Jokes

[tedfudge]

I went to see my doctor yesterday and he told me I need to stop masturbating

I asked him why ? And he said because I'm trying to examine you

[Spartacus]

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with tennis - and I'm too old.

I said: "I'm only 40 love."

[Planetsally]

What’s the best toy for a clingy kid?

Lego

[malumbu]

Talking rabbit goes into a bar and orders a drink and asks about food. We have cheese toaties, ham toasties, and ham and cheese toasties. Lovely replies the rabbit. I'll have a cheese toatie.

Next day the rabbit goes in and orders a ham toastie.

And the day after a ham and cheese toastie.

A few weeks later, the rabbit has not returned. Anyone know what happened to that talking rabbit asks the barman/lady? A local replies that sadly the rabbit has died.

Oh that's a shame says the barman, of what?

"Mixin m' toasties"

Worth a long build up and practicing the punchline

[Spartacus]

Brrrrr it’s cold !! 🥶

This morning a skeletal hooded figure helped me scrape my car windscreen.

It was only later I realised I'd been de-icing with death...

[teddyboy23]

6 dwarfs in bed feeling happy so happy got out .

[Spartacus]

What's Snow Whites favourite drink?

Seven up !

[Spartacus]

Just received my Secret Santa gift; a pair of mittens.

I’ve got an idea who bought them for me but I’m not going to point any fingers…

[tedfudge]

Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

[tedfudge]

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

[tedfudge]

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango

[Alan Medic]

Five surgeons are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Belfast City Hospital, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Antrim Area Hospital, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is co lour coded."

The third surgeon, from Royal Belfast Hospital , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Musgrave Park Hospital "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Ulster Hospital, Dundonald , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Tory Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’

[Spartacus]

I gave my son six pieces of cardboard last Christmas.

He asked ‘What’s this?’

I replied ‘It’s an ex box...’

[niall]

i bought a dog from a locksmith down the pub,

...as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

[teddyboy23]

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman. Snowballs

[SpringTime]

Haha!

[SpringTime]

What's a bounty hunter's favourite cheese?

Boba feta

[Spartacus]

A Farmer went out in the snow one morning, to tend to his cows and found them all frozen.

A woman was passing by

she breathed on them and each one defrosted.

The farmer said to her, “Are you an Angel sent from heaven?”

“No”, said the woman,

“I’m Thora Hird!”

[zenoria65]

What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt....

[zenoria65]

Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

[teddyboy23]

A. Bear and a rabbit side by side in the forest, doing a number 2 . bear turns to the rabbit and saids when your done does the number 2 stick to your fur.rabbit saids no.so the bear picked the rabbit up and wiped his arse with him . Edited December 13, 2022 by teddyboy23

[Spartacus]

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble….with emotional attachments!

[teddyboy23]

Just watched the Scottish film version ,of silence of the lambs. Its called shut up ewes .

[tedfudge]

Keep them coming people I'm having a good laugh at these

[teddyboy23]

Me and my girlfriend had a really good relationship, until we bought a waterbed, a few weeks ago.now we've just sort of drifted apart