Horrible question - what to buy someone who's dying

[pebbles]

Sorry for the morbid question but a school friend of mine who has been very ill for a few years now has just been taken into a hospice and hasn't been given long to live.

I'm unsure as what to do, if anything?

Mr Pebbles thinks a donation to the hospice (which is actually where his Aunty died a few years back so we know and love it) and then write my friend a card, or do you think flowers would be appreciated (i've checked and they are allowed). She isn't eating so nothing edible.

Or do i just leave be?

Any advice muchly appreciated

[Fuschia]

Is she somebody you are in touch with off and on? Do yOu send Xmas cards, for eg?

[pebbles]

Absolutely in touch (emailing rather than seeing), not great friend but a definite friend - if that makes sense??

[womanofdulwich]

i think little treats like manicures and reflexology are nice- if you can go anddo it yourself that is even nicer.It all depends what the illness is- i have a friend who does reflexology to someone who is in an almost vegatative state, but the person paying here thinks it is doing some good.

[Fuschia]

I think flowers then and a card

But is there anything useful you can do for her family?

A letter of condolence sharing happy memories, Fter she dies, is very comforting I think

[pebbles]

she's not taking visitors apart from immediate family. it's bowel cancer and although she's awake she's very very weak and isn't talking very much.

i love the happy memories letter afterwards. when my father died i had a fabulous letter from one of his friends telling me so many fabulously naughty stories about him that i never knew and ever since then i've always tried to do a truly honest funny letter because no matter how much i was hurting, that letter made me laugh out loud and that was a good thing.

i think i'll do flowers so even if she can't appreciate them at least her family can?

[Ruth_Baldock]

Seconding the happy memories letter. My Father died when I was two, and his brother (and best friend) wrote ME a 17 page letter, for when I was older, all about my Dad- from little incidentals ("He hated Physics") to long winded stories about his adventures following Joy Division around the country. I was too young to understand what had happenned to him when he passed, but I still have that letter and re-read it frequently.

[Curly]

Do you have any children who could draw her some pictures to decorate her room? Or some photos of you and family with a little note saying you know you can't visit but you can be with her in spirit that she can put up. Or some nice music CD she can listen to - hospices usually have little cd players in each room. I hope you find something to send.

[The Nappy Lady]

Is she listening to music...if a CD player in her room could you do a mix of music she might enjoy & some that connect to your school days?

[pebbles]

oh i love the kids pictures idea - i'll get them making a mess tomorrow - she'll just adore them as she loves kids and it is definitely her biggest sadness is not becomming a mummy - thank you Curly. I think i'm going to do kids pictures and card from me.

Although it's obviously been on the cards, it has really shocked me to the core :(

[Pickle]

So, so sad :'(

Pictures from the kids are a great idea. I also think a donation to the hospice is a nice idea, it's something I've done in the past.

P x

[new mother]

It is awful. Words fail me.

I wonder if, given that your friend regrets not having children, there is any way you could show her that her legacy lives on. Eg that your child often refers to her or uses words she uses or loves a toy she gave him/her. Would that be comforting?

Tears now thinking about it- sorry.

[bluesuperted]

So sorry to hear this.

Another idea, if you can bear it and don't think it would be too upsetting for your friend, would be to use wordle.net to make a word collage of nice words that remind you of her (places, adjectives, funny words etc). I've made them for friends for happy occasions and they have always been well received as it's lovely reading what people think of you. If a word appears more than once in the list it appears bigger on the collage. The site is quite easy to use and you can then print out your word cloud to frame or just give as it is.

Hope this helps x

[jills]

I think all the ideas above are wonderful. Maybe the kids could make a bouqet of flowers to go with their pictures? Tissue/coloured paper blossoms, pipe cleaner/sticks for stems, set in a vase?

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Your thoughtfulness and time are a wonderful gift.

[Curly]

I hope you don't mind me saying this but time is of the essence. It can be very distressing to spend time preparing something and then she doesn't get to see it. Try to get it there very quickly.

[pebbles]

Thank you everyone for their very kind words and ideas. Curly - I totally agree, unfortunately time is of the essence.

The kids and I have therefore just taken a trip to the post box to post a lovely picture (lovely for 3 and 1 yr olds!!!) and a card from me.

My God it's times like this that I appreciate everything that I have got, I am one very lucky lady having Mr Pebbles and our healthy kids. I pray you are all lucky too.

Thanks again