peace and harmony - any chance?

[SE22mum]

I'm really interested to know how much siblings in other houses fight. Our house seems to be a constant battle ground - one 7 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. It drives me absolutely crazy, and I end up modelling terrible, angry behaviour which makes me deeply ashamed. My son just seems to blame his little sister for anything and everything - even when she is no where around! And she knows just how to wind him up when she wants to.

Having said that, they do play great sometimes, and they are both fiercely loyal when outside the house.

I just feel at a loss on how to navigate this situation. Most of my friends have younger children so I have no yardstick by which to know if the level of arguing is normal or not. I come from a very peaceful family and my sister was always my best friend, so it breaks my heart when they argue. My partner comes from a large chaotic family where shouts and blows were normal, so he thinks I over-react.

When I was a stay at home Mum I found I had masses of patience, but since going to back to full time work 2 years ago this has dwindled. I find it so upsetting when they argue that I seem to end up shouting all too often....which is hardly setting a good example!

any ideas on how to create a calmer household? or is this just part of the flow and I should learn to go with it?

[Goodliz]

Ditto what you have said. I have 2 boys aged 6 and 9.

Things that tend to help -

Making sure they are fed asap after returning home from school. Seems that hunger and anger go hand in hand.

That is about it! I am sorry I don't have anything of any worth to offer. Somedays I can ignore it and others it winds me up a treat.

I've tried reasoning with them saying things like:

"Imagine if Daddy and I argued like this infront of you. Do you think that would be nice?"

Makes no difference.

"There is no point fighting as the only person you are upsetting is me."

Makes no difference.

I am enjoying a week of no arguing is the eldest is on a school trip!

I think this is it really. As you say, sometimes they play really nicely together and others it is awful. Hey ho!

[snowboarder]

My two fight constantly...and they are only 4 and 2!! They are very different characters, play in very different ways, always want the same thing and are both somewhat prone to dramatics when don't get their own way. It's very wearisome and tedious - I can rarely leave the room (to get some washing, for example) without returning to someone crying!!

I basically try to direct them to opposite sides of the house and hope for the best...

(Oh - just to add - they do occasionally get on if they decide to perform joint mischief....)

[Fuschia]

I have four, 10, 5, 5 and 3 and the bickering, screeching and wrestling is non-stop.

Very wearing

[Mrs TP]

I have 3 girls, 12, 9 and 4, and whilst the odd parent around me talks of their kids all sat around the breakfast table at 7am ready for the day in their school uniforms enjoying some Waltonesque family time, I keep mine apart before school. They have different getting up times facilitated by secondary school earlier start time and the middle one keen to get to the tv before the youngest (bad mum tv in the morning). This helps keep morning sibling bickering down to a minimum.

At other times we lurch from wars to all playing 'schools' nicely.

I also find that if I butt into a row they will often defend each other and tell me that I have got it wrong. Or they will stop bickering to get a snack and without asking will take a snack back to whichever one it is they are bickering with.

Some days are fine, some are manageable and some are bloody awful. I think it is normal.

[intexasatthe moment]

I come from a family of 5 siblings ,two sets of twins ,all close in age .

Growing up was a continual war zone and now we're all elderly the rifts and arguments continue .

Depressing I know ,but par for the course with siblings I think .

[SE22mum]

ok, it seems I can set my mind at rest that we are within the definition of a "normal" family! I think this will help a lot to be honest, as I know I get too upset by it and over-react....thereby not setting a good example at all. hmmm, wonder where they get all the dramatics from?

[niksterboots]

There's a book called "Siblings without rivalry" - I've not read it myself but I've heard it's very good. Might be worth looking at?

[Fuschia]

I recall hitting my sister's head on the floor ... We get along pretty well now

[Mellors]

I also have a 7 year old boy and 4 year old girl (and a two year old boy). I find the key to it is a) keeping them fed (hungry children = grumpy), early bed times - the lot of them are asleep by 7pm on weeknights (tired children = grumpy) and lots and lots of fresh air and space. They get kicked out in the garden to make dens all the time, or the park. Even with headtorches in winter sometimes, and certainly all the time at the weekend when its light.

I have also banned non-kid technology - I'm sick of fights over the phone or Ipad, and we don't have things like DSs/gameboys.

It is harder in winter though, with the TV calling.

Its also normal! I once smacked my sisters head off a radiator (hard) in a fight over a Girl's World doll. She lived and we are now best friends :)

[fl0wer]

Siblings fight to develop their egos - i.e. it is normal as a starting place for becoming who you really are.

Siblings left to their own devices will not sort out fights fairly. The more you leave them to it, the more like 'Lord of the Flies' it gets.

So the issue is: how to develop into a unique person, whilst doing no harm to others.

From experience I would say that NO HARM needs to be the parental ground rule.

As soon as one person starts hurting another, some mediation must step in.

This hurting can take many forms in a family and some children are dedicated to discovering them all. Emotional, physical bullying which never lets up is tantamount to abuse. If you are unlucky enough to have a child whose conscience is not developed particularly well, be aware they'll need to be carefully contained by whoever is in charge.

Kind of like grown ups, really.

[Saffron]

I have two older brothers, both of them pretty horrible, one of them particularly abusive. I don't speak to the abusive one anymore. He has a lot of personal problems, ADD and probably other undiagnosed problems.

My parents did try to help him as a child, but not a lot of treatment was available for ADD back then. He had some counselling etc, but my parents didn't have any counselling for me and my other bother. We didn't do any family counselling. It was truly horrible living in a family with an abusive, bullying sibling. And what's worse, as an adult his behaviour has divided our family.

Some arguing among siblings is 'normal', and some isn't. I would always ask for professional help if you have real concerns. Bullying behaviour is just as damaging for the bully as the sibling victim, but equally, even 'normal' sibling arguing can be helped by changing parenting strategies. Good luck. xx

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24867267

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24639063

[SE22mum]

Thank you for all your responses. I agree, Mellors, prevention is better than cure and winter does make it more difficult as we can all feel a bit cooped up.

I suppose I am pretty sure really that what we have in our house is within the limits of "normal" but I will look at my parenting strategies to see how I can deal with it better. To be honest, I think the main problem is me, in that I find the bickering makes me lose the plot and I overact and make the situation worse than it has to be. I think I have a very hot temper which I have learnt to control over the years (my mum tells how I used to hold my breath until I fainted in order to get my own way...) but sometimes the control buckles. These last few days I have been practising just taking a breath before I respond automatically, and also making sure I give each child some proper individual attention after school.

any other parenting strategies gratefully received!

[Saffron]

Well, that all sounds good to me! I lose my temper sometimes, and I only have one child!! (This parenting thing is tough, hey?) xx

[fl0wer]

Something A.S. Neill used to do: invite children themselves to contribute ideas about what would be fair when there is a dispute.

If this is done enough times, they develop a 'library' of ways to think about problem-solving, dealing with conflict. This rests on the premise that for every problem there's at least one solution which will turn out to be good for everybody.