Ted Max

Salt of the earth spelling of cin?ma, there, Lou. Verite.

What would happen if you overlaid the OS Town Plan 1893-6 of London onto Google Maps of today? This. http://mapsengine.google.com/gallery/mapviewer?id=zs2aHyi7W8Ek.kggHTef2F49I&hl=en

60 ED parents wishing away half of their children's Easter Holidays. What is going off out there?

Yes. There was something cool but also amusing about seeing businesses and people you knew up on the big screen sandwiched between glossy national campaigns for things like milk tray and lilt. Milk tray multi million campaign. Allan's lawn-mower sharpening service. Lilt.

El Pibe - the minor local celeb. A key addition.

Those Seaton Delaval ones are good. Cool Northumberland.

There may be a cinema opening in East Dulwich. Whatever. Will there be, enquiring minds want to know, local ads? As a youth I would occasionally be dragged along to the local independent's showing of the latest Merchant Ivory for two hours' sleep. By far the best bit of the experience was the local ads: such richness of visual expression and hammer-subtle sloganeering, the audience craning for a glimpse of someone they recognised in the photography. I loved it. I suspect these ads were a common cultural language across the UK. Could they work now, in East Dulwich? I think they could. What we are after is an obsession with exactly how many metres from the cinema the advertised business is and, if possible, a slightly wobbly map with red footprint tracks showing the way from the cinema to said business. Ads to look for: Used car dealerships: Must have rows of gleaming cars on forecourt. Someone from the sex offenders' register (usually the garage owner himself) filmed taking a model of sports car not available at the dealership out for a drive to local beauty spots. Indian restaurants: Lots of stills of interior and exterior and of murky plates of food. Every single transition effect should be employed between stills. Music: generic plinky sitar. Voiceover: local (not Indian) accent. Pizza House/Cottage/Land/World: Chef should be shown maniacally lofting 12 inches of dough frisbee above his head. A lingering shot of the oven's gaping maw swallowing one of those long wooden paddles. Optional extra - over-long still of office Christmas party festooned in streamers holding up triangles of pizza to catastrophic dental arrangements. Voiceover style: near-bankruptcy frantic. Local fashions: Elegant women having elegant tea and elegant lunch dressed in the finest stylings of the provincial boutique. Marine/ yachting regalia if possible. Music: Vivaldi Four Seasons (Spring). Local family law firm: You, the couple in the back having the seething silent row over your kids' heads. This pathetic attempt to do something together as a family is fooling nobody. Pop along to Slaughter & Co for your divorce, will, school fees consultation after the show. Don't leave it until it's too late. Enjoy the main feature.

I love it when *Bob* goes a bit Open University. That's not snark, btw, I do actually love it.

Saw the burger episode which had the inexplicable Gizzi Erskine in it, obvs. On the evidence of that episode Russell is a craggy lot of common sense wrapped up in a cashmere v neck. The programme itself? Editing was strong on the "tease, tease, recap, trail, recap" format which seems designed for people who have destroyed their short term memories with reefer cigarettes. Also was one of those docs with a defined narrative arc that I felt the owners were aware of and wary of - but willing to trade in potentially looking like cocks for some free consultancy and publicity. Let me know if there's any chance I've over-thought and over-written this.

God! I will pack, and take a train, And get me to West Dulwich once again!

13 years? FUCKOFFITHAS. 13 years? I've got a voucher for a free starter, Tues-Thursday lunchtimes. Wonder if the lads in da Porcini will honour it? What about the curtain exchange - still hanging in there? I said is it still...oh never mind.

Is O' Sole Mio still there. Does the waiter still come round with his guitar singing, er, O' Sole Mio?

Release date June 1940. Context for June '40: Dunkirk evacuation just finished. Channel Islands bombed and invaded. Paris occupied. Interesting that this escapist propaganda (the English village as *God's gift*, "learning and loveliness" = England) still holds appeal.

Is the Prof a local? I may have to head to the Celebrities in Sainsbury's thread for confirmation.