Football Focus

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Here we are again

Happy as can be

Tottenham 1 Man City 1

Aston Villa 1 West Ham 1

Blackburn 0 Everton 1

Bolton 0 Fulham 1

Sunderland 3 Birmingham 1

Wigan 0 Blackpool 0

Wolverhampton 1 Stoke 1

Chelsea 4 West Brom 0

Liverpool 1 Arsenal 1

Man Utd 5 Newcastle 0

[Jah Lush]

[Easties EL]

Tottenham 2 Man City 3

Aston Villa 4 West Ham 1

Blackburn 1 Everton 3

Bolton 0 Fulham 0

Sunderland 0 Birmingham 1

Wigan 4 Blackpool 0

Wolverhampton 1 Stoke 1

Chelsea 8 West Brom 0

Liverpool 0 Arsenal 2

Man Utd 7 Newcastle 1

[????]

8-0 seems a likely score to me....City's squad looking very good and Spurs look ropey at the back

[*Bob*]

Hey 'lads'.. I've got a ticket to 'a match'.

So after next weekend I'm going to know all about it. Any tips? To help me 'blend in' etc?

[Jah Lush]

*Bob* assuming you'll be supporting one of the teams don't forget your rosette, rattle, bobble hat and scarf. Always remember the referee's a bastard and don't piss in anyone pocket.

[SeanMacGabhann]

The Fiver is in splendidly sardonic mode today

"It's great to be here. The Fiver thanks you. Your favourite daily tea-time email has been doing its annual Premier League preview for nearly 10 years now, so bear with us while we plaster on a fake smile and plough through this [rude word] one more time.

When it's not paraphrasing dead comedian Bill Hicks, the Fiver is generally doing one of two things: being resolutely unfunny, or sitting in a slightly less neon-bright corner of Big Paper office, clutching its knees to its chest, rocking imperceptibly and sobbing in anticipation of a new Premier League season.

Another campaign. Another nine months of having to listen to idiots complain about which team of indifferent money-driven foreign mercenaries were assembled for the lowest net spend. Of having to read sports pages that contain more information about leveraged buyouts than football. Of having to feign interest in Sir Alex Ferguson's latest hypocritical tantrum or the Big News that Zat Knight has been ruled out for three months with a mislaid shinpad.

Of listening to Andy Gray or Richard Keys say "it doesn't get bigger than this" as the players lined up in the tunnel at St Andrews shout "C'mon boys!" and Sky cut to an ad break just before the kick-off of Birmingham City v Blackburn Rovers. Like the posters on our sportblog who argue over whether Manchester City's sugar daddy is better than Chelsea's sugar daddy, we could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on. But unlike the etc and so on, we won't.

But away from all the hoop-la, once the players cross the white line and the football starts, things do occasionally turn interesting. Take tomorrow lunchtime, when Tottenham take on Manchester City in an encounter that hundreds of thousands of people are quite literally calling "a football match". But with a place at the Premier League summit up for grabs for the winners, it's so much more than that. You wait until MOTD2 the Fiver knows those wags among the support of both teams are getting hilarious top-of-the-table-after-one-game T-shirts printed at their local branch of Snappy Snap as we speak.

Elsewhere, title hopefuls Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United will be favourites to prevail in matches against teams such as West Brom, Liverpool and Newcastle, a couple of whom may get a result so that delusional Premier League cheerleaders can claim the competition isn't as predictable as everyone says.

Meanwhile Blackpool will attempt to get their inevitable relegation campaign off to a flyer by losing heavily against Wigan. "When we go there I can assure you I'm going to make it as tough for them as I can and I'm going to try to attack them because that is what I believe in," said Blackpool boss Ian Holloway, a manager who is funny, enjoys his football and insists his teams play it the right way, but will resemble a dead-eyed, burnt-out husk by December, when the bloated out-of-control behemoth that is the Best League In The World and its lapdog Sky have had their wicked way.

"

[SeanMacGabhann]

*Bob*

I am in absolutely no doubt at all that you will hate it even more than you do now.

Sorry

[red devil]

Funny caption Jah :))

Scores from the Manchester jury...

