tell me about trantrums.... best approaches?

[mima08]

Hiya,

My 17months old son has always had a very strong personality - but in the last few weeks his insistence of "my way or the highway" has reached new extremes! He is as sweet as can be - as long as he gets his way, always. Obviously, that is not an option and we are being firm about saying no & acting on it, too.

But I wonder how much of the boundry setting he can actually understand? I know he does understand if "threat" and action are immediately linked - e.g. when I tell him not to bang a toy on the table and he keeps doing it, I tell him that I'll take it away - and he appears to understand that concept (and I take it away if he carries on regardless). But when we are out & he throws a strop, saying that we'll go home - he does not appear to realise that his behaviour is linked to the going home... What do others think/ have experienced?

Secondly - how to deal with the actual tantrum? I've read to ignore the tantrum until it's passed, then offer cuddles etc - but it sometimes appears that he gets himself so much in a tantrum that he does not know how to "switch" off, i.e. to get himself out of the hysterics - what are good approaches to help him?

Any wise thoughts (and amusing stories???) would be appreciated :)

mx

[jennyh]

No wise advice a I'm in s similar boat with the same age and lots of hitting and slapping thrown in..will read the responses with a lot of interest!

[Saffron]

Fuschia posted this link a while ago about tantrums:http://m.npr.org/story/143062378?url=/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams . It made a lot of sense to me.

From this thread: http://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/forum/read.php?29,854520,854745#msg-854745

[mima08]

thanks for the reminder, Saffron - I now remember reading this at the time...

"tantrums are no different than thunderstorms or other natural phenomena" - well, they certainly feel like it in this house!

Any suggestions on how much a toddler at that age can understand about behaviour and consequences?

[ClaireinSE22]

Hi Mima,

And like natural phenomena I think tantrums are sometimes inevitable AND nothing to do with your parenting. IMO at 17 months your child is pretty much still a baby and the boundary setting stuff is lost on him. I firm 'no' might work but 'if you do this...this will happen' is too much for him at the moment.

My best tips to avoid melt downs are avoiding hunger and tiredness and get online to do your shop!

[MichelleT]

Reading an interesting book called Letting Go As Children Grow by Deborah Jackson (of Three In A Bed fame). on the toddler years, she posits that until children are 3, there is very little point in trying to discipline them as they can't understand. They act on intent, not volition, and have no impulse control.

As Claire says, I try to avoid hunger and tiredness, and remind myself that he isn't trying to give me a hard time, he is having a hard time. Now he's nearly two and rapidly gaining language skills, the meltdowns are fewer and farther between as he can tell us what he wants and doesn't get so frustrated.

[oimissus]

I think you have to keep reassessing all the time - Miss Oi has good language skills and I think sometimes I make the mistake of upping her understanding skills because of it - then realizing I'm not being fair with my expectations of her behaviour, which is becoming increasingly more wilful, shall we say . . . ! I know it's all testing the boundaries etc - but I wish she'd test someone else's sometimes!

(btw, has anyone else lost their edit function, to use itals or bold or whatever?)

[Sanne Panne]

Oimissus I agree about reassessing all the time (and yes now that you say it, my formatting buttons have gone too). We had fairly mild tantrums (or maybe just frustration fits) that often ended quite quickly if I would hold our girls very tightly, like a strong hug, saying sweet reassuring words and trying to distract them after a while. But maybe they weren't real tantrums so I'm not sure if this would work.

[mima08]

Hiya, thanks for the posts. I agree on the reassessing - and he certainly understands that some of his actions have reactions (testing, testing, and - again testing). He amazes me sometimes with the things he does understand (like when I tell him that he has to wait before going out because I have to put my shoes on - he turns, hands me my shoe & starts off to the door) but I am sure I'm guilty of expecting too much. Thanks for the reassurance - I did think more complex forms of disciplining (like going home when he is having a tantrum)were too early - just wanted to hear what others are doing. Come on those language skills!

mx