Post natal depression in dads

[mrsS]

Our son was born 7 months ago and my husband was deeply traumatised by the difficult labour and was diagnosed with post natal depression when our son was four days old. Since then he has been on medication and has therapy every week.

Things have improved, he could not even hold our son in first month, but now he has taken him out a few times on his own during the weekends and we have had periods when everything has been ok.

At the same time we are getting set backs which is usually triggered by my sons crying and the feeling that he can't fix it. He freaks out and becomes very depressed, says that we would be better of without him. Its a very stressful situation for both of us and I am just so fed up with the constant arguments, and the fact that I can't help him. It's also been hard on me as I he has not been able to give me any emotional support since my son was born. I've felt completely alone with it all.

PND is an awful thing to go through as a family and I sometimes feel that it is even harder when it's the dad who got it, as there is no support out there, no one talks about it, and a lot of people don't believe that it can happen as PND is perceived to be caused by hormonal changes.

Is there anyone here who's been through it? I would be most grateful for any suggestions, or stories of happy endings....anything, we are getting a bit desperate!

[EmilyPie]

I don't have first hand of experience of this so can't offer you any advice I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say well done for getting this far. Seven months is a long time to carry all that burden yourself and you should be very proud of yourself. Depression can be very hard work for the people who have to live with it. Have you Thought about trying to get some counselling yourself? Somewhere where you can express your anger, sadness etc without worrying about the consequences might be helpful. Good luck and I hope things get better for you soon. X

[dulwichpsychology]

MrsS - unfortunately this is a problem that affects many men to a degree, but it is much less talked about than PND in women. Birth trauma and adjusting to parenthood and the change in the couples relationship can be big contributing factors. There is a lovely website by Mark Williams who shares his and his wife's experience of PND: http://www.fathersreachingout.com/

Rather than individual counselling for yourself, which no doubt could be very helpful, you might also like to consider some sessions as a couple as PND is clearly having a big impact on both of you. Maybe your husband's counselling/psychology service also offers this or you might even be able to attend some sessions with his current counsellor together?

Best wishes

Christine

[Belle]

Just want to echo Emily's sentiments - I don't know much about PND in dads, but agree it is amazing you've managed for 7 months in the circumstances. Difficult labour, new baby - that is hard enough - but as Emily says, living with someone who has depression is very hard even in normal circumstances. Christine's suggestions sound good, I h ope you find some support, maybe other partners of PND sufferers would be happy to meet and share experiences? Has your GP been supportive?

[midivydale]

Just a thougts MrsS, have you spoken to your health visitor about this? Perhaps they would know of any support groups?

XXX

[mrsS]

Thank you all who have sent messages and replied to my thread, I will reply to you all when my little one is in bed this evening x

[Saffron]

MrsS, you don't mention it specifically in your post, but was PTSD ever considered in your husband's diagnosis? The reason I ask is because PTSD (alone or in combination with depression) may have a different course of therapeutic treatment and/or medication.

While depression surrounding the birth of a child is now fairly well-recognised in women and men, peripartum PTSD is less well-known particularly in men.

I completely agree with Christine that couples therapy could be beneficial. Also, have you considered or does your husband participate in any therapy that includes your son, eg father-baby bonding therapy or play therapy? Speaking as someone with a history of depression, it can definitely affect the whole family.

Depression can be slow to lift even with treatment, but if you don't feel like you and your partner are making significant progress, it may be time to consider changing your treatment strategy. Sometimes something as simple as changing medication or changing therapy style can have a huge effect on progress, as can adding holistic therapies with the conventional treatment.

As it January, could your husband's depression be exacerbated by the short days? I think there was a thread about UV ('SAD') lamps in the lounge?

xx

[mrsS]

Father-bonding therapy would me GREAT but I don't know where (if) they do such a thing? The more time he spends with my son on his own the better he feels, but its difficult when he works full time and long hours.

We are on the waiting list for couples therapy with the Maudsleys, but the waiting list is quite long.

He has been back to the GP this week and has now been given a different medication to try, so I hope that makes a difference.

I'm going to talk to my HV if there is any support for me, otherwise I will just end up taking my anger and frustration out on my husband which really isn't helping anyone.

x

[sillywoman]

I've just come across this article MrsS.

Sadly there's no mention of where it's from, & it doesn't provide much in the way of answers, but you & your partner have been much in my thoughts recently, & I thought he might find it helpful/useful to know that he's not alone in feeling like this.

I hope things start to get better for you both very soon.x