Perfect age gap between children?

[newcomer]

I know that it's impossible to plan these things but, if you could, what age gap do you think would be the best between two children?

Ive been having this discussion with some of my friends and some seem to recommend having another ASAP before you get too used to sleeping through the night etc; others advise waiting til the elder is at school or kindergarten at least.

[ClareC]

I don't think there is a perfect age gap, they all have their own issues.

I've got a 15 month age gap between my two (eek). It was tough at first but now my youngest is 6 months it is easier, although not easy.

[womanofdulwich]

In terms of paying for childcare if you want to go back to work then 4 years is good IME. Also if you are going to be helping them in the future with university costs ( but who knows? ) then at least 3 is good too.

[Pickle]

No perfect solution to this really.

I have 16.5 months between #1 and #2 - quite hard at the beginning, brilliant now (they are 3.5ish and nearly 5), and got easier quite quickly as we could go to playgroups etc. that suited both of them. Downsides were two sets of nappies, two children requiring assistance at mealtimes, and also I was in the situation where for the first 6 months neither child could walk (my son was nearly 2 when he walked) which made it physically tough. One school year apart means they are now at school nursery and reception respectively so as a Mum you do all the hard work over a shorter time and then get a little bit of time to relax! They are very close, and jealousy has never been an issue as my son was too young when his sister was born.

I have my 3rd baby due in about 7/8 weeks time - so a much larger gap. Benefits will be that the older children will be able to "help" a little, and are much more able to do things for themselves if necessary - and also with them being at school I will get more time alone with the baby. However I'm very vary that jealousy could be an issue this time round. I have a brother that is 4 years younger than me, and I have vivid memories of how my life changed when he arrived.

[sillywoman]

From a distance away now so I'm looking back with hindsight.

My first two were 18 months apart. We had no help at all & my husband worked long hours. I think it was too close. I don't have much memory of my eldest's second year & she has no memory of having me or her Dad to herself. I wouldn't say she resents this, but she does feel sad about it. This wasn't expressed until she was older however so, like Pickle, if you'd asked me a few years ago I would have said there were no, or very few jealousy issues. However she & her younger brother are relatively close (given teenage disdain for anything family!), & again, like Pickle's two, they were very close as little ones, more like twins really.

There was 2 1/2 years and 3 1/2 years between 2 &3, then 3 & 4. 3 1/2 years was a killer. We were out of nappies and getting sleep. In the mornings all the children could get themselves downstairs and put cbeebies on - we even had lie-ins. To then go back to nappies and night waking and the constant observation that babies need was awful. Needless to say we haven't gone for number 5!

Overall I would say that 2 1/2 years was the easiest and best gap for us - all of us - and that has continued to be the case over the last 11 years. However, each to their own, & different circumstances (more money, more help) may have given me a different perspective.

[????]

We've churned our 3 out with two year gaps - get it all over in one go i say ;-) When I was young most of my peers (and me) were one of three, and the pattern seemed to be two kids then a big gap to number 3. Seems madness to me, just when you've got your life back a bit! But average age for a first kid for woman was something like 23 then whereas it's nearer 30 now so there's less 'space' to fit 3 kids in.

[Moos]

3 1/2 years has worked well for our two, One is protective of his brother and on the whole kind to him, Two adores One and thinks he's absolutely hilarious. But since Two is going to be a late walker, it will be a while before they can really play together, and meanwhile One is moving on. Personally, I was nowhere near ready with a very young toddler to go through pregnancy again, so the "traditional" two-year gap wasn't an option for us.

[????]

Yup - I kind of meant all together as in relatively near, 3.5 years is still within that. My younger brother is 7 years younger than my younger (18 months differnce to me) sister, so my mum and dad must have just got it - life/sleep/finances/er, other stuff:-S* back and then BAM another one.

*er, maybe that's why :))

[Otta]

2.25 years (to the day!) between my daughters.Toddler is quite demanding, so baby not getting as much attention as her older sister did. But I think it's a good age gap.

3.5 years between me and my older sister. We didn't really become close close until I was about 15.

[Fuschia]

5 years between no 1 and twins

then 2.5 years almost before baby no 4

Both gaps had their advantages from a parents point of view. And both have advantages for the children too...

So I can't really decide!

Having 2.5y means that clothes can be prety much handed down without needing to be stored for long in the shed!

[snowboarder]

We have just under 2 yrs...it's kind of fine, but I really think the character of the child(ren) is the thing that matters not the age gap itself really....

[lillyanginger]

3 1/2 years in age gap, 4 school years. For us that was absolutely perfect, no way I could have been pregnant again sooner...the whole ' first baby shock' was too overwhelming.

