Lordship Lane - Police

[DulwichMonkey]

As the individual responsible for most crimes committed in the East Dulwich/Peckham manor I would like to object to the way I have been characterised. As a recent graduate from Oxbridge College, London, I am fluent in Mandarin, Telugu, Yoruba and Aramaic and very rarely end a sentence with the phrase 'innit'. I favour a conservatively tailored Paul Smith suit and Church's brogues over hoodies and hi-tops, and always wear bicycle clips while riding my BMX on the pavement. My drug of choice is Laphroaig 15 year old malt and I am never seen strolling the 'hood without my trusty sword-stick. When rolling in my rag-top Benz I usually pump out some serious Wagner from my bass bins, straight outta Leipzig y'all, and am notorious for my drive-by arias.

The incident referred to in the first posting probably relates to my recent daring break-in at Dulwich Gallery. Instead of stealing anything I merely hung a few Jack Vettriano canvasses next to the Dutch masters. This lead to cultural alarm bells ringing throughout the Village and necessitated the rozzers sticking on the blues and twos and shooting down Lordship Lane at great speed. Needless to say I gave the Old Bill the slip and am still on the loose.

Please in the future refrain from pigeon-holing us Ordinary Decent Criminals. Instead embrace us as an adornment to your communities, invite us into your lives, but please, remember to leave the latch off.

Respec' innit!