Advice needed - trouble with 8y old

[Jacks50]

I'm having a nightmare with my oldest son (I've got 2 other children) he's 8, nearly 9 and he's having some kind of a meltdown just about everyday. I call it the red mist. Its like something comes over him and he turns into a complete nightmare. Screaming, shouting, this evening he threw a couple of pictures off the wall onto the floor and started banging on my daughters bedroom door (who is asleep and not well!) When he gets in his mood he can be really horrible to the other two children, and he says awful things to me - this evening he just told me I was an ugly person, the meanest in the world and he hates me.

It always starts because he's done something wrong and got into trouble. I've tried everything from trying to be kind and talk to him and try and reason with him, to being really tough on him, but nothing gets through. I've taken away privileges, we have a reward chart (house points) which he's really likes the idea of because they have them at school, and it helps a bit, but when he's got the mist he doesn't care.

He doesn't do it nearly as often when my husband is around, but he's not around very often! Its making my so unhappy and I feel desperate that I don't know how to make it better. I'm obviously really worried about him and I hate him being so unhappy.

On a positive note he's extremely well behaved at school, and with other people. They can't believe it when I tell them how he behaves with me.

I'm really sorry for the long post, just feeling really desperate and could do with some advice and wondered if anyone else had experienced anything like this?

Thanks so much

[canela]

obviously all kids different but a couple of things spring to mind...

it sounds like he might be getting really tired at school and simply uses up his good behaviour there. it is not uncommon for the quietest at school to be most wild at home. is there anything at school making him unhappy? is he good because he is nervous? is it a very strict school? yes, he might be good there - but it might be an effort for him even so and making him grumpy at home.

also sounds like he could benefit from some one-on-one attention not to do with behaviour but just being together. not as a reward. he needs to feel unconditional love if he is starting to feel like the bad boy. a friend of mine whose 9 year old trashed his bedroom was told by the teacher to take her son out os school one day for a special day with her. I try and spend a short time each night alone with each kid - not easy when there is lots to do - even if it is just to watch their favourite cartoon and cuddle them.

do you have a lot of rules at home? it sounds like there is something going on about behaviour and being 'good' or 'bad' that he is struggling with. could you talk to him in a quiet moment and reduce the rule list to really the most important, and just relax on other things for a while? as the eldest do you expect him to behave better? does he see his siblings getting away with things and not understand why this might be?

yes, other people have had this! remember that he takes it out on you because he can, because he feels safe with you. it might be that there is something going on. it might be that it is just a phase working itself out.

it is always horrible when you see kids being deliberately mean to their siblings - but i think it is not uncommon!

good luck.

[Jacks50]

Hi Canela,

Just wanted to say thanks so much for this. I've had a long think about it all and he's defiantly over tired. He's suddenly decided that staying up late is cool and just won't go to sleep! So that's not helping.

And you are right, he spends so long being good - school isn't overly strict but hes terrified of getting into trouble. He also doesn't eat very well at school (school lunches only and he's really fussy) so he's tired and hungry too at the end of the day.

We recently talked about house files and came up with a list together - he enjoyed doing it and being part of it, so I'm not sure if its an issue.

He does need more one on one time though, its just very hard to fit in with two other little ones. We'll have to work harder at it!

Thanks so much once again

[RenF]

Hi Jacks50

Have posted this link before but it might be useful here?

http://m.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

Maybe not up your street but your post made me think of this instantly.

[Ondine]

I wonder if there's an angle around his hunger as well as cooling down from the day of being good at school? My DD1 at that age used to be horrifically bad tempered after school and we had a stage where I packed her off to bedroom with a snack the minute we got in and encouraged her to just relax for half hour in peace. Might also help if he can have a little 1:1 time later on which gives a window if he wants to talk about the day.

[may]

Hi there

Just wanted to let you know I had a similar problem with my 5 1/2 year old, started about 6 months after his sister was born.

We're past it now it only lasted a few months, but I found the book 'Love Bombing' really worked and helped us both get through it. Principle is to have a special day with them one on one time and let them make all the decisions whilst you reinforce how much you love them, like when they were a toddler.

Can work up to 12 years old.

Good luck and remember its just a phase.

[canela]

The tiredness and hunger at end of school day can be really difficult to get through! We try and arrive each day with a nice but healthy snack so we can all munch in silence on the 5 min walk home. And really agree with making sure there is a relax session straight after school. Ours often comes back and just watches 30 mins telly. You can tell when he is recovered as he suddenly bounces off the sofa.

I know it is really hard to arrange one-on-one time, but I find that if I make sure I do it every day (even when his little sister has gone to bed and I really have a million and one things I could be doing....) it just makes for a much happier boy and a happier house.

[Jacks50]

I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your advice. The love bombing sounds really interesting and I'm going to order the book. No idea how we'd fit it in with my other two children though!

We are trying to fit in the 1:1 time, and he does really enjoys it and we must do it more often.

I have just had a lovely evening with him without one argument and I felt like I had my boy back. hope it lasts!!

Thank you again!

[boyohboy]

I have sons and I believe that they experience a hormone surge at around the age of 9 which really aggravates aggressive behaviour. In my experience, they would lose the plot for around 6 months or so and then they calmed down and became my lovely boys again. I also think that boys are much more Mum-centred than alot of people realise and they do need your time. They are expected to grow up so quickly but are still very little at this age and need all their hugs and kisses.

[rfoxxi]

If he doesn't eat his lunch at school his blood sugar is probably plummeting by the time you collect him, so I agree with Canela that a healthy snack and drink would do him wonders. A routine might help him too- quiet time when you get back, homework, dinner and maybe a game with him once the others are in bed. If he refuses to go to bed ask him which story he wants to read with you, and that is also great 1 to 1 time too. My daughter always liked a story cd too when she was a bit older. So you can always leave him with a story cd or a kids meditation cd on for sleeping with, but I think that a bed time story together is an important time for you both. I'm sure if he feels he is being 'heard' as he grows older now this challenging time will pass. Good luck.