Advice around the death of a loved one

[SueV]

Hoping someone on here might have experienced something similar and have some words of advice.

My mum's dying. She's into her final few days (maybe day?) and I can't be with her because her partner will only let my sister, and not me or my brothers into the house. He's decided that it's too stressful for mum to be surrounded by people and has said we can't be there. It's his and mum's house, and he's said we'll be trespassing if we try to go.

Mum's actually lost consciousness now, and we've said all our goodbyes, so there's nothing that's unsaid, but it's breaking my heart not to be with her. In a less self-centred vein, it's also placing an incredible amount of pressure on my sister, who doesn't want to leave her alone, but has kids who need her to be at home (she's been there since Friday morning - mum's hanging in longer than we expected). Without us to take turns sitting with mum, she feels she has no option but to stay. My mum's partner says he finds it too hard to sit with mum, so will only relieve my sister for a couple of hours a day. She's terrified she'll fall asleep and mum will die without anyone to hold her hand.

Under other circumstances, I'd insist, but my mum's partner is a total arsehole, and has threatened that he won't let mum have the funeral she wants if we don't do as he says. He's the next of kin, so I don't know if we're able to challenge that in any way - mum wrote down what she wanted her funeral to be, but only in her notebook, not in a will, so legally, I don't know if that has any bearing. He's Jewish, she's Christian, has been involved with the church throughout her life and put a lot of thought into her choice of hymns and readings, and he's threatening that he will make her have a Jewish funeral. He has also threatened that if we don't do as he says, that after the funeral, he will simply shut up the house and move to Spain, and not let us have any of mum's things, including photos, and small mementos that she wanted us all to have to remember her by. He's also suggested that he's going to change the will somehow. I don't know if this is possible - mum is leaving us all a small amount of money - and while I don't care about the money, it makes me feel sick to see him gloating about how he's going out of his way to trample on mum's wishes.

I feel so torn. I want to support my sister and I want to be there to hold mum's hand, but I want her to have the send off she really wanted and don't want to jeopardise that. He's an emotionally abusive and controlling man. It feels as though now he can no longer behave that way towards mum, he's inflicting it on us while he still has an opportunity. He is genuinely upset, but his meanness and vindictiveness is making an already heartbreaking situation unbearable, so any compassion I felt for him has evaporated, to be replaced by an overwhelming desire to punch his face in. However, I'll save that for after the funeral. (NB, clearly I won't.) I've tried contacting him, but he won't return calls or texts (their house is hundreds of miles away, so going round isn't an option). He will only communicate with us through my sister.

Anyone got any suggestions at all?

[Saffron]

Is it possible to speak with his Rabbi or her Pastor? Even if you're not religious yourself, it might be productive to have someone outside the family to facilitate communication. So sorry you're going through this. xx

[Otta]

Sorry I can't help, but wow, what a bastard.

[SueV]

Yeah, Otta, grade A c**t. I have fantasies of extreme violence, which I won't go into here so that in the future I don't need to invoke the Basic Instinct alibi.

Thanks Saffron, good thinking x

[Dun]

So sorry to hear that, a horrible situation made so much worse. If you can't be there could you and your brothers help your sister out by helping look after her family while she's with your mum? Hold on to the good memories and try not to let him make you bitter. Really sorry.

[Pugwash]

Does your mother have support from a Palliative Care Nurse? If so talk to them or even your mother's GP.

Under normal circumstances this would be classed as a Safeguarding Adults incident re emotional abuse.

You say that your mother and her partner own the house, do you know this for certain and the basis of the ownership, i.e whether it is tenants in common? In one sort of ownership the property passes automatically to the joint owner, in other cases your mother's share would go to her next of kin (if she has not made a will)

he sounds an absolute bxxxxxd. Do you know which church she went to and could you or your sister contact the vicar

My Mum died 3 years ago and lingered for 10 days having been advised that once she came off her dialysis machine it would be 2- 3 days, I know how you are feeling. We were with Mum from 9am to 8 pm daily at St. Christopher's Hospice

[JohnL]

This unfortunately is why sons and daughters beware of new partners (Its sad but true).

Make sure the will is all done by solicitors not home if possible

(My mothers was done at home and still not sorted after 3 years - no acrimony either - just no-one wants to finally sell up).

[sjsl]

I agree it would be good to involve a third party, a priest or palliative care nurse, they might be able to speak on your mother's behalf. There was an article in the Guardian recently which might be helpful

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/27/father-death-stepmother-deathbed-personal-problem-solved-bereavement-grief

How sad, it must be very hard for you.

[LadyNorwood]

My elderly aunt, a spinster for most of her life, took up with a younger man when she was in her 70s (he was in his 50s) - initially it was a business arrangement, they were both in the antiques trade....

