talking about death with children

[Belle]

Interested to know everyone's approach to this - how/when - (though am guessing most, like me, just kind of wait till it comes up or the child asks). We've had a few chats about death in the past as both my sons' granddads are dead. recently it's become clear he's a bit confused & thinks it's like washing dirty clothes i.e. at some point they'll be ok again. He's not quite 4 so obviously pretty young to get the concept...I have used a line a friend uses, about people's bodies stopping working, it usually being when you're v old etc. But just now he's been asking me, do children die, do all the people die, will I did - so of course I've had to be honest but in as reassuring terms as possible. He was very upset though seems to have now refocused on Peppa Pig so clearly not that upset.* scratch that - just asked 'do people really really not come back to normal?'

Just curious to know how/if everyone else is dealing with this?

NB am v studiously avoiding talk of heaven etc, for a number of reasons. he's already gone through a phase of thinking his granddads have just moved to a new house (!) - quite like that metaphor actually!! Sorry if this has been posted on before, didn't fancy a search for 'death'!

[Lacey]

We are currently going through this with our 5 year old having had a recent bereavement in the family. There's a lot of guidance on the Winston's Wish website - more for how to support children who are grieving but you might find some helpful stuff there (and they have a reading list of books for different age groups).

We have bought the book Badgers Parting Gifts which was recommended to us by a few people.

Some of the useful stuff on the website is eg try to avoid using language like passed away or that someone died in their sleep, or that they are looking down on them (eg children may be nervous they might be seen being naughty!)

Sorry, I know its not a response to your actual question but may be worth looking at the site.

[Lochie]

My nan died in the summer and O knew her quite well as she used to come and stay quite a bit (knew her as 'Grand Nanny'), and they got on very well. It was very odd as O sensed when she passed away (she lived in Liverpool not London so he was not exposed to watching her deteriorate etc and her funeral was up north) and kept asking 'where is grand nanny, when am I going to see Grand Nanny' etc, whereas he never asked this before. My mum just said that she was very old and got very tired and had gone for a very long well deserved sleep and wouldn't wake up as her body was so tired. And this is the line I have taken with the 'death' subject since.

O has only just started to say 'dead' i.e. 'is he dead, why is he dead etc', I think he is grasping this because of watching so many Disney films which can feature death. Today he watched the Lion King (for zillionth time) and asked if Mufasa was dead and why he was speaking to Simba from the sky. I actually do say that people go to heaven. I am agnostic and not at all religious but I feel trying to explain that life is finite is too much, although obviously we are 9 months behind you. I don't think there is any harm in talking about heaven but depends on your view point.

Sometimes I think the whole 'God' thing can serve its purpose. I want my children to form their own views on God, but I do remember my athiest parents telling me as a child when there was a thunder storm, that it was just 'god moving his furniture around', and finding this rather comforting!!!!

p.s. there is a lovely book my Mum bought not directly about death but about the fact that even when Mummy/Daddy are no longer 'here' anymore they will always love you (characters are foxes and its aimed at 3 years +)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/No-Matter-What-Debi-Gliori/dp/0747563314/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1357761531&sr=1-1

Although may cause even more Qs!!!

** actually I just went away and thought about this and reckon the whole 'gone to sleep' thing is only going to create more questions in months to come...so probably not the best advice...

[canela]

interesting post

what you say to your child about death is obviously going to be coloured by what you yourself believe. i have had long conversations with my son from the age of 4 onwards about death, God, souls etc - and he has had a bit of a mishmash of ideas based on my own, my partner's and our little forays into religion. now i am wondering whether he would benefit from talking about these things with others too, and so we might wander off to the quakers someday. we already go to buddhist things (as I said, it's a mishmash).

Some people - including children - are just really interested in this stuff. One of my earliest memories is playing God and Buddha on our climbing frame. I was blessed with a very understanding Anglican vicar for a Grandfather who taught me that everyone has their own variety on belief (he didn't go for the Virgin birth...). I also remember asking my Mum to teach me how to find my third eye and how to meditate. Although she is very anti-religion herself she did the best she could!

if your child is asking then he has noticed death as something that goes alongside this thing called life he is just starting to get to grips with. not easy for anyone.

i do laugh at some of our conversations though. my son is of an investigative bent, and we once spent an afternoon discussing if vegetables and fruit had souls! i don't pretend i know the answers....

[bishop]

My son has just turned three and has recently started asking about death; mainly because we were stuck in traffic over the Christmas period, right outside a graveyard and he asked about it.

I find it really tricky because we don't have religion/heaven to fall back on when explaining it, which is how me and my husband had it explained to us. We're a mixed house in terms of religion having both had religious upbringings which we've since come to feel kind of 'meh' about (my screen name references the pub, nothing to do with anything church-y, sorry).

We have explained that people die when their bodies can't work so well anymore, but we have been steering clear of 'going to sleep forever' because our boy is already scared of going to sleep. We have said that we will all die one day, and he was fine with this until he asked about his sister and said 'But she only a baby!!'.

My father died when I was very young, in a bit of an unusual/difficult to talk about way. My Mother was always very honest with me about it, and always answered my questions on it with brutal honesty. Some might think it's a bit inappropriate that a four year old could say 'My Daddy's funeral was a long time after he died because of the inquest', but it worked for us.

In short, I haven't a clue either and I'll be watching this post with interest.

[Goodliz]

My brother died when I was 6 and I can remember asking my mum 'when is Michael coming home?' - he was in the Navy so we were used to him going away. As my family were pretty religious my mum used to say 'he has gone to Jesus and won't be coming back'. Even though she said this I'd forget and then ask again. It must have driven her mad.

My children go through phases of asking about death and have done for a good few years. Eldest is 8 and youngest 5. They went through a phase of constantly asking my mum about my brother and also about my Dad who died when I was an adult.

