cuppa tea

I would be very insulted at the implication that you would lie to the school. They are treating you like one of the children...and as they are teaching your child, they need to learn to communicate better with parents and not get their backs up! I think they are sticking to the rule book for the sake of it and they are not thinking of the individual needs of their pupils. It's fair enough that your daughter decides not to go on a school trip. The feeling of autonomy at being able to make that decision and being listened to by her parents is probably a far more valuable lesson to learn than anything she would learn on the school trip.

Saila, I don't understand your point. You think the teachers should be supported to make rules, so that the kids can have fun breaking them? Personally I think it's assuming all the children are guilty and showing a total lack of trust and respect. Why bother to follow the rules when you have to be searched anyway? Why are mobiles banned? Odd rule to have in the 21st century. If adults were all searched as they walked into their work place it would seem totally outrageous! Why should it be any different for children?

I've never thought it a good idea to outnumber the parents....asking for trouble!!

I don't think you need to install feminist values. Treat yourself with respect and treat your children with kindness and that's how they learn to treat other people...whether they are girls or boys. If the dad is affectionate and is seen to do plenty of household jobs then that's going to help immensely! The main thing I have found with boys is their energy level....it's through the roof! Well with mine it is anyway. They need constant exercising and whole body physical stuff and to be able to explore safely. But yes, you can take the useful bits from the books and ignore the rest. I have found that growing up with my brother has helped me understand my son's more...though obviously this can't always be arranged!

The problems I have found with books about boys is that they tend to be very generalised and it's not always helpful. I read Steve Biddulph's book, which has some useful points, but it's rather dumbed down. Really you have to look at your own child to find out who they are and what they need. I'm not sure you need to worry about the 'boys' thing yet. You learn more about them as you go along. Saying that, I have 2 very 'boyish' boys and I when I compare it to people who have girlish girls the same age I do realise that parenting in my world is a very different experience!

and actually it's not just strangers and random people you have to be aware of. Awful things can happen to children by someone they know....Once you start thinking in terms of rules and dos and don'ts it becomes very complicated and can cause problems in itself, (eg..'bad men', 'stranger danger'). I think you are right not to try and freak her out. Personally I think building up a strong level of trust with our children and allowing them to be assertive and that they can say "no" to their parents and other adults is a good thing. If my son says "no" about something I try to respect it. The 'do as I say, not questions asked' attitude toward children is really not helping them protect themselves. Living in fear of all adults is not all that helpful either. They then don't learn who they can trust and sheltering them and not gradually giving them more freedom and independence actually creates other problems. As a child I had loads of freedom, as most kids did then, and we were mostly all aware of who to steer clear of. But different times... I would have a chat (without using too many words) at a time when you are feeling calm...and not after she has just ridden off out of sight, when you are obviously feeling more stressed. I would explain that you care about her very much and you want to help her stay safe. There are probably some good books out there with a story, though most of those are with the stranger scenario. Hope that helps a bit. I am gradually talking to my son about this. I think it's an ongoing thing, as is building up a close and open relationship with our children.

It's nursery/pre-school isn't it? I get confused when people call that 'school'. Mentally it's like bringing the whole process forward a year or 2! I would go for a nice day out too. I used to do that with my little on when he was at nursery and sometimes just woke up upset or simply didn't want to go. Had no effect on the next drop off. At 3 it's lovely to be able to have a bit of choice about it. Once they start school they are there for a Loooong time and they have very little choice about it! (I did once taken my son to the beach on a hot school day...funnily enough there were load of other school age children there!)

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Oh good, just what mum's need - more guilt! Why is it blaming mothers and not fathers? You can do both things. Through the day you can be attentive to your child AND answer the phone/check messages. Personally I think technology is GREAT! My child can talk to their dad whereever we are, they can skype their grandparents, I can connect with other mum's so I don't feel so isolated, we can arrange to meet up with other children....I can still be there for my children, pick them up and kiss their injuries, read them stories, tuck them in bed. Wouldn't we be better mum's without all this bloody guilt that keeps getting dumped at our feet?! I don't think being distracted within the adult world is a modern phenomenon.

Minder...have you ever tried to dress a child that point blank REFUSES to get dressed?!! Has a huge, screaming, punching, kicking, rolling on the floor type of tantrum?! If i had tried to talk to my son about where we were going that day he would not have been able to hear me for all the screaming...

I wasn't out to insult anyone...I'm talking about my own son and referring to the OP's child who is only just 3. Not yet school age and still very young. I wasn't saying the problems are invisible....I was suggesting that outside of the school environment, the more specific needs of certain children can be met more easily. School is part of the problem. You've done a 'huge amount of reasearch' and are clearly an advocate for your child. That's great! Some people do not have the capability to do that, or communicate and work with a school. That's a worry I think.

My son spent the WHOLE of last summer naked including all the nights! And why not?! Even all through the winter, no pyjamas...then suddenly wanted to wear them and is back in clothes. Still won't wear pants or socks, so we're going with it.

That's an interesting thread Saffron. Sort of also makes me think of why the more 'conventional' ways of parenting my son have never worked very well. It doesn't create the right environment for him to thrive, or get to the root of any problems. The things that seem to help are more of a 'working with' approach. The firmer discipline is just a vicious cycle and perpetuates the problem. In a school context, that 'normal' and 'average' are what is easiest for the institution...but not necessarily helpful in later life. I also don't understand how anyone can tell where a personality stops and a disorder begins, particularly with ADHD. Never mind the million different ways parents raise their children. Misdiagnosis must be rife!

I have similar thoughts myself (mostly during the challenging moments) with my own child. He's just turned 5. Personally I don't necessarily think that rushing to have a diagnosis is all that helpful for a child. Children are all so individual that there will be so many variations within a 'disorder'. Once the child has a label you tend to see the label and not the child and their specific needs. Another problem with having a diagnosis, is that the children can feel that there is something wrong with them and this can create other problems. I think a diagnosis can be helpful for a parent in some ways. Other parents and teachers can be really unforgiving. It is always assumed that it's a parenting problem, a 'lack of disciple problem'. I've heard this ad nauseum. When I read the symptoms for ADHD they don't make sense to me, they seem to contradict each other....another reason I personally haven't gone down that route. It's a 'disorder' that suddenly becomes significant in school/nursery/formal setting where structure and compliance are very important. Some kids just don't fit into that, and have more complicated needs, but instead of changing the school it's assumed that it's easier to change the child :(

I've had this with both my sons. The youngest is 2 now. The 'natural break' idea that Saffron suggested works well for us. Or I try and put something on the telly to distract him while I am dressing. It has helped a little if I hold up a couple of things to choose from for him to wear. Sometimes if we have to be somewhere in the morning I dress him in comfy clothes to sleep in that he can wear the next day....reduces the number of tantrums. It has also been helping to have some kind of incentive to do afterwards and explain this to him, eg 'do you want to go swimming?' he says 'yes', 'then we need to get dressed'. That seems to help. They can still understand a good deal at 20 months. Saying this my first son used to have MAJOR tantrums at every nappy change and not much worked until he was potty trained!! So it does depend on their personality. Here it was the transition that they both struggle with.