He then moved in to her home and they became partners at home as well as in business. She became unwell with scleroderma and each time we made arrangements to visit her, he would cancel at the last minute and we never got to see her.... He rang me to tell me she had died and that the funeral had already taken place - it was all rather strange as when I asked if I could perhaps have a look through any family documents, photos etc (she was my last living relative). He became extremely abusive and accused me of being after her money, nothing was further from the truth, I merely wanted to know if there was anything relating to my father (which would have been of no value/interest to him) as I only have a couple of photos of him.... He also accused me of neglecting my aunt, even though it was he who refused my attempts to visit her.... He then said he'd burned all her papers and sold all her effects - she had worked in Africa and the Emirates as a hospital matron for many years and had accumulated valuable pieces together with her antiques dealings.... I never met this man, he contrived to be absent whenever I did visit her (prior to her illness) and I have no doubt that he was not interested in her for herself, merely for house, money and personal effects....

When the solicitors contacted me (she had, in fact, left me a small monetary legacy), I questioned the actions of this man - they were very apologetic and expressed concern that he had coerced and unduly influenced her. I should have followed it up, if only to prevent him from targeting another vulnerable lady....

SueV - I feel so profoundly sorry that you find yourself in this hideous situation - what is already a desperately sad time for your mother, to have to deal with such antagonism and vileness is unfathomable - I hope that you can find a solution, given that there is not much time - if your mother is mentally incapacitated I don't think he will be able to change the will, do you have a family solicitor who can advise you?

I wish you strength for the future and hope that your mother passes peacefully - feel free to PM me....

[SueV]

God, that's really helpful sjsl - sums up my feelings, makes me feel like I'm not going mad.

Pugwash, the palliative care team have commented on the fact that we're not there, but he's told them that that's what she would have wanted. My sister hasn't wanted to rock the boat, because she (and we all) want mum to get her planned funeral. Unfortunately, they'd only recently moved to the area when mum was diagnosed, so I'm not able to involve her church, as she didn't have one in her new place.

I also don't want to make it harder for my sister, because although it's heartbreaking being forced to stay away, I know it's even harder for her being there. We thought Friday or Saturday would be mum's last day, but the nurses have said it could even be 2-3 more days. He's vile to my sister, and if she says anything, he's even worse - and audibly in front of my mum. Although she's not conscious, my sister's scared that somehow mum will hear / know, and so she's begged us not to do anything to make matters worse.

I'm not 100% clear on the legalities - they've made a will, and it's been done with solicitors. In the event of her death, each of us siblings receives a sum of money, then when he dies, the estate is divided between his children and us. As far as I know, that's all that's actually been put in the will, but mum's talked about some bits and bobs she'd like us each to have - nothing that's worth anything, but things with real sentimental value. This is what's upsetting me. I thoroughly expect him to change the will so we don't get anything. But I'd like to have some of her things and her photos, and because they're not in the will, it's not enforceable. So I'm trying to respect his wishes, when all I want is to go up there and strangle him.

[SueV]

And LadyNorwood, thanks so much for sharing. It's really helpful in not feeling quite so alone in this!

[JohnL]

SueV Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> God, that's really helpful sjsl - sums up my

> feelings, makes me feel like I'm not going mad.

>

> Pugwash, the palliative care team have commented

> on the fact that we're not there, but he's told

> them that that's what she would have wanted. My

> sister hasn't wanted to rock the boat, because she

> (and we all) want mum to get her planned funeral.

> Unfortunately, they'd only recently moved to the

> area when mum was diagnosed, so I'm not able to

> involve her church, as she didn't have one in her

> new place.

>

> I also don't want to make it harder for my sister,

> because although it's heartbreaking being forced

> to stay away, I know it's even harder for her

> being there. We thought Friday or Saturday would

> be mum's last day, but the nurses have said it

> could even be 2-3 more days. He's vile to my

> sister, and if she says anything, he's even worse

> - and audibly in front of my mum. Although she's

> not conscious, my sister's scared that somehow mum

> will hear / know, and so she's begged us not to do

> anything to make matters worse.

>

> I'm not 100% clear on the legalities - they've

> made a will, and it's been done with solicitors.

> In the event of her death, each of us siblings

> receives a sum of money, then when he dies, the

> estate is divided between his children and us. As

> far as I know, that's all that's actually been put

> in the will, but mum's talked about some bits and

> bobs she'd like us each to have - nothing that's

> worth anything, but things with real sentimental

> value. This is what's upsetting me. I thoroughly

> expect him to change the will so we don't get

> anything. But I'd like to have some of her things

> and her photos, and because they're not in the

> will, it's not enforceable. So I'm trying to

> respect his wishes, when all I want is to go up

> there and strangle him.

You can put something in trust (can't be changed) ..

if done properly.

I know that's what my mother planned if she met someone.