Sleep problems

[Monkey]

My two-year-old daughter who has alway been an excellent sleeper now wakes up several times throughout the night. It started about two weeks ago. She also insists on having the door to her bedroom open, which is also completely new. Anyone out there with children whose sleep patterns changed suddenly? How did you manage it?

Thanks!

[Fidgetsmum]

We've had a few changes over the years that my daughter has wanted - doors open, curtains open a bit, light on in landing, light off in landing, 'don't leave me mummy' etc. I think the reason we haven't had her change her good habits is that we haven't succumbed. I don't mean we've ignored her when she's seemed worried, but we've always firmly but kindly just said 'no darling, remember we always have the door shut, curtains closed etc because... and then given her a consistent reason. We've also always done the reward thing - 'if you can be a big girl and sleep with the door shut, like you always have (reminding her it's familiar and she's done it before), then tomorrow morning you can have x for breakfast, or you can come into our bed for a cuddle, or we'll go to your favourite park tomorrow afternoon etc etc.

Hope that helps. Ours has always been a brilliant sleeper, but when she moves the goalposts a bit, it's my sister who reminds me that they look to us for the boundaries ALL the time and that we have to remind her what the boundaries are otherwise the child can get confused - it's hard to remember when the child has naturally done something brilliant for

ages.

I should also say (or it'll seem like I'm a bit hardhearted!), it's worth checking there's nothing medical waking her (infections, illnesses, temperatures etc). Resetting boundaries obviously comes once you've established nothing is physically wrong with her!

[Fuschia]

My approach would be to listen to their needs and respond.. this is your child expressing a need to you, in the best way they can. I read somwwhere that if you don't listen to the little things when they are small, they won't bring you the big things when they're older.

In my experience if you try to listen to what they are requesting from you, and meet those needs as they arise, the child can then move on to the next stage of independence when they are ready

[Monkey]

Thank you all for your feedback. I have always been strict with her routine but got more slack recently so I think, Fidgetsmum, you're right on the button there. I will show your post to my husband!

Thank you again everyone.

[Fidgetsmum]

I re read my post and I think it looks a bit like I'm all routine and nothing else. I should explain, I grew up with just me and my mum and we moved house at least every year from rented to rented. I never had a comfortable bed and my mum had to work evenings and take me with her so I never had a good sleep pattern and was rarely in my bed before 10pm. Hence, I have struggled with my sleep into adulthood.

When I had my children, it was one thing I promised myself and them, that I would protect their sleep and ensure it was peaceful, deep and comfortable. They don't have nightmares, they don't cry when I put them down, they love their beds and bedrooms and I have never left them completely distressed. But, I've found a balance between giving in to their changing desires and protecting their need for good, long deep sleep.

[Monkey]

You don't need to justify yourself. You sound like a great mum. Giving them good sleeping habits is a gift. And I thought we were fine but obviously not. I have always been big on routines and this has worked wonders. I have been more slack recently due to tiredness and my little girl developing her mind of her own. Obviously I do listen to her and try and work what she's trying to tell me (I am unwell, I am cold, I have a nightmare, my teeth are hurting) but I am starting to think that she knows where the boundaries are and knows that when mummy's tired she can push them!

Thanks again.

[Saffron]

Some children will do better within the structure of a routine, and others will be smothered by it.

It's important also to remember that sometimes things go haywire with your child's sleep, and it has nothing to do with your routines or how well you listen or what you do/n't provide for them. Sometimes it's just developmental, and it's just a phase.

xx

[Ruth_Baldock]

We are currently slap bang in the middle of sleep problems with my son, who will be 2 next month. He won't settle in the evening or in the middle of the night, and will only settle if he comes into our bed. I feel like I'm being tortured, honestly. I'm putting it down to teeth/ sleep regression and being as consistent as I can, which is hard three hours into a shout-fest.

[jollybaby]

Could it be that as she is growing up, she's more aware of her environment and is perhaps a little afraid of the dark? I'm only saying that because I was quite scared of the dark when I was younger and used to sleep with my bedroom door open and the landing light on. I think this was until I was about 9 or 10. Would it help to buy her a night light or similar?

Rather than causing problems later on- this has actually been quite helpful. I can sleep wherever now - whereas Mr JB needs a pitch dark room.

