Helping a nervous 4 year old boy find confidence?

[Lochie]

Am wondering if anyone else has/has had experience of nervousness in a 4 year old boy (5 in September), and if so if there are any things I can do to help build confidence?

My son is socially confident but when it comes to the physicalities of being 4 he is very reluctant to participate. Examples include not wanting to go on bouncy castles (he?ll sit on the edge but that is about it), not wanting to go on a very easy twisty slide in the playground (which my 2 year old daughter tackles with glee), not wanting to go fast/high on swings, being frightened if it rains (to the point that he sometimes cries). I don?t want to push him, and I always reassure him but tell him to do things in his own time and reward him when he does take a brave step (for him). However, I must say I am really nervous myself about him starting school in September ? not the social side but the physical side of being with 120 four-year olds who may not be so sensitive to his nervousness.

Has anyone experienced this? Is it something that is grown out of or should we be proactively trying to sort it out now whilst he is still young? My husband is great and is a positive, adventurous role model to him so not sure why he is so very very nervous!

[Pickle]

Hi Lochie,

My son was very similar, scared and unwilling to try most of the physical activities other kids his age were having fun with, while his sister (17 months younger) was always the one at the top of the highest thing she could find. He was a delayed walker (21 months) and has taken much longer to gain physical confidence than others.

We used to laugh at the playground, as he would stand at the bottom of climbing frames basically carrying out a health and safety assessment as the other kids played.

He has, in his own time, improved a lot since starting school. He is in year 2 now, and happily launches himself down the big slides at soft play, and is just starting to love bouncy castles (at the point where they don't feature at parties anymore as the others have outgrown them!).

We gently encourage him, but never push him as that tends to make him switch off to an idea even more. He still has his moments... Last summer he bravely climbed up the tower at the adventure playground above Sainsburys, only to completely freeze once up there. I had to abandon my then 15 month old at the bottom and climb up to coax him down. He's terrified of bees and wasps (is currently inside while his sisters are in the garden, as he saw a bee). He won't join in with games of football or ride a bike, but loves school sports day and the school fun run, so we are considering looking into athletics as a physical, but not scary, option for him.

Our school did home visits before the children started in reception, and I let the teachers know that he needed gentle encouragement for physical tasks. They were great with him, so hopefully your sons school will do something similar.

[Lochie]

Thank you Pickle. That is so useful to read. Gave me a little lump in throat! My son absolutely loves roaming around on his bike (with stabilisers!) so we have started to think that we need to build on the things he loves doing and gently giving him more physical challenges in those areas (e.g. no stabilisers!). I guess my main fear is him being alienated when he starts school - we are due a home visit from his new teacher and TA early Sept so that is a good tip to mention it to them then.

[Pickle]

I think it depends on the child as to whether they feel alienated or not. It doesn't seem to bother our son too much, and we focus on the things he's good at. He will speak about boys playing rough games of football, and follow it up with "I bet they're not good at playing the recorder like I am"!

We've come to accept that our boy is never going to be a boisterous boy - he likes nothing better than to sit drawing, writing, and playing with Lego. Middle daughter is the adventurous outdoors one, and little one (another delayed walker) is somewhere between the others and a little keener than her brother was to try climbing.

Definitely speak to the teacher, and focus on the positives.

[Mrs TP]

Children do stuff when they are ready. I would suggest this more a first child thing than a boy thing. First children are expected to charge in and do it all but really that is quite daunting for them whilst subsequent children are generally more social and used to tagging along / pitching in with whatever is going on - massive generalisation and no doubt I will be shot down in flames by those with outgoing firsts and shy subsequent children but that is not my experience. I have 3 girls, the first as a toddler was v shy and reluctant to join in but loved watching and didn't feel like she was missing out, no 2 was braver and no 3 doesn't give a fig about anything and charges in, sometimes to find herself out of her depth but rarely bothered about that. All are different.

My first now at secondary school and much braver and likes to give things a go and realises opportunities are short. It is not a label for life. Really don't push him, support him and encourage him but if he doesn't want to do stuff then support that too. He sounds v normal and grounded.

[esme]

I think he will grow out of it, my friend's now 6 yr old was always like that but is now facing fears (e.g. Playground equipment that is very high up, confrontational kids and so on) and growing in confidence... I was always a shy child but grew out of it eventually. Nothing you can do other than let him develop in his own time I'd say, my dad (extrovert) tried to boost my confidence continually but it had the opposite effect so I would definitely try not to worry or be too pushy. Best wishes :)