For Parents with teens - stance on alcohol?

[Angelina]

This is a new situation for me as my teen has moved back home after living with her dad.

There has definately been exposure to alcohol and I found out that she'd got someone to buy her alcohol recently when she was out with friends. She is of course too young. I have had one story form her and a different more dangerous one from a friend.

I'm thinking of coming down hard and establishing a zero tolerance.

I want to know what other parents have done and what has worked /not worked.

They are good kids but I think she is vulnerable. She disagrees and thinks it's just fun.

We've not finished our conversation about it yet. She thinks I'm over-reacting.

[treehugger]

What age is she? There is a big difference between 13 and 17 and how it is best to react.

[Angelina]

She's 15. So - too young anyway.

I've made my decision - I just want to know what other parents have done and if it's worked. We're going a full ban with consequences.

I think I was worried that complete zero tolerance would encourage secrecy, especially as some parents are less strict.

Just want to know what works/ doesn't work from others' experience.

And thank you for the PMs.

[Lula]

Be careful about banning it fully. This will probably lead to her to indulging secretly. My mum was very strict and I felt that I couldn't confide in her (about any teenage issues) because I knew she would disapprove. While I agree that you don't want to allow your 15 year old to get drunk regularly, can you encourage responsible drinking at home. Having a glass of something together with a meal and talking (without judgement) about why she wants to drink?

[bawdy-nan]

One of the problems you'll encounter is the attitude of other parents who have decided that alcohol is ok for teens - theirs and, surprisingly often, other people's children. Alcohol at 15 is dangerous. Young people's bodies and brains are still developing as is, of course, their sense of risk and responsibility.

Not drinking alcohol is best but keeping them safe and encouraging them to try and keep themselves safe has to be the ultimate aim. Picking them up from parties, talking to them about their plans, getting them to check in with you, knowing who they are with; talking to them about drugs and sex and how to get help; having a plan for it things go wrong; letting them know that you and their friends parents talk about what they're up to, sharing facts http://www.talktofrank.com/drug/alcohol, letting them (and their friend's parents) know the legal situation, etc all help. I know some parents who buy their 13 and 14-year-olds "lower alcohol" drinks (alcopops basically) which I won't do. Their reasoning is that ot means they are less likely to experiment with spirits. I say, hmmmmmmmmm.

Good luck!

[Angelina]

Thanks Bawdy Nan.

I think she was surprised by my boundaries, clarity of the consequences should she cross them - and calmness, mainly.

I'm hoping that she'll actually appreciate having these rules, and a way out (blaming me for being strict) should she be in a similar situation again.

[Pugwash]

Our kids were allowed wine (greatly diluted with lemonade) from around 13 years and only at our home. Shandy was permitted again 90% lemonade from around 15.

My eldest daughter (44) still horrifies pub landlords when she orders a Guiness shandy - her favourite teenage drink.

I too am horrified at the number of young teenagers I see worse for drink - doing shots, spirits etc but am also aware that if parents are too strict re alcohol there is a back lash and can result in secret drinking. If you prohibit things - it makes it more of a challenge.

Better to have sensible rules and discussions about dangers of drink/drug/unprotected sex, and also rules about socialising and what time expected home.

My eldest now has teenagers and has confessed that although she rebelled against boundaries that we set, she now recognises that these were necessary for her own protection and to promote maturity and good morals. Her own children have to conform within her boundaries.

[Growlybear]

Regardless of the legality issues, I think there are very few 15 year olds who do not drink to a greater or lesser extent when they socialise, and also a large proportion who experiment with drugs and sex. I found it difficult when my daughter was in her teens, and saw how a number of her friends rebelled when their parents took a very hard line. If a teenager wants to drink, take drugs, or have sex, they will always find a way of doing this, and will always have friends or acquaintances whose parents don't supervise them closely. We tried to take a moderate approach with our daughter and allowed her diluted wine with meals from her early teens etc, tried to keep on top of the friends she was mixing with once she started going out alone, and talked very openly about the consequences of drink, drugs, and sex. But we were also realistic and realised that, short of keeping her at home 24 hours a day, we could never have stopped her completely from doing things that we would not have wanted her to do - I also think it was also easy to forget how we behaved as teens. I'm sure that if we had imposed very strict sanctions when we found that she had been drinking, smoking etc, and been unrealistic about how a large proportion of teenagers behave, she would have rebelled far more. We found the teenage years were fairly awful at times, and I wouldn't like to go through them again.

[treehugger]

Angelina, I think you may be setting yourself up for a lot of aggro and arguments, unless your daughter is an angel. From experience, talking openly and frankly about what she and her friends are doing so that you keep open lines of communication and mutual trust is the better way to go about it. Very soon she will see one of her friends being taken to hospital to have her stomach pumped and this will horrify her so much that she will see the distinct disadvantages of alcohol (it does happen - and generally to 16 year olds who smuggle spirits into parties - you would be horrified at what goes on, when parents are unprepared hosts).

[Pugwash]

Another good point is to always know her friends or crowd she associates with as this will give you a good idea of they type of kids she hangs around with.

When our 2 were teenagers, we encouraged them to bring home their friends for music sessions in the bedroom, girlie sleep overs, etc. Our freezer was always full of burgers and pizzas - at one stage we had around 6 teenagers popping in to 'hang out' We got to know which mate was likely to want to get drunk and those who were more responsible.

My stepdaughter on the other hand - (her mother did not encourage friends in the house) consequently got involved with dubious types who encouraged petty crime and drugs. It took early motherhood for her to see sense.

[Angelina]

Thanks for your thoughts on this.

Of course a concern is that a ban will encourage secrecy, but it's the right thing for our family at this time - for so many reasons.

I can't actually imagine the day I will ever tell my kids that it's ok to drink. Let alone the day I give it to them myself.

Maybe when they're no longer kids, they will make that choice themselves.

Other messages I've had reveal parents who are equally keen to set boundaries and this all seems to be part of an open, loving and supportive relationship, which i think is a goal.

[Scruffy Mummy]

Everyone has different approaches and different things work or not for different people. As parents we make decisions that we think our best but we never know. Communication is key and being good role models for our kids is the most important thing.

[LouLouMoving]

One thing that would have helped me as a rebellious teenager who grew up too fast: rather than saying "no" to what feels like EVERYTHING, greatly encourage the behaviour you want to see. Reward it. Let her know she makes you proud. Find her passions and empower her to explore them.

I wish my folks had not let me drop so easily the things I enjoyed and excelled at (athletics) when hanging down the park drinking ?1 cider in secret became the cooler alternative. Such activities provide a healthy distraction and hopefully a social circle more focused on goals/achievements.

[Angelina]

Thanks LouLou,

I love your post and it's everything I'm trying to do with her - find activities and passions that fill any voids that alcohol normally replaces.

It's a bit like the lost time playing games on devices....there are so many more interesting things to do.

She seems quite happy that there are rules - almost that she doesn't have to face this decision on her own and has a response to any pressure.

Thank you for all of your posts