Tottenham 2 Man City 1 (SuperMario goes into his first strop because someone tells him the 3 gold stars above the club crest don't represent trophies...they just look nice and continental)

Aston Villa 1 West Ham 2 (Avram becomes honoury Cock-er-ney, until the first defeat that is, when the UP 'faithful' start baying for his blood)

Blackburn 2 Everton 2 (Just how football used to be played...:-S)

Bolton 2 Fulham 0 (Fayed cancels Hughes' Harrods Xmas hamper)

Sunderland 2 Birmingham 1 (Brucie wins a close one in battle of the ugliest ex-centre-halves)

Wigan 0 Blackpool 0 (Nuff said)

Wolverhampton 0 Stoke 0 (Ditto)

Chelsea 5 West Brom 2 (Baggies actually park their team coach in the goal, but forget to move it at half-time)

Liverpool 1 Arsenal 2 (Joe Cole realises he signed for the wrong team)

Man Utd 3 Newcastle 2 (late late late winner from Little Pea, showing his killer instinct in front of the goal, the ball ricochets in off his arse)

[*Bob*]

SeanMacGabhann Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> *Bob*

> I am in absolutely no doubt at all that you will

> hate it even more than you do now.

We shall see.

I'll be ascending via a lift to an executive box at the Emirates - for the opening match of the season at 'The Arsenal', where, so I'm told, free champagne and a 'posh pie' await.

It doesn't sound too bad on paper - apart from the football, obviously. But I'll be going in with an open mind.

[Jah Lush]

The Arsenal!!!! Oh *Bob* how could you? No wait. Hang on. They're playing at Anfield (that's Liverpool to you *Bob*) tomorrow. Are you watching the ladies team?

[Jah Lush]

Oh silly me. You're going next week aren't you? I do hope you'll be cheering for Mr Al Fayed's Fulham and not those ghastly blighters they call "The Arsenal." Boo hiss.

[*Bob*]

I'm told 'we' will be playing Blackpool.

[Jah Lush]

Well...whatever. We shall all be hastly awaiting your post match report (that's a review *Bob*) afterwards.

[red devil]

*Bob*, it's the done thing for home supporters to wear attire to welcome the newly promoted opposing team's supporters and make them feel at home, part of the Premier League's 'One Big Happy Family' initiative, so for this game make sure you wear a bright tangerine 'Kiss Me Quick' hat...'Squeeze Me Slowly' optional...stick of rock?, oh go on then

Warning: do not hold aforementioned stick of rock whilst shouting ''Up the Arse!''

[kpc]

Spurs 2 Man City 2

V*le 1 West Ham 0

Blacburn 1 Everton 3

Bolton 2 Fulham 0

Sunderland 1 Blues 2

Wigan 3 Blackpool 0

Wolves 1 Stoke 1

Chelsea 4 West Brom 0

Liverpool 1 Arsenal 2

Man Utd 3 Newcastle 1

[????]

*Bob* get there early, tooled up - squirt or blade. Wear Fabirouci trainers, the ones with the blue tag ONLY, eh and Aquumuutume two stripe zip top with ur old hippo logo pink polo - got to show them northern muppets eh? NO Booze...booze is for scarfers,,,,bit of Bugles alright. The scouts will be out early looking for their top boys, not the bleedin christmas trees or stragglers, just their Lads who know the score and want it. GET IN.

[Mick Mac]

Yes - Good Luck *Bob*.

Its no job for a novice.

[red devil]

*wipes away tear in the eye whilst reading Quid's Casual euology*...'ave it!

[Easties EL]

Soccee Saturday is no longer on freeview. Go **** yourself Sky HD.

[Mick Mac]

Soccee whoopee

[red devil]

YaYa signs for the Bitters and imemediately says he wants to return and play for 'the club of his life'

Ballotelli signs for the Bitters and immediately says he would have preferred to stay in Italy.

Don't you just love foreign mercenaries :))

[red devil]

Jah Lush Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Don't you fecking dare sign this French ponce!

>

> Say It Ain't So Harry.

Sorry, 'arry has said it is so...:)

[Jah Lush]

That will not go down well at White Hart Lane today. Anyway... it's back - Come on you Spurs!

[????]

Same old Feckin' crap :X