[snowboarder]

JB - yes my 2.5 yr old always wants his nightlight on now having always had a pitch black-out blinded room. I kind of put it down to awareness of things and books talking about scary monsters (yep thanks Pip and Posy) etc. I try and be quite firm with some of the pre lights out procrastination but I think I can tell when he's really freaked out or just playing up...at the moment!

[duchessofdulwich]

My daughter will be two next month and since going into a big bed she has really changed. Our afternoon nap has completely gone and she climbs into our bed in the early hours of the morning.

[Pickle]

Around the age of 2ish my son (having slept in a pitch black room since birth) suddenly started playing up a bit at bedtime and saying he was scared of the dark. We bought a simple plug in "orange glow", problem sorted :)

I think it's important to listen to what the problem is, but at the same time not let a 2/3 year old "play" you. Given the chance, our daughter (coming up for 3.5) will come up with all sorts of things to delay bedtime (I need a drink/wee/tissue/blanket/cuddly toy), none of them anything more than a distraction technique.

[Fuschia]

Pickle Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

>

> I think it's important to listen to what the

> problem is, but at the same time not let a 2/3

> year old "play" you. Given the chance, our

> daughter (coming up for 3.5) will come up with all

> sorts of things to delay bedtime (I need a

> drink/wee/tissue/blanket/cuddly toy), none of them

> anything more than a distraction technique.

Agreed.

But how to interpret crying etc at night.. I tend to think it's a need that needs to be met

[Monkey]

Thank you all for your feedback. It's really useful and reassuring. She is sometimes playing us indeed - as my husband just reminded me she was very clear what she wanted at one point last night: brioche, milk and Cbeebies!:)

Thank you again.

[Pickle]

Brioche!? Love it :))

[Sanne Panne]

It's not always easy to tell the difference between delaying techniques and real fears. I'd say cut the obvious delaying techniques short because once you start there's no end to it ("do you have all the stuffed animals and dolls you need? No? Shall I go and get Teddy now? Are you sure you have everything you need now so you won't need to call me again for missing toys? And if one is still missing can it wait till the morning?").

I'm not sure if accommodating all fear/development based requests in the exact way your child asks you to is a good strategy as she may not know how to put her needs into words... even if you can't figure out what exactly is the root of the request you can propose a few alternatives to e.g. sleeping in your bed and see if your child reacts genuinely positively to the idea.

We always have a chat before we read the bedtime story when there is some kind of regression around going to or staying in bed. I usually suggest some "rules" to our 3yo, see how she feels about them and then we end the chat with questions to confirm that we agree.

"If you can't sleep what do you do?" - "I think about something happy like the beach and going to Holland to see cousins x and y and z". "And if you feel very sad even after thinking about your cousins?" - "then I call you."

"If you think it's too dark, do you call mama?" - "No I switch the light on and mama will switch it back off when she goes to bed"

"If you have a bad dream and you're scared what do you do?" - "I call you"

"If you're on the potty and you've done a poo what do you do?" - "I call you"

"Can you call me if you hurt yourself at night?" - "Yes! And when I have a lot of blood!" (no idea where she got that from). "And if it's just a tiny bit of pain from the scratch you got on your knee earlier today?" - "Then I don't call you".

Whatever the content of the chat, the "do we agree on what's ok tonight" reassurance seems to really help. I guess it depends a bit on your child's age to what extent you can rationalise about all this...

About the curtains and especially the door: we did give in to that because I think it has to do with fear of being left alone. But when she started singing in her room every night and morning, waking everyone up at 6:30am we told her that singing was fine but only with the door shut - just for the noise, not because we didn't want it open. If she wanted it open, fine but no loud playing. Once or twice we closed it because she was too noisy playing. Now we're back to closing the door out of habit and she doesn't mind anymore. It was clearly a phase. I think it passed faster because we didn't suppress it.

[Fuschia]

Sp: I love your bedtime dialogue!

What I meant about responding to

Needs was trying to find the underlying need and respond to that, rather than

Pander to all the little details ... Though lots of stalling at bedtime fr

Child no 1 when he was a toddler and I was working long hours was invariably code for 'come and lie in bed with me, mummy!'