Jokes

[tedfudge]

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

[tedfudge]

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt

[Spartacus]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to donate blood.

The rabbit says, I think I might be a type-O.

[teddyboy23]

2 cannibals eating a comedian one turns to the other and saids ,here does he taste funny to you

[Jah Lush]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down house ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.

“You talk?” he says.

“Yep” the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well. I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”

“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.”

[Spartacus]

Scientists have discovered the first two people on earth were Cockneys.

Would you Adam and Eve it?!

[Spartacus]

A White Horse walks in to a bar and the bar man says "funny we've got a whisky named after you"

The horse replies "a whisky called Gordon?"

[tedfudge]

There are some excellent jokes on here people of dulwich ... I appreciate those that are contributing to this jokes section and I hope that we are making people laugh and smile...

This is no joke

[tedfudge]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

[Spartacus]

I went to a meeting of the ‘Chesney Hawkes Fan Club’, very poor turn out.

I was the one and only...

[teddyboy23]

Teacher in class saids can anyone give me a sentence with the word. Contagious in it. Little Rosie saids my little brother got the flu from someone esle because it can be very contagious .teacher saids well done Rosie anyone else .little Jonnie puts his hand up miss miss I known .teacher saids go ahead Jonnie. I over heard my dad telling my mum,about the man next door whoes building a two storey extension on his house all by himself.and my dad said its going to take the contagious

[Twoddle]

I can feel the Tim Vine vibes in some of these jokes.

The train arriving at platform 1..., 2..., 3..., 4..., 5... and 6.....

is coming in sideways.

[DulwichFox]

Mrs Christmas is looking out of the widow,

Father Christmas asks her "What's the weather like ?

Mrs Christmas replies "looks like Rain Dear"

[Spartacus]

A man goes to the Doctor feeling unwell.

After a thorough examination the doctor says " I've got some bad news Mr Smith, you have a condition that will kill you"

"Oh my God says the man, how long do I have?"

The Doctor replies "Five"

"PHEW" says the man, " Five years isn't bad"

The Doctor says "Four" ....

[teddyboy23]

2 old boys just about to tee off, for a round of golf when this funeral procession is just passing on the road next to the course.with the wreaths displaying wife mother grandmother.so one of the old fellas takes his cap off and lowers his head.his mate saids Bob that was very respectful of you.Bob saids well we have been married for 50 yes.

[teddyboy23]

One snowman to another here can you smell carrots

[Spartacus]

Three doctors die in a car crash and appear at the pearly gates

St Peter asks the first what he did for a living on Earth.

"I was a renowned Gynaecologist" was the reply

"Oh there's no need for you" St Peter said, "there's no pregnancy or illness in heaven" and with that he banished the doctor to hell.

He asks the second what he did

"I was an Orthopedic surgeon, fixing the bones of people who would otherwise never walk again"

"Very admirable" said St Peter "but no one breaks bones here so there's no need for you" and with that he banishes the second Doctor to hell.

The third Doctor, preemptively said " I guess there's no use for me, I'm a psychologist"

To which St Peter replied "Fabulous, just the person we want, God thinks he's Putin"

[teddyboy23]

What do you call a family photo for a orphan . a selfie

[tedfudge]

What is Forrest Gump’s email password?

1 Forrest 1

[The Scorpion]

What is the best time to book a dentist's appointment?

2:30 (tooth hurty)

Had a great few chuckles just now, reading back over all the jokes - thanks to all 👍

[tedfudge]

@the scorpion..

That's what we are all here for telling jokes to make people laugh ... we will keep posting jokes ...

I started this section to try and make people laugh as I didnt see anything else on here like this and I would like to thank those people who are contributing to this section with their brilliant jokes and hope those that are visiting and reading these jokes are having a laugh too and will comeback and contribute aswell..

Let's keep these jokes going people..

And again thank you

[teddyboy23]

Why can't orphans go on school trips. They need their parents permission

[teddyboy23]

2 male crabs sitting on the beach .one of them starts having a good old scratch down below.the other crab saids you alright there.to which the crab replied I think I've got humans .

[Spartacus]

I just spent £1,000 for a rented limousine and found out it doesnt come with a driver.

Can’t believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

[Spartacus]

Q. How many ears did Captain Kirk have?

A. Three, the left ear, the right ear and his final front ear