Grandaughter nearly 6 crying missing mummy

[Kalamiphile]

She is driving me bonkers. If I sit for a few hours or a day, she spends the first half of time weeping cos she misses mummy! Just driven back from central London with her crying next to me. I don't want to be mean but I am getting fed up with it. Is this a passing phase? Mum is single parent and I am there every week for one after school pickup and occasional weekends for mum to have a break. Any help much appreciated 😨

[Mrs TP]

What tactics have you tried to comfort her?

[Kalamiphile]

Reassuring her, explains and outlining time scale, giving a hug, understanding sympathetically but firmly, everything apart from telling her off.

[LouieM]

What about trying an activity that only you do with her, something she really likes - swimming, sewing, baking, going for a milkshake etc. Agree with her mum that it's kept as your special activity and develop a nice routine. I remember my Nan used to cook fried egg and proper deep fried chips and always told me not to tell my mum. It was fun having a 'secret' I suppose. Good luck!

[Kalamiphile]

All good ideas but nothing is working. She does it on her visits to father but he has 2 boys that distract her. It's only after she had her misery will she engage with what I am offering when I have her for longer period than just a school pickup 😢

[bodsier]

A single parent and one child can often have a really close relationship. Particularly if the split is recent. It's a big adjustment. I am not saying firm is wrong. But Perhaps she is someone who would respond better to sympathy rather than firmness. How about trying something like this which helps her to identify her feelings, and distracts her.

"are you feeling sad, do you feel lonely without mummy?, you miss mummy sometimes don't you? wouldn't it be great if you could close your eyes and Crinkle your nose, and when you open them again, there was mummy! I know how you feel, cos I feel a bit like that sometimes, and do you know what I do, I think of something I really like to do, and I do that, like put stickers on my face, or make a cake, put a dress on my head, and socks on my hands, anything to make me feel better,"

At some point,hopefully she will laugh and the two of you can dress up in this way. This sort of thing worked miraculously for me whenever my child got upset. A bit of silly goes a long way if you are that way inclined...... If not, then simply helping her to identify her feelings can help soothe her.

[womanofdulwich]

That's a lovely post bodsier.

[uncleglen]

Could you involve any of her school friends in activities?

[Kalamiphile]

Thanks for all suggestions most of which as a Psychotherapist have already used! Hopefully it is just a phase, I wonder if loyalty is underneath her tears as nothing will distract and somethings make her angry! Sadly I live opp side of london to mummy so school friends not an option. Always resolves after a few hours just wondered if anyone had had same experience and found a way of avoiding/ resolving it. Many thanks

[bodsier]

How about helping her form friendships with other children in your neighbourhood? Maybe getting her into a club nearby, or introducing her to a neighbours child. Perhaps if she had a playmate at the initial stage of your time together, it might distract her in the way that her fathers 2 kids do?

[bodsier]

Thanks WOD

[Saffron]

There's probably not much point in talking to her while she's in a crying episode, except for comfort. Whatever the underlying reason, once the tears of have started you're past the point of no return for any type of reasoning. However, have you tried talking to her about the crying, when she's not crying?

Tell her that it makes you feel frustrated, ask her if she feels frustrated too? Or lonely, or tired, angry? Work on a plan together to help her feel better.

We are having a lot of tough days with Little Saff, 6.5 yrs, outrageous tearful tantrums over basically nothing. And I really do feel for her, because these emotions are big and very real to her... wailing and screaming outbursts over [take your pick] wrong socks/ misplaced toy/ disrupted tv signal/ mushrooms on the pizza/ cat stole my pillow (no joke!), etc. Sometimes she even says, 'I want to stop crying, but I caaaaaaaaaan't!' Life's tough when you're small, eh?

However, when she's calmed down, we have some very insightful talks about how crying does / doesn't help different situations, and other things we can do besides crying. She really likes to hear about 'big cries' that I had as a child, and how my mother helped me.

Little Saff also really likes role reversal, where I pretend (sometimes quite realistically) to be upset about something in a similar manner to Little Saff herself. Then she comforts me by repeating all the kind things I say to her when she's upset. I can tell that even though she's been crying, she's been absorbing all the things I've said to comfort her.

Honestly I've found from ~5.5yrs things have been quite hard emotionally sometimes, and I wonder if this is a difficult age culminating in a massive developmental leap? Around 7-8 yrs, children's capacity for logic and reasoning makes huge developmental strides. Maybe the emotional turmoil of the preceding years is related to these developmental milestones? xx

[bodsier]

I find that talking to them whilst they are crying does work as they listen more and cry less. It allows them to identify their emotions, and soothes them. This develops their emotional intelligence, which is something they don't learn at school. It's up to us to teach it to them. i think they really want to feel that you understand how they feel, helping them identify those feelings shows them that you empathise, you are halfway there, and making them laugh is the icing on the cake, it's truly a bonding experience. That's what I have found anyway.

[Kalamiphile]

Absolutely!

[twinsmom]

have you tried having mummy leave a surprise for her hidden that she needs to follow the clues to find? If it is a message, small toy or snack from mummy it may cheer her up to want to go with you and try to find it. Anything that is part of a game normally works as a good distraction in our house.

[Saffron]

Bodsier, re talking to a crying child, I'm making the distinction above between just being tearful vs a fullblown crying fit, which I would say is more like a temper tantrum in so far as they both have elements of irrationality and loss of control.

If Little Saff is just tearful, talking it through definitely helps. If she's having an all out crying fit, it's like an emotional short circuit. Excessive talking, except for very gentle soothing, just overstimulates her and make it worse. In fact, sometimes, we have to have no talking at all for a few minutes, because she gets totally overwhelmed*.

Which is why I think it's important to make a distinction. I've actually had to physically remove her from well-meaning friends who were trying to distract her or comfort her during a crying fit, to the point where their actions were unintentionally pouring fuel on a fire. When she's like this, it's also very hard to get her to laugh, and any attempts at levity usually make her angry as well as sad because she feels patronised.

So I guess the take home message is recognise how to make the right intervention at the right time. For us, we find that crying fits don't work well with reasoning, humour, or talking about feelings, though these are useful strategies if it's just tearfulness. Hope that makes sense? Not sure which is the case for the OP, if it's tearfulness or crying fits. Maybe a bit of both? Try all strategies and stick with what works for you. xx

*The interesting thing is that even when she's in a crying fit, Little Saff is still listening, she just can't act on what's being said to her. And that becomes a source of further upset and frustration.

[Kalamiphile]

Thank you for both posts Saffron which reflect my experience with gdaughter. She becomes beside herself and at that moment any reasoning is an aggravation to her. We help her to name her emotions and to think about there purpose when she is calm and can think rather than just feel. I really like the idea of hiding something with clues, especially if I can get it going before she moves into emotions! Many thsnks

[bodsier]

Absolutely agree with you Saffron. I hope it all works out soon for you both Kalmaphile.