WorkingMummy

Yes. Totally, 100 percent agree. I wish I had realised this a little earlier than I have. Bless her , my eldest (the four year old) has been a great teacher to husband and me.

chantelle Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > my son said those exact words "i want to make you > dead" several months ago and I was pretty shocked! > It only happened the one time. Your technique > around hitting sounds interesting and like a good > way to defuse the situation. I have had some > success saying - oh are you going to hit mummy? is > that what you want to do? - to get him to think > about what's playing out and get his feelings back > under control. Chantelle, thanks so much for this tip. I said I'd try it and I did. It was really helpful. So, she started kicking off (literally) and I said, "o, so you want to kick mummy? Yes I see that!" It worked so well in calming her down I went further and asked her, in a calm voice, "is there anything else you'd like to do to me? TELL me about it." She SMILED (not what she usually does in the middle of her white hot rage) and said, "I'd like to pull your glasses off your face and SNAP them!!!" Which I think we could call healthily self-expressed! She then got on with getting undressed for her bath (which is all I was asking of her when she started) very nicely.

Great. I'm going to take a look at both of those Ju Ni. Thank you! Inkmaiden, I completely get your phrase, "that totally overwhelming, all encompassing rage that sometimes affects young children". Personally, I think "anger management" is completely beyond the capabilities of a toddler/pre-schooler. My LO, who as well as raging regularly, is a lovely and loving little girl who really wants to get things "right" would, I am sure, simply feel even more overwhelmed if I ever tried to get her to count to ten or "breathe" or keep it in until later. She's four! She just needs to get it out and then she recovers. To that end, I like the look of Angry Arthur and will buy it.

Not a hassle, at all! WMx

Supermanny wrote: "Once both are read I can certainly say having children will become 'enjoyable' and not feel like a job or a stress! " Supermanny, my three wonderful but variously challenging children are much more than 'enjoyable'; they are THE joy of my life. I don't need a book to make that so, thanks. And I think you are flat wrong to suggest that any book, theory, tip or approach can make looking after children stress free. I am afraid I can't resist commenting that being a parent is a whole different ball game from being a nanny or counsellor. Way, way different. Having said that, I would be very surprised to find a nanny for three pre-school children, including one infant, which is life chez nous, who didn't get stressed in 'the job' regularly. There's lots else you say I disagree with. Like, I believe it's absolutely fine for a parent to occasionally, actually quite often, not reply to a child with eye contact. That's not hectic lifestyle talking. No parent can meet all their child's needs and wants all the time. I have once read the "talk so kids listen" book but did not like it that much, particularly the aspect of trying to classify kids in different ways. But i think the one i had was by a guy, so maybe it's a different book. Also, I think the "argue with your spouse in the garden so the kids don't hear" thing is a bit f'd up to be frank. Our kids see us argue sometimes, and they see us work it out. There's no point hiding disagreement under the carpet or in the back yard! (And anyhow, a reality check is in order: if you have a baby, a toddler and a four year old in the house you absolutely CANNOT leave the children alone while you have a private conversation of any kind. In fact, I can't see that working out even if you just had one four year old!!) But what I'd really like is recommendations on a kids' book, for pre schoolers, about feeling angry, and how it happens to us all and is fine. Curmudgeon, you tipped Michel Rosen, and I see he has an angry book as well as a sad one, so I'll try them both, thanks. WM

Count me in too. WM x

I have mixed experience with The Bee plus buggy board. For no 1 (at 22 months) on the board with 2 (newborn) in the Bee, facing us, it worked a treat. No 1 is highly physical and loved to ride the kurb bumps and potholes on it. But then no 2 did not walk until just before no 3 came along so at that point we bought a Phil and Teds. But now no 2 is 2 and a bit, we do go out with baby in Bee and her on the board (mostly because, with the phil and teds, I hate to have the baby in the position where my instinct tells me the shopping ought to go). My tips are 1) experiment with training reigns. I never needed them with my first, but I use them when my current toddler is on the board. I hold the "lead" while pushing buggy and use this to stop her falling forward. It also helps a great deal if she insists on walking. 2) yes you can turn the bee seat to forward position and have board in place, but then you can't recline the seat. 3) start getting toddler used to an alternative, like a balance bike or scooter. Get practising in safe places, like the park. It's amazing how quickly they learn and gradually you can teach them road safety. My now 4 year old scoots everywhere very sensibly and I think I trusted her to stop at roads etc by about 3 and a bit . Good luck!

Another thread about my angry four year old. On Oggie's recommendation I have "volcano in my tummy" on order for me. Anyone know a good book about anger for little children? I've seen "Mad isn't Bad" but apparently that is religious/Christian which rules it out for me. WMx

Never joined, but contacted them once when baby no 1 was about ten months old and I was still expressing at work. I had a day when I pumped three times and produced about 1 oz total. They were great. Emailed me straight back, called me too I think. Very helpful and incredibly understanding. They do have online groups I think, if that would help. But I can see that if you can get to them that would be even better. Like I say, can't speak highly enough of them. Although, I did draw the line at adopting their idea of tandem feeding 1 and 2 after I gave birth a second time. I weaned my first with a few weeks to go instead....

