Bryan Cocksedge

My best description of this shady fellow is of a hairy legged younger Wilfred Bramble with what looks like a tattooed ferret on his forearm. The type you'd keep an eye on if you ran a newsagents. Some may think this is a laughing matter but if he forced his wares on an elderly aunt or a timid neighbour I'm sure there'd be more of an outcry about the apple crumble.

I don't even think he's making them himself as it looks very similar to the extra large frozen packs you get in Iceland except he's sprinkled something on top to make it more authentic and then chopped it into smaller slices. If I see him again I've a good mind to make a grab for his paper bagful of crumble and fling it out the window.

Maybe you're right but some people might find it intimidating having a paper bagful of crumble waved in front of their face with a bit of sales patter thrown in for afters. The correct place for this kind of behaviour is in a bakery or at least on a little market stall but not when decent people are minding their own business on the bus!

I have just been accosted by a man trying to sell me apple crumble on the no 12 bus. He had it in a paper bag and I could see there were burnt bits round the edges so I told him to clear off. He muttered some swear words under his beath and then sold a slice to a woman sitting opposite. She took one bite and said it was disgusting. I think this man should be stopped before somebody gets food poisoning.

If you're wondering what all the early morning commotion outside Somerfield is about, the man who looks like Rod Stewart is waving a placard and screaming at the traffic that he's fed up being overcharged for dog food. He's called the papers and is threatening a sit down protest in the middle of Lordship Lane. All fans of Michael Douglas will recognise the uncanny resemblance to the first 15 minutes of Falling Down.

I had to pour a glass of cold milk over Dr Graeme Garden as he knocked on my window at 4 o'clock in the morning. It must have been one of those drunken pranks you read about in the papers.

I bumped into 'Dr Graeme Garden' again at around 11pm last night as he was leaving one of those new restaurants opposite the Rye. As chance had it I had an old copy of Radio Times with the famous I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue cover and pointed out his face sake. Turns out our Dr Graeme Garden lookalike is a heart surgeon at King's College Hospital called Henri who is originally for Lyon in France. We briefly talked about Dr Graeme Garden (Henri did not know much about him at all, but did recollect the radio 4 gameshow on prompting) and I did mention again that he could make some extra money for the retirement fund from the lookalike business. If anybody else spots him remember to point out his uncanny likeness to Dr Graeme Garden (albeit with darker skin and hair) and maybe we could have another tick on the showbiz roster in East Dulwich!

Has anybody else seen the Dr Graeme Garden lookalike walking his labradoodle in Dulwich park? He looks exactly like him except he has olive skin and darker hair. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him and immediately went up to him and said he could make a bit of extra money in the lookalike business as a Dr Graeme Garden. The man didn't even seem to know who Dr Graeme Garden was, in fact I think he was French from his accent. There wasn't even any reaction when I mentiond The Goodies!

I've reported him to Southwark Council but I doubt they'll do anything. He's a nasty man who doesn't care that children have to walk past his dog crap every day as he lets his dog go right by the school (just opposite the summerhouse referral unit)

As the clock chimes midnight. Between the junctions of Friern and Upland Road. John Pertwee's butch brother in bondage trousers will strike. Nobody's carpet will be safe from the phantom dog crapper.

The main culprit is the old nutter with the Springer. Just nobody wants to say anything to a 70yr old with 16 hole DMs and nunchucks.

Goodrich is terrible roughly 20 yards either side of The Stables

The perfect recipe. Slug and ale pie!

But so too will Fred Dineage.

It's a no from both Goodhew and Hilary Jones but the good news is we've got a 'definitely interested' from Fred Dineage who's prepared to eat a slug in front of assorted media and will do a voice-over in the rapping style to the amusing television advertisement. The former is dependent that the slug has been cooked thoroughly.

I have seen the extended advertorials for carpet shampoos on the less well viewed television stations. Although they probably are succesful in selling unusually branded cleaning products I would suggest that it would not be the case for culinary delicacies.

If for some inexplicable reason I do not get the engaged tone on the "dog and bone" I shall find out if either Duncan Goodhew or Dr Hilary Jones would be interested in performing a rap soundtrack over the amusing film sequence you have suggested. An excellent idea for a television advertisement if our plans come to fruition!

I suggest all interested parties form a business syndicate. We could then afford a celebrity, maybe Duncan Goodhew or Dr Hilary Jones, to extol the virtues of the East Dulwich slug. This surely would mean us receiving the media attention we so desperately crave. As Chairman of the syndicate I need to put my thinking cap on to work out a more thorough approach. Coincidentally my brother works for the PR company that handles the public engagements of both Duncan Goodhew and Dr Hilary Jones so I will get on the blower pronto!

If Living South magazine had the courage to print my diatribe against the possible introduction of a sap sucking nympth to combat the scourge of Japanese Knotweed you would be aware of my opposition to such schemes. Every time a ring necked parakeet defecates onto my garments drying on the washing line I clench my fist and openly curse Johnny Weismuller's decision to release the blasted creatures after filming a vine swinging sequence over Peckham Rye pond. We live with these consequences. The only solution to our slug preponderence is to serve them with a hint of wild garlic and basil. Surely with the current fashion for local produce The Magnolia would be interested in such an original twist on Mollusc munching? And local teenage tearaways could spend their time with bucket in hand collecting the slugs for five pence a piece, much better than them spending all hours sitting on my wall smoking their "doobies".

May I just point out that in my considered opinion East Dulwich is the slug capital of south east England. I am considering writing an opera about this issue but somehow I think the bigwigs at the Arts Council won't care much for such a homespun endeavour. How many times have you said to a passing old lady "Watch out for that dog turd" only to witness the turd sliver away? Indeed East Dulwich is awash with both slugs and dog turds and it is easy to mistake one for the other. The purpose of this posting is to enquire if there is any economic value to our wealth of slugs and would it be possible to create some kind of culinary equivalent to the French enjoyment of the Roman snail?

I saw a giant rabbit On the corner of Friern Road I tried my best to grab it But it hopped off as I strode Towards the enormous fluffy thing With arms outstreched I seethed It hurdled the fence with an incredible spring I followed it and heaved My bulk into Maureen's garden And ripped my shirt in the chase I saw Maureen at the window and said "I beg your pardon Is there a giant rabbit in this place?" "How dare you trespass" Maureen said to me "There's no giant rabbit here". "Sorry" I said and went home for my tea With hanky I wiped a tear For I love that damned bunny And I haven't caught it yet I'd gladly relinquish all my money For it to me my pet

Ganapati is brilliant 10/10. East Dulwich tandoori is my favoueite for takeways.

As if things couldn't get any worse, a fox has stolen my shoe.

I do hope these giant rabbit sightings are not linked to any North Korean espionage.

Apologies if I get this wrong but this link shows how truly enormous a rabbit can be. Could it be that one of these beasts is at large on Friern Road?