waynetta

STRING dipped in tomato sauce makes perfect reusable spaghetti for kids who don't like spaghetti

My kids never touch the stuff, and don't realise I've been serving them up the same bowl of string for over a year now.

Eh??

:)

To eight items or less misery at your local supermarket. Simply bring a group of friends shopping with you, and divide the contents of your trolley amongst them.

Take a visit to the castle. If you look at someone the wrong way you may get your dental work sorted as well.

ALCOHOLICS Increase the strength of your booze by an eight by giving blood immediately before going on a bender.

Eh??

You can't have much of a clue if you need to come here for advice.

You'll be like a fukking lamb to the slaughter

WTF is a side return?

Actually I just remembered. I don't give a flying fukk

A SIMPLE pocket calculator placed alongside your television is a constant source of amusement. Watch your friends' faces as they try in vain to change the TV channel with it.

WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with an elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine, and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

AVOID 'red eye' when taking flash photographs by sticking a small piece of black tape over the flash bulb on the front of your camera.

CUT your man's hair around a mousse ring mould instead of a pudding bowl if he is balding at the crown.

KEEP all your CDs in the wrong cases. If a burglar steals them, at least he'll have the unenviable task of sorting them out before he can sell them to his 'fence'.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be Tippexed over and used for shopping lists.

UNDERWATER camera-men. Don't throw away those old discarded supermarket trolleys. Tie two of them together with string to make a handy anti-shark cage.

IF you have a squeaking door, leave the house and walk fifty yards down the street. From this distance it is unlikely you will be able to hear it.

PREPARE baby sea turtles for their hectic life at sea by placing them in a washing machine. Add salt instead of soap and you have the perfect 'ocean simulator'.

boring?

stale?

mediocrity?

Don't you lot read Top Tips then?

The Stanford prison experiment, carried out in the sixties by Philip Zimbardo, demonstrates perfectly how cruel and sadistic apparently normal people can behave in certain circumstances.

In a nutshell, this was an experiment where ordinary volunteer students were divided into two groups, jailers and captives. Within two days the students who were the jailers were maltreating and even torturing the captives. The experiment had to be abandoned because the behaviour of the jailors had become so violent and dangerous.

CARthieves. Always carry a spare can of petrol with you in case the driver has syphoned off all the petrol from his car and is carrying it round with him in one or two plastic buckets.

There were a lot of 'fundamentally decent people' living in Germany between 1938 and 1945 who either committed atrocities against mankind themselves, or enabled, supported or ignored those who did.

MAKE everyone think you wear glasses by making a mark on the bridge of your nose with a hot teaspoon every morning.

Ok a leap of faith here. I'm going to look at the world through RosieH coloured glasses and say that most people are fundamentally decent, and I'll include paedophiles, murderers, muggers, drug dealers, people trafficers, pimps, racists, terrorists, muggers, bullys, rapists, homophobes, bankers, traffic wardens and Jordan in that list.

My car doesn't start. Is there a decent person out there who will buy me a new one?

Ta (tu)