I am a locale reporteur

[HonaloochieB]

Good move on getting the reataurant reviews though. That's where the proper kickbacks are.

Sweet. And a starter and a main as well.

[Dulwich Born And Bred]

Did you hear that Hisar is serving frozen cheesecake cooked in a microwave? yum!:)) I think you should start your restaurant review there, and don't forget to order pide and lahmacun!

[Ted Max]

Hey, hanks for the tiop off, Heddy. I did not kno you could microwabve cheesecake. That's my treat for he night shift sorted, then.

IU'm afraid Stacey's mum does all the restauratn reviews normally. I think it's cos she used to eb a cook but Kevin from the post room says it's because she's shagging the ad manager, and the ad manager decides which restauratns get rewiewed. I don't kno why.

BY teh way, I don't think there's a "D" in pie.

[LuvPeckham]

Dear Ted

We need the help of your paper to oust a villan in the community

Can you work on a feature relating to the "Stop the Cad" campaign and expose this rotter for what he is before he corrupts and ruins the life of any more of our fair maidens.

Can you ask your editor how much a full page 2 colour advert (Lime Green letters on a Pink background) would cost, reading

"STOP THE CAD !" (Printed in Ariel 84pts)

Many thanks

Luv and K' The Unstoppable Sex Machine

[Ted Max]

Spring Cleaning with The Editor - Clara Fitzlightly

Spring is just around the corner and what better way to beat the credit crunch blues than to have a really good clean? We here at South Dulwich Living have scoured (geddit?) our collapsing advertising ledger to bring you the best cleaning tips and products available in the Dulwich and borders area in our bumper eight page Spring edition.

Pan the pan:

Toilet Duck three for a fiver deal at A J Farmers in association with SDL. The smallest room in the house should also be the cleanest, and Maureen at this charming local boutique quincaillerie says, "If you want your lavvy cleaned, plain old bleach is just as good but people seem to like having a bottle with a twisted neck for some reason." So there you have it - top tips with lashings of old world charm from this long-standing organic family business.

Hit the floor:

Every mum knows her carpet will start to smell every now and then - and local emporium Khan's Bargains hits the spot with its "Fresh Shag" Turkish import. South London local, and keen angler, Safwan, says that he used it to get the cat shit out of his floor when he moved into his new, stylish, Norwood loft apartment. And it was alright, although the smell still lingers a bit by the radiator, he jests. SDL Best Buy.

What's in Johnny's fridge?

One of the delights of this job is being able to share cleaning secrets with local nightclub owner and music entrepreneur Johnny Forcem. Forcem, known to many for his elegant and exclusive Jizz and Jazz soirees at the local Norbury Hotel, recommends cleaning the fridge - as you never know what you might find there. Johnny's Balham fridge certainly has a few secrets to tell, and no doubt yours does too, although they're not likely to be as glamourous as my good friend Johnny's, sadly.

[Ted Max]

EYE ON THE MARKET - with Foxworth Ludshell's Jeremy Butt-Hughes.

There's great value now in one, two, three and four bed flats, apartments, half houses and houses in East Dulwich, West Dulwich, North Dulwich, Bellenden, and into Forest Hill. We're seeing loads of handy living space for families at a snip in Sydenham, Peckham Rye, Nunhead and even into Herne Hill, Tulse Hill and Denmark Hill. Studios, lofts and work-life spaces are going nowhere on the mantelpiece in the Village, Ondine Triangle and Amersham, North Peckham and Peckarwood Estates. It's certainly a fantastic time for estate agents at the moment, with all these fantastic properties on the market at fantastic valuations.

But buyers shouldn't think they will have it all their own way. Just the other day one of our junior negotiators helped her vendor hang onto the shirts they wore, as they exited their dream three-bed in tears and a taxi we paid for. So hang in there for the best deals, but be realistic, and with interest rates at an all time low, be greedy too. Whatever.

Jeremy Butt-Hughes' Top Property Tips for Spring:

1. Move the Kids into next door - after all, they're moved to Dubai and haven't been able to rent the place out, so who's going to care. More space for you, a lesson in looking after themselves for the kids.

2. Arrange a viewing: Spring is traditionally moving time in South London, so give us a call and we will come round a pretend to value your property, asking you all the right questions about your dream move. We will even produce a HIP for you, free of charge, for you to frame and hang in the unfinished loft extension.

3. Smell the gas: Kitchens are a great focus for buyers, so make sure yours has just the right finish by turning the oven on, sinking to your knees, maybe a little Grandaddy on the stereo, and then embrace oblivion.

[Ted Max]

Fun for Free

Spring is a great time of year to get out and about in the great South London habitat, and this year is set to be a special time. Best of all it's all free. So we've asked local forager Kleinwort Schroder to list his top three things to do for free in South London.

1. Spend a morning in the library: For a state-funded facility, the decor's not that bad, and the staff are really quite bearable. You can even have a shot on the quaint little computers - they almost look like those old Bloomberg terminals!

2. Go blackberrying in the woods: Take your old email terminal down to the woods and flick the scroll wheel round nostalgically. OK, the SIM has been deactivated and all the data wiped and locked remotely, but it's been proven that it is important to keep the muscle memory active.

3. Do some hedging: A fantastic source of free riches for those in the know, hedges come for free and offer great yields for little effort, but the season doesn't last for ever, sadly. Hedging courses are now run at the old allotments behind the golf course - bring old clothes.