Hello from Plod in da East Dulwich Hood

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chief inspector remorse of the ED Plod

Hi groovy lovely peeps of the area. Its a lovely place East Dulwich. I work there but I wouldn?t live there I?ve got a large house in surrey next door to bankjob bill hes a nice repentant chap he does gardening now lots of poly tunnels and hydroponics can?t think what he?s upto. I must send the wife and ask for our hedge trimmer back and our kitchen scales I don?t know what he wants them for but there was white powder on them last time he used them Mrs Remorse baked a cake and spent all night cleaning our abode with a toothbrush and talking gobbledygook! Ahhh the days I spent as a young pc down at the Den what jolly fellows the bushwackers were they gave me a little congratulatory card one day after they whacked me with a scaffold pole I was in brocklehurst St armed with a dustbin lid. West Ham were such trouble makers it was always their fault the fiends. The millwall crowd sing with such pride ?Nonone likes us we dont care? but they should care and people do like them especially when they gave out little gift cards with their beatings. I was promoted during the millwall riots it was a clerical error it was the police horse Dobbin who was supposed to go up a grade after he famously took a calling card with his hoof after he was hit with a brick of course the brick was fully intended for some hammers fans and who can argue with that. Ahhh Dobbin the only lasagne with a medal. The crime rate in the area is pretty low and its due to my hard work those figures don?t massage themselves you know! Those of you who have been to the station will know it looked tatty with peeling paint for many years because we don?t waste money on paint or police officers and thats thanks to me. The station is now closed and thats thanks to me too. You guys have a lot to thank me for like not having any officers available during the riots so you could help yourselves and the installation of our plastic policemen with no powers of arrest! There less arrests less crimes! How clever am I? You can try and phone us and get a very friendly answerphone telling you that we are not available! I will be retiring soon only a few more months in the phone box at Goose Green we now call home before I get my million pound a year pension for the next forty years. To think mummy wanted me to be a dentist or gp or a merchant banker like Daddy. A lot of people think the police are silly Billy?s but I went to university I am good at hiding ? creative accounting ? and needlework! Well one wouldn?t want to collect an MBE with a button missing. Please look after my pcs if ever you get to see one they are often hungry and if you want to bung them some cash too that would be good as phone boxes aren?t cheap. Toodle pip citizens.