I've asked her if she minds when my children ask her about my brother and Dad and she said she would rather talk about them than them being forgotten.

I think children are pretty matter of fact talking about death and can take the honesty and don't get sentimental. I've tried to be as honest as possible about it. The main questions I've had have been about how they died. They seem to want the facts.

[caz6868]

hi there,my dad passed away 4 yrs ago and my then five yr old was with us at the hospice the night before he died.she made him a loveheart sticker and climed on the bed and stuck it on my dads chest.when we were leaving i looked down to her and said.you know you won't be seeing grandad anymore ..she replied "i know grandied is going to die". i was upset for her.but thought its a hard world and she will get through it.we involved all the grandchildren at the funeral.loads of beautiful poems.any way a year later we were all at my dads graveside laying flowers to mark a year since is death and my daughter piped up "when are the rest of the people coming" i laughed and explained you only get one funeral.my family are very fun loving humourous people and involve our children in a little jokes about the people we have lost in our family.we go the cemetary often and water and clean other graves my daughter likes tending to them and caring for them.no matter how we try to tell them you always feel as if you have confused them..but alas they understand more than we think.

[BellendenBear]

Another recommendation for Winston's wish and also the BBC website. Both give good guidance and an understanding of what children are capable of understanding about the finality of death at different ages.

[gwod]

I think you are right to just answer qustions as they arise with whatever you really beleive is the truth, the child naturally asks for and accepts information at a rate they can manage. Part of how they feel about this new information is in how you deliver it, If it comes across as a new tragic truth it is worrying to them but if you just answer in the same tone as you would answer questons about what is for tea or what you did at nursrery today, the child shoudnt be too alarmed. What I have found trickier is explaining untimely deaths, such as children or babies or their friend's parents...then the "they were old and tired" doesnt work and we ourselves are struggling to find answers, I have only been able to assure them its very rare to minimise any fears that it could happen to them or us...but I dont think its possible to make it feel completely OK for them in those circmstances.

[Saffron]

I sometimes think it's one of the sad things about city living, that we can become removed from natural cycles such as life and death. My grandparents had a farm, so for my mother the idea of death was always a very matter of fact part of life. As a child, I was instilled with that, and also a Christian view of God in Heaven. Even from an early age, I found the matter of fact approach made more sense and did not like the vague (as I saw it) ideas of God/Heaven.

Little Saff had a very literal introduction to the concept of death around age 2, when our large and much-loved sucker fish died. When I saw the fish dead in the tank, I was so upset that I phoned Mr Saff at work and blubbed down the line, "Suzy Suckerfish died!!!!" This sparked off a series interesting conversations about what happens when something dies and where it goes physically.

I took the literal approach, eg things that are dead don't eat or breath or move or feel etc. (If people tell her differently, I always try to offer gentle correction, eg dead people are not really sleeping.) I told her it's ok to feel sad, but that we can also be happy when we remember how beautiful Suzy Suckerfish was. We always concluded our conversations by me saying that Suzy Suckerfish "returned to the earth from whence she came" and that now she is once again part of everything. (Ashes to ashes, the only Christian bit that ever made any sense to me as a child.)

Mr Saff and I are not religious, so I try never to mix religion with life/death issues (possibly also because I found this confusing as a child). But we do talk about other people's religious beliefs. I try to be literal about this too. I tell her that different people believe things because they are comforted by those beliefs, but that no one really knows. I pitch her philosophical answers about faith and religion just slightly out of her depth and let her ponder them. She likes this.

BUT- There's an important distinction to make about children understanding the life-death cycle, vs children who are actively grieving. If we lost a close friend or family member, I think I would seek some additional advice about grief support/counselling for children. The understanding of death and the process of grieving are two distinct things, even though they are related.

In any event, no matter what I do, one day Little Saff will probably tell her own child that I gave her all kinds of "crazy" beliefs about death or religion. Sigh. As parents, we can only do what we can do. xx

[Belle]

Thanks all for t hese very useful and interesting responses. I did check out Winston's Wish website which had a few good points I've used.

Am still struggling a little as my son is now periodically saying 'but I don't want all the people to die!'. And of course, he's particularly concerned about members of the family dying, especially his little brother. I've tried to be reassuring but honest - i.e., for most of us we'll be old/have been ill first, and it's not like everyone dies at once (because I think that's how he was imagining it!), but of course I've had to honestly answer his questions like 'do babies die' (yes, not very often, but they do and it's very very sad). But I've stopped short at talking about spirits/souls -I guess I do have a vague idea of wanting to say death is not necessarily the end, we carry people with us and people have different extents of how far to take that concept, but I just can't get my head around saying that to a nearly 4 year old! And I don't want to impose my ideas too much. He is very literal and one previous misunderstanding over heaven (not a concept introduced by me!) led to him thinking his dead relatives live in Canada, as he'd heard us saying someone called 'Evan' lived there!!

[SarahG]

Maybe concentrate on supporting him when he mentions things like 'not wanting people to die', but then moving on to something else, possibly he's continuing to bring it up as he's confused and trying to make sense of it all, so I wonder if just 'me too, but everything's ok, now- shall we get those trains out' might show him that you are happy to converse with him about it, and perhaps a nice cuddle or kiss as you say it, but its not something that people need to worry about too much.

If you wanted to give him something else to focus on, perhaps looking at the stars in the sky and thinking of anyone who has died can be a nice way of looking at death in a slightly more abstract way... Not sure, just some thoughts. I guess the ultimate aim is being honest, factual, supportive and appropriate for his age really!

Good luck!

Sarah

[oopsithinkthatwasme]

Although it is about a cat, Goodbye Mog is an excellent book in my family's opinion. Although I find it terribly sad and have to hold it together while reading.