Depending where you are, the Camberwell Green Surgery is very good and have an excellent same day system: get there at 7:40 (to queue without an appointment) and you can see a doctor before work.

Links are: http://www.wildestcolts.com/parenting.html and the parenting videos on http://www.wildestcolts.com/video.html

Thanks RenF. I've read the article and really like it. John Breeding's website also recommends this kind of thing too. He calls it "Special Time", during which, as far as possible, you let the child be in charge. I think you can do it with much younger kids and toddlers too, just by getting on the floor with the child and then doing whatever they say. Another technique I've now got from the same source is called "listen limit listen". That's about saying no/setting a boundary but continuing to listen to (and even mirror) the child 's desire, chilling out about their expression of disappointment/frustrstion (or here in our house, v angry four year old rage).

Chantelle, that's useful. I don't have time for a play fight every time she gets angry, so I'll definitely try that too. Anything is better than the absolute futility of simply saying no. Anything which takes away the tabbo and changes the atmosphere from conflict to connection.

I have a speech exactly like that, although when coming from me it's definitely a lecture. But it really only makes things worse. She knows full well that hitting etc is not good. And part of what happens when she totally melts down is that she is overcome with shame, which obviously she can't cope with and redirects at me, in more hitting and the whole thing just drags her downwards into a horrid hole. And of course, sometimes I cannot be perfectly patient so I snap (like a dinosaur, says my four year old) which scares her. I really highly recommend this totally radical (for me at least) approach of working with the behaviour. It achieves an awful lot in a very short time. About five times since I first posted I've said to her, "oh, so you need a FIGHT? (Light hearted voice.) come on then. Can you take me?" And it's brilliant. She sees that I get what she is feeling, that I don't condemn her, that I'm big enough to take it, that Minot afraid of the feelings overwhelming her, I protect myself from pointless frustration and grief, and we get to have fun. If during the play fight her bad feelings come up again, we just stop and talk about it, but without the hyper charged atmosphere. (I absolutely would not use this technique to ridicule her anger, as that would be awful.) It also occurs to me that if she were a boy she'd get this kind of release a lot from my husband and her male relatives .

Ps I have post partum hair loss myself at the moment. I would be very worried about my own health if I did not know what the cause was, so I really understand, you must be very concerned for him. WM xxx

I agree with Mrs TP. He's healthy, so not to worry, but something is going on with his scalp/hair and you need information and support. When I felt unsupported over my children's skin problems, my sister (who is a GP) advised me to write to my children's named GP and/or the senior partner and say, "I've seen three of your doctors and they all say something different and I am confused about the children's care. Please can I have an appointment with you to discuss." This can have the effect of forcing them to give you some thought outside your 8 minute slot. Maybe if you did this, they would see that you cannot be fobbed off, and give you whatever information they have. Obviously, your child is healthy and not in discomfort so all good. But hair loss is important at any age, and in a child it's naturally a worry, and at the very least you should request and get information on possible causes (even if the answer is that medical science does not know the cause) whether it is likely to self-correct and reverse, and whether there is anything you can do. Good luck and keep asking them.

Yes, Saffron, that is exactly what I mean. Why had I not thought of that before? I got the idea from "wildest colts" .com. The psychologist behind it is called John breeding and his book which I am now reading on Kindle is called "the wildest colts make the best horses". His main objective seems to be protecting "spirited" kids from diagnosis as ADHD and drugging. I don't think my LO is in danger of that. But still, I'm finding his work approach helpful.

Well, that's all reassuring and familiar. I want to make you dead is still a shock though. I have found an interesting website that recommends play wrestling with your child as a way to connect with a "spirited" child. I tried it this evening. It was amazing! She hit me a lot at bath time and I put her in her room so that I could care for her siblings without having to cope with her violence. But when I was able to let her out again, instead of lecturing her, I got on the floor and said, in a fun way, "you want to hit me? come on then!" The result was immediate transformation from conflict and screaming (by her that is, not me) to fun and laughter (for us both). I'll do that again.

My 4 year old was very angry with me today over something I wouldn't let her do. At one point, after hitting me a bit (she does that occasionally, I ignore it generally) she yelled at me at the top of her voice, "I want to make you dead!" She really meant it, too. Anyone had this?

