta]

"I don't want to say hello to XX because I'm very shy"

This suggests to me that you should definitely not make a thing of it, because he's picked up on it.

I have 2 girls, a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Older one is very outgoing, younger one very shy. They've had the same input from the same people since birth. I think it's partly just personality, but mainly just development. I wouldn't worry about it for now.

[EmilyPie]

I'm having a similar thing with my 2 1/2 year old. He will often warm up when it is a situation where he's spending a few hours or more with someone, and will sometimes decide to be super chatty with random people, normally when I need to have an actual conversation with that person about, for instance, why we shouldn't have to pay for additional building work caused by their cock ups - grrr. This makes me wonder whether partly it is the expectation to talk/say hello etc when other people want him to. So maybe a combination of wanting a bit more power and suddenly being in the spotlight? Anyway, we have agreed that when he doesn't want to say hello to someone he can wave instead. I have to remind him each time but is a compromise he seems happy with and which makes my life a bit easier too. maybe worth a try?

[jenc]

My little boy went through a phase earlier this year (he'll be four next week) where he wouldn't speak to adults even if he knew them really well, he made me ask them for things or talk to them for him. Usually you can't shut him up so it was very out of the ordinary and it lasted a few weeks. He would also say "I don't want to talk because I've gone a bit shy" but I think that was him copying me saying " have you gone a bit shy?" He's been through similar phases before but he's not what I'd call shy by nature.

Sorry probably not being very helpful but basically i think it could well be a phase and it might be best not to make a thing of it for now and see how long it lasts.

[EDmummy]

I'd suggest just ignoring it completely. I've got one who has always been shy finally finding his confidence at almost 13, the other has been super confident from birth. Same family situation, different levels of confidence.

[uptime]

Hi Hollie

We are going through exactly the same thing. We've also had a couple of changes - new nursery and new nanny - but it sounds almost exactly like your situation: Previously very gregarious toddler becoming shy in new social situations. I know it's easy to say, but I genuinely think it's a phase that we shouldn't worry about.

[HollieES]

Thanks everyone, I think it is a phase and everything above seems like good advice. The waving thing has been helpful and we've tried that for the last few days with some success.