Reward charts - do you love/hate them?

[Sanne Panne]

Still not sure what to think about reward charts. On one hand I really don't like the idea because I don't want my (2.5 year old) child to expect a reward for good behaviour (kids already have enough of a sense of entitlement at this age) but on the other hand I've heard great things about them and various mums have told me that the good behaviour you're using the chart for will eventually become natural and the child won't expect the reward anymore (and you can move on to the next issue you want to tackle with star stickers until your child is perfect hah!).

It feels a bit wrong. But maybe my instincts are a bit wrong. A big part of parenting is letting go of some of your pre-parental principles after all...

The behaviour I am thinking of using it for is "not beating up baby sister". My negative reactions to bad behaviour (naughty step, strong telling-off, denying her telly, taking her out of the bath etc) haven't really helped much, and "just praise for being nice" isn't enough to keep her from squeezing her sister just a bit too hard at least five times a day! The behaviour isn't extreme and I may be a bit over-protective towards the baby (6 months old now) but it's bad enough for me to want to do something about it.

How do you feel about giving stars for being nice to a sibling? Is it worth a try or would you just wait for the sibling relationship to stabilise naturally and hope the baby doesn't lose a limb in the meantime?

[sophiechristophy]

we had reward charts growing up, and we loved them! i think it is a great idea, you can always moderate how you use them by the reward that you choose. i think it is definitely worth a try. will probably distract your little one from the negative behaviour for long enough for your 6 month old to get a bit older and more able to defend herself!

[Saffron]

Sanne Panne Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> How do you feel about giving stars for being nice

> to a sibling? Is it worth a try or would you just

> wait for the sibling relationship to stabilise

> naturally and hope the baby doesn't lose a limb in

> the meantime?

Sibling relationships don't always stabilise naturally. A little positive parental intervention can go a long way! You can always give a reward chart a try, and if it doesn't work out, move on to something else.

[ryedalema]

We've used reward charts from about 2 years old (eldest is now 3.5) and have had massively good results. And you're right, she now displays the behaviours without expecting the sticker each time. We have/had items such as eating vegetables, caring for your sister, dry overnight pull-ups, cleaning teeth (without asking), tidying up, clean plates, staying in bed until the alarm....so plenty ;-) and they change as the behaviours cease to be a problem.

We always focus on the positive, so 'caring for sister' rather than 'not strangling sister'. although the issue was the same and it really seems to be doing the trick. Mind you we also had a money box which got us through potty training (literally spending a penny) and she no longer expects money for each (ahem) deposit...

So I guess you could say we're fans...good luck with what you decide.

Oh - and one last thing - we got her to help design the reward chart to start with, we decided the categories together and she decorated the chart with glitter etc and we did it at a set time each evening after dinner. Both the regularity of it and the sense of ownership as she'd 'designed the chart' seemed to work really well.

[Sanne Panne]

Sounds like it might be worth giving a try. Agree that the goal should be "being nice to S all day" rather than "not hurting her all day". And yes Saffron I was going to put a "yeah right" comment in the "wait for the sibling relationship to stabilise naturally" sentence but didn't want to sound more sceptical than I already did ;)

Still open to different or more of the same opinions and any tips/experiences you're willing to share!

[gwod]

I too have reservations about reward charts, but on tricky issues (all toilet related I think) I have used them.

I wonder whether a reward chart really would be effective for being kind to her sister. I think they work as an immediate prize for good behavior (ie wee in the potty = get sticker straight away) wheras rewarding for a few hours of pleasantness is maybe a bit too nebulous be effective. For example, if there had been an squeezing incident after lunch but she was lovely at tea time at which point she doesnt get her sticker for a "clean" afternoon, the message is all wrong, its maybe better to reward actual acts of kindness, a particulary gentle cuddle, or lovely sharing etc which no doubt you are already doing with praise and love and words. Maybe save the power of the sticker chart for something more black and white....

We found that telling our older children that they, like us had to teach the younger ones how to be kind and gentle, and thanked them for helping us when they were sweet with the babies. Also when the babies were smiley and cuddly and lovely we'd ask the older ones if they had taught them to be so lovely - behaving so beautifully, just like their older sisters. Its just as manipulative as the chart really isnt it, but it seemed to work for us!

Best of luck with it.

[sillywoman]

I never used reward charts so can't comment, other than to say lots of my friends used them - some liked them, some didn't. Not particularly helpful I know.

I just wanted to post something about the beating-up baby sister thing. I have been through this a few times and what I found helped was rather than use the "naughty step, strong telling-off, denying her telly, taking her out of the bath etc" approach , or the "just praise for being nice" I would do the "take the focus away from the bad behaviour" approach. This isn't as wishy-washy as it sounds. An example being, if both were in the bath & older one is rough or mean in some way to younger child. I would take younger child out, give them a lot of cuddles and fuss away from older one (though still in the room for safety's sake). I would completely ignore the child who had 'committed the offense' no matter what they were doing/ saying whilst giving a huge amount of fuss & cuddles to the victim. I might shoot the odd stern or 'sad and disappointed'- depending on which was appropriate- glance in the direction of the perpetrator. This method always seemed to produce good results very quickly as the older one just isn't getting any of the attention they crave, (and get with the naughty step, telling off stuff). So they quickly learn that it's pointless doing it.

Often the older child would want to talk about the incident to me later and I'd just say something brief but stern along the lines of " X is Mummy's child and it makes me sad when you hurt him/her. In the same way I would be sad if anyone hurt you. I don't like it when people hurt my babies". Keep it impersonal and move on quickly. The idea is that their behaviour is so obviously unacceptable in your house that you don't need to spend a lot of time discussing it . Anyway, sorry for the long ramble, but I remember well that " aaaargh, how do I handle this feeling" and just wanted to post another thing that you might try if you fancied it.

[Sanne Panne]

Gwod, you're right about it being difficult to judge whether she's been "good" or "bad" after a day with so many opportunities to be good and bad. She threw one of her slippers at her sister's head this morning and two hours later she actually gave her a toy out of her own initiative.

Sillywoman, I heard of this approach and even talked about it with other mums before having this second baby but somehow forgot about it again... it's the best possible fit for my own instincts (I just clearly can't turn those instincts into practical ideas myself!). Going to try it for a week and see what happens.

[cuppa tea]

I think issues with sibling rivalry are far more complicated than a reward chart could cope with to be honest. I've been having similar problems myself since my second child arrived so I understand where you are coming from. I feel that what reward charts are doing is manipulating the child to behave well, when really she is feeling totally the opposite inside. When a sibling arrives it must rock them to their core and they are probably doubting that we love them, which then results in some low self-esteem and then the attention seeking, aggression or whatever. It's a desperate attempt on their part I think to make it all about them again. I mean, who the hell is this new little person that's now number 1 and getting all mum's attention? I also feel in my case that a telling off etc also made the whole problem worse and he would take it out on his little brother. I tend to remove the baby from any potential swipes and try and distract onto something else, while trying to stay upbeat. Very difficult! The eldest needs to know that feeling aggressive and angry toward the baby is totally normal, and that you love them. Giving the eldest one to one 'special time' each day without the baby there has helped his behaviour. I think it's all much harder work than going the reward chart route, and probably takes alot longer, but ultimately I want my kids to genuinely get on and like each other and not because mummy is going to give them a gold star or buy them a toy. There are many years of sibling issues to deal with and imagine the size of the incentives when they are teenagers!