Food preferences at dinner parties

[Fuschia]

I obviously get invited to the wrong class of dinners! Never been to an externally catered one.. unless you count the host calling out for a curry. But nothing wrong with that... if I have been invited to dinner or lunch at a friends I am just glad to see them. Would never quibble about the food.

I went out for lunch Sunday, actually, taking baby and Twin 2. The hostess (very well brought up person) texted me to ask if I liked blue cheese... I said I did.. she made a quiche half stilton and half turkey (as I am veggy) and did pizza for the children. I mentioned that twin 2 sometimes turns her noses up at pizza but go ahead, but added that she loves raw veg.. i know my friend's daughter does too.. in the end twin ate the pizza no fuss along with some crudites.

I then posted a pic of my baby and hers, onto my FB and we exchanged chat about how nice it all was.

I am sure that has satisfied everyone's sensitivities on this occasion!

[Saffron]

LittleEDFamily, case of the child at the adults' table... if it were my child, I think I would have just had the child sit on my lap, instead of asking everyone else to squeeze up. Or, I might have sat with my LO at the kids' table. There may be some ongoing reasons that you don't know about why the child didn't want to sit with his cousins, or preferred to sit with parents. One big table for everyone is nice, but not always logistically possible. In the end, however, it does fall to the hostess to be gracious about it, and the other guests should follow her lead. xx

[littleEDfamily]

Well you can rest assured, Saffron, I did not create a scene about it (does that make me gracious?), nor did I ever mention it to anyone there (just quietly seethed before mentioning it here). Perhaps there are deep and meaningful reasons for him not wanting to do as asked and mother willing to allow him his preference, but perhaps not (and based on my broader observations of the individuals concerned), most likely not.

I think guests have just as much of a need to be gracious as hosts. I was raised to respect the house rules when a guest, and in all but exceptional circumstances, I expect my kids to do the same.

[Saffron]

Bravo!! Yep, that's a tough one. It does sound like you were very gracious about it. :) It should definitely be a two-way street, as you say guest as gracious as host, but it seems as though there's always one who hasn't read the road signs!! (Must say I find it particularly annoying when the irritating guest is someone I'm related to, bring on more silent fuming grrrr!!!)

[newcomer]

This conversation does make me smile, as I HATE cheese (not sure if I have any actual intolerance, I just hate the stuff) so I am SO PLEASED when people ask "is there anything you don't eat?" so I can confess and therefore don't have to sit in front of a beautiful-looking lasagne, trying to work out how much I can hide underneath the salad or secretly pass to my husband without anyone seeing...

Re thank-you cards, etc. my rule of thumb is:

1) I send a card when (a) the invitation was sent on paper (i.e, a formal invite to a 40th birthday, etc.); (b) when it's a black-tie or formal dress event; © when I know the person sends thank-you cards to other people (and hence it is important to them); and/or (d) when the host made a particularly special effort in accommodating me (e.g., gave me a lift home, made a non-cheese lasagne, etc.). In these situations I might also send flowers or some sort of thank-you gift too.

2) Otherwise I'll send an email, Facebook message, or text, according to how 'formal' I think the event was.

However, I admit, I do think it's strange to 'expect' thank-yous, of any description.

RE your situation, littleEDfamily, it sounds like you handled things perfectly. The parent should def should just have sat the child on their lap, but never mind - it's best not to mention these things.

[newcomer]

This conversation does make me smile, as I HATE cheese (not sure if I have any actual intolerance, I just hate the stuff) so I am SO PLEASED when people ask "is there anything you don't eat?" so I can confess and therefore don't have to sit in front of a beautiful-looking lasagne, trying to work out how much I can hide underneath the salad or secretly pass to my husband without anyone seeing...

Re thank-you cards, etc. my rule of thumb is:

1) I send a card when (a) the invitation was sent on paper (i.e, a formal invite to a 40th birthday, etc.); (b) when it's a black-tie or formal dress event; © when I know the person sends thank-you cards to other people (and hence it is important to them); and/or (d) when the host made a particularly special effort in accommodating me (e.g., gave me a lift home, made a non-cheese lasagne, etc.). In these situations I might also send flowers or some sort of thank-you gift too.

2) Otherwise I'll send an email, Facebook message, or text, according to how 'formal' I think the event was.

However, I admit, I do think it's strange to 'expect' thank-yous, of any description.

RE your situation, littleEDfamily, it sounds like you handled things perfectly. The parent should def should just have sat the child on their lap, but never mind - it's best not to mention these things.

[sarahf]

Strangely, I found this post whilst searching for baby class suggestions and although I think that the topic has been exhausted, I have a stationery company and am endlessly fascinated by etiquette and good manners. I love sending and receiving cards and letters (hence the career choice) but appreciate that it's not for everyone. Certainly, I've received cards that have been less meaningful than a thoughtful text or email. In fact, my brother-in-law sent a thank you card after he stayed for 4 nights over Christmas (we always have both families here for Christmas)that was addressed to my husband and failed to acknowledge me - despite the fact that I had done all the cooking whilst trying to look after our colicky son. It's April and I'm still cross!

I really like newcomer's rule of thumb - that works for me. Also, I think that Saffron's 'text first, card later' is more than acceptable. It's nice to say 'thank you' immediately and a text is guaranteed to arrive. Embarrassingly, I have had a couple of cards that have gone astray in Royal Mail (one finally turned up 4 months after the lunch!), so at least a text, email or FB is a bit more timely!

As a lot of the posts suggest, a good host looks after their guests. If we cannot open our doors with grace and warmth, then it's best not bother. However, I do think that there is sometimes a lack of good guests. In my book, stating a wine preference (new mother - am assuming that he said that he only drinks first growth claret as opposed to saying that red gives him migraines?!) is rude. My theory is that it's sometimes hard to be a good guest until you've been a good host. Until you have run around like a headless chicken: re-making a failed meringue, dashing out for a missing ingredient despite having spent a fortune in the supermarket with a cranky baby, setting a table etc. etc., you will never truly realise how awful the sound of the phone is when two guests call to cancel with an hour's notice.

Whilst on my soapbox, 'bad/unthinking guests' seem to be particularly prominent at weddings, especially when there is a 'no children' policy. I am amazed by people who become emotionally manipulative or incandescently angry when they discover that their children aren't invited to a wedding. Whose day is it anyway? When did we suddenly become so self-important that we thought that we could tell a couple how to have their wedding?

My business partner found a line in an old copy of Debrett's that stated: the essence of good manners is to make everyone feel at ease. I think that's perfect. Etiquette can sometimes feel too stuffy and, quite frankly, pointing out that someone isn't following etiquette is very bad manners! However, as Saffron eloquently says, good manners are reciprocal.