AbsolutelyGlorious

ianr: Oh no no no. Spinach wouldn't have done me any good at all, I can't stomach it, it gives me indigestion, always has done. I could've taken a packet of Rennies with me to neutralise the stomach acids, but what with that and the tins of veg it would get to the stage where I need an entire crime-fighting backpack. I spoke to the homeowner this afternoon to inquire about the type of milk stolen, and would you believe the impudent churl had the audacity to accuse me of being the one who purloined his milk. Well I reacted as you might expect in order to defend my honour as an upstanding pillar of the community, and after a heated exchange in which both parties said things they later regretted, I learned that the milk was semi-skimmed and of the organic variety. I've included this information in a formal written report of the event which I have submitted to the local PCSO officer. I'll let you know if he contacts me with any further information.

While returning from my walk early this morning I observed a hooded youth pinching two pints of milk from a property on Fenwick Road. I hollered and he ran off up the road, now I never thought I'd be the type to apprehend a criminal, but something came over me and I immediately gave chase. The thief took off in the direction of Peckham Rye common with me in hot pursuit. About halfway across the common I sensed the youth beginning to tire, even in the heat of the moment I registered surprise that this young bandit should tire before a 60 year old man. I put my vigour down to having a snifter of brandy before breakfast and before bedtime every day without fail, apart from one winter in '87 when the treacherous conditions meant I was unable to get to town to restock my supply for three days straight. Oh it was a harsh winter was '87. As I began to close on the youth I started to formulate a plan of action for when I eventually caught up to him. But then something unforeseen happened. The young thief removed the cap from one of the bottles and proceeded to drink from it. The effect was instantaneous - the master criminal was immediately reinvigorated, it was like a Legend of Zelda game. He used his new found energy to sprint across the remainder of the green, I lost sight of him as he ran down Solomon's Passage. Exhausted I made my way back home. Unfortunately I didn't get a good look at the boy, but he was young, about 5' 10" and wearing a red hooded sweatshirt, with a taste for skimmed, semi-skimmed or possibly even full fat milk. However, and here's the twist in the tale, as I returned home I stopped at the scene of the crime and noticed the youth had taken the two pints of milk, but had left a pint of orange juice, evidently he isn't one to get his five-a-day, perhaps this could explain his poor stamina during the middle stages of our frantic chase? I intend to contact the victim in the coming days to ascertain what kind of milk the thief stole.