I definitely would not start quoting the bible at a prosletizing Christian seeking to indoctrinate your children, as if the reason your MIL's behaviour was inappropriate was BECAUSE the bible says different - that way madness lies. If it happens again I would say to her, immediately, in front of the kids, with a big reassuring smile, "don't be silly" and then change the subject, ideally to remind the kids of something 'nice' about to happen to them. Then later, I would raise it with her privately and ask her not to do that again. But for goodness sake don't bring the bible into it. You can pick a line from the bible to support just about any point of view you want to take on just about any topic.

Just don't hang about. Jan is close. You may have no luck with an agency supplying part time help in this area for the period you want anyway - especially if it's a live out post - so I would crack on and advertise on a website too, if I was you. You can always ignore the replies. It doesn't take long. Like I say, an agency doesn't do it all for you anyway. They should for the price they charge but they really don't. Ps. You could also advertise on the forum family classifieds page. If what you are after is someone just popping in three or four days/nights a week to tide you over the new born period, you are much more likely to get that from someone local than from a national agency.

Perhaps not the answer you want, but are you sure you want an agency? They cost a lot. Of course, it's worth paying for peace of mind. But in my experience agencies do not do as good a job of checking people out as you would yourself. Twice, when our nannies' times with us have ended, the nanny has enrolled with a nice, pukka, knightsbridge-based agency to find a new position. Each time, I was only asked for a reference by email: the agency never called me to verify who I was or what i'd written. whereas when i recruit a new nanny i check out referees very thoroughly and always speak on the phone with at least two recent employers. And whenever I've tried to use an agency to recruit, I've been very frustrated that they would keep sending me CVs of people who did not fit my criteria. i would recommend using a very specialist website, like findababysitter.com (which is very good, but misnamed - it has sections for all domestic and child-caring jobs, not just babysitting) writing a very specific job description, and go from there. You will be fairly inundated with replies, but you just have to be ruthless in sifting the really good ones - I don't even reply to the rest. You may have to wait a few weeks before you get anyone you want to interview, but the last two times I've recruited this way I have only needed to interview one (perfect) candidate.

Saffron is right. What if with the right strength/ type LO would be clear in two weeks, and not suffer? Sure you might "get through it" - it may well disappear on its own - but that may take years. Your LOs life quality in the meantime...

One of my children has just been offered a place in the reception intake at The Villa (Camberwell) for next year. They have asked me to accept or decline by the end of the month, which is before assessments at the Dulwich Schools even take place. Before I actually knew anything at all about schooling round here (ie before we applied for this our first child to go anywhere) I was very attracted to the idea of getting the kids into a school where they can stay put until 18, and choosing between schools basically by looking at their exit data for 18+ and working backwards from there. But then I toured The Villa, absolutely loved it and, among other things, became really sold on the idea of NOT making a long term committment to one place before my child has even learned to write. And so The Villa become my first choice. I am thinking of accepting and withdrawing our applications for the Dulwich Schools immediately. Are there any parents out there who get the logic of this? And are there any Villa parents who can reassure me that I am not letting my heart rule my head, and that The Villa truly is as exceptional as I think it may be. WMx

My children all have this radically life-quality affecting condition. Like yours, there is no allergen or food which can be isolated as the cause. It is just what they have. I surrendered to steroids, and thank GOD I did. VERY high strength topical creams were needed at first ? there is simply no point mucking about with light weight stuff that will not do the trick. They needed that cream - for two weeks, to get the condition under control. But it made the disease disappear, giving me the opportunity to step in with other measures. Those other measures were simply: to throw away all soap and to wash them with aqueous creams in their evening bath. I have also found simple Vaseline to be way better as a post-bath moisturiser than any of the specialist emollients. This routine helps keep the condition at bay - but no way would anything other than steroids ever have got my children?s skin clear of eczema in the first place. And even now, I have to scan every inch of their little bodies, every night, to look for the tiniest patch of rough, inflamed skin. And if I find any, I put the tiny, tiniest little bit of steroid cream on that exact spot. This is the only way to stop flare ups. If one of those tiny patches is left untreated, no matter how much cream and gunk I dollop onto it, the patch will grow and the unrelenting march of misery will begin. The emollient routine at night helps prevent dry skin but ONLY steroids actually halt and reverse proper eczema if and when it appears. The result: my kids are exposed to really, very small levels of steroid, intermittently, and I have no concerns about side effects. (One large tube of moderate strength cream prescribed for one of my children, after they were free of acute signs, has lasted me over two years on three kids.) And they are eczema free. Which means they are not suffering, and they can SLEEP! (This is such a life-changer for them and me!) They are different children. Wish I had done it years ago. For what it is worth, antibiotic creams can be highly irritating to LOs skins. My GP recommended pure steroid cream and oral antibiotics if a flare up becomes infected. There is a NICE guideline. It is 100% evidence based. Reading it really helped me think logically about treatment and enabled me to spot the right advice from the right GP. You can get it at http://guidance.nice.org.uk/CG57 Good luck. I totally understand what your life is like. It really is an awful condition.