DS1 was ready for 'his' baby as most of his friends had siblings by the time our DS2 arrived. So he took to 'his' baby immediately and that hasn't really changed (they are now 10 and 13:)) Not too much competition either, 4 school years are a great gap.

[womanofdulwich]

i totally agree lillyanginger.

[Link]

I read extensively regarding this before having DD2 and it all came down to the individual energy level and future plans. My two girls have 18.5 months between them, with no family around and partner that travels a lot, it was hard at the early stage. The plan was to finish the program I was doing at the university, start maternity and had the baby. Took early maternity at 35weeks as I was loosing my head.

The hardest time for me was when the new baby was around 4 months old. Now they are 3.5 and 4.11, seeing them growing and learning together, I feel we have made the perfect decision in terms of the space between them and now it feels I am getting my life back on track...

Best wishes

[kristymac1]

Crikey, the luxury of being able to 'plan' the age gap - some folk are lucky I guess....

[Yak]

I was thinking much the same, kristymac1! We'd love another but took us a good couple of years the first time round. So if and when a second one happens we'll just have to manage the age gap whatever it is. I'm just grateful we had one at all!

[Fuschia]

I don't think anyone is necessarily saying they planned the gaps they have.. just commenting on how they have found it!

[Yak]

Oh, I agree,F. And it is fascinating to hear what different challenges and joys come from different age gaps! I was just trying to say that sometimes we don't know how lucky we are! I know when I was trying to get pg and would occasionally look in on the family room discussion conversations like this would upset me so there may well be people reading this in a similar situation.

Anyway....way off point of what the OP was asking. The current thinking in my circle of friends is that it's best to go back to work already pregnant with the second!

[Sanne Panne]

2 years gap working well so far here (1.5 and 3.5 years old so can't speak for when they're bigger). VERY hard work when the youngest was 6-12 months old: eldest's jealousy was kicking in and little one was still very vulnerable. But it's good in that you're done with the broken nights and nappies sooner. It's just more concentrated rather than spread out. Same for childcare costs.

but yes my mum who would have wanted the same age gap for us ended up with a 4.5 year age gap between my elder sister and me and that worked out very well as well.

[Link]

Thank you Fuschia for the comment otherwise it would have been unnecessary diversion from the main topic.

Everyone has some sort of plan so to speak, can't be set in stone as we don't have power to control everything in our lives and when it sort of worked out or close to what we anticipated we are happy and tons of other 'plans' never materialised, we move on and hope for the best.

[kristymac1]

Link Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Thank you Fuschia for the comment otherwise it

> would have been unnecessary diversion from the

> main topic.

Actually I think my point (happy to accept it was not very well made/bit reactionary) was very much in line with the main topic - there is no 'perfect' age gap and even if there was some text-book dictation, it would only serve to make those that can't meet that level of 'perfection' feel even more inadequate then they already do.

>we move on and hope for the best.

Good on ya......

[Fuschia]

I actually agree with km ... Dangerous to assume you can 'plan'

The perfect family

But what I was trying to say was that nobody was talking about the 'perfect' gap, even the opening poster ... Everybody was just recounting the gaps they had

But yes, of course we are all very lucky to have 1, let alone 2 or more, children

[Link]

Points taken ladies.

I remember when I fell pregnant with no 2, we invited a couple from the building to our flat to watch fireworks on New Year eve, on hearing the news of being pregnant, she was happy for us but could not contain her sadness for having miscarried yet again for the second time after getting married a year earlier. We all talked about it and shared history, she only then realised that I have been married 8 years prior to having my first child and in between given up hope and of course cautious of growing older and at the back of my mind, still want a child/children... Now the lady in question has since had 2 children a boy and a girl! The two kids have around 13 months between them! Her second child was premature and stayed at the hospital for a while, now a year old. Is the space between the children perfect for her, now that she sees them running about together?

Definition of 'perfection' differs greatly from person to person. What I am happy with may as well not be ideal for another person or even many people indeed...

[candj]

Agree with KristyM, planning got us nowhere! We have 3 with 2.5 and 3.5 year age gaps, respectively. Currently, older two girls either get on like a dream or fight like cats and dogs whilst the eldest (at 6 years older) is fabulous with baby brother and is able to entertain him for short periods of time. However, middle daughter had (has) severe middle child syndrome. I find they have less jealousy issues if they are closer in age and agree that they can be 'helpful' once they are old enough.

There was a thread about this not so long ago but it looks like Admin cleaned up again.

[newcomer]

Thanks everyone - it's great to hear the pros and cons